DH stopped helping and is acting different

[RichInSpirit]

DH has always been an early riser for as long as I’ve known him. He usually gets up at 5am, enjoys a coffee and tidies downstairs up for me. Recently he’s stopped tidying up, at all.. we’ve got two young children and him doing the tidying in the morning before anyone gets up was really useful because it means I can then get other things done, and clear up after the kids throughout the day.

He’ll usually come wake me up around 7am before he leaves for work, I’ve asked him if he needs help tidying to wake me up when he gets up and we’ll do it together.. but he doesn’t? Which just means I end up going down to a mess and he claims he hasn’t had time to do anything (he literally sits and drinks a coffee and just sits on the sofa for 2 hours) - sometimes he’ll claim that he can’t do it around DC (funny, because I clean up with both kids home all the time you just get on with it)

Today he’s invited his dad round to visit, he said last night he would wake me up early to help clean downstairs.. I know it’s petty but I’ve been up waiting for him to come get me and he hasn’t, I can hear he’s not doing anything.. so I know he’s going to just be sat having his coffee and not tidying anything .. and the kids are still asleep so there’s no excuse.

I’d go down and help him now but I want to prove the point that he is just leaving me with a mess either on purpose or without thinking properly. He never used to do this. He used to put in his fair share of housework 😣

He’s also been very distant, I told him a couple of weeks ago that I feel like he doesn’t put the effort in to show any affection to me, he’s naturally quite introverted but he used to be quite touchy, would put his arm around me, would hug me, hold my hand ect.. but it’s all gone. He said he doesn’t know why and that’s he’s fine, but he hasn’t really tried since that talk either. I’m getting worried because I don’t want my children to grow up watching a loveless marriage from their parents. I always try and be playful, show him affection ect but he literally just stands there and gives nothing back and I’m feeling really rejected. But if I bring up there being an issue he gets really defensive and is adamant he wants to be together and that he loves me. He just doesn’t show it.

I’m at my wits end, I don’t feel loved or appreciated and recently I’m starting to feel really envious of everyone relationships around me.

If I'm honest - the hours and hours of cleaning every day sounds excessive. Two hours to put toys away in the morning then mopping and hoovering after that? Either you need better systems to keep the house in order or you need to relax a bit and realise that having children can mean a bit of mess. Even 2-3 year olds tidy up after themselves in nursery. Put on the 3 minute tidy up song from YouTube and do it with them before they go up to bed.

I will say my husband is very messy and I get fed up tidying up after him. My rule is that he can't invite anyone over (parents included) unless he helps to blitz the house. He's very social so this normally gives him the kick up the backside he needs.

Yeah he helps with the kids fine, we take turns bathing them and then kids of just pick a kid each, put them to bed then swap and say goodnights ect. I can’t fault him on looking after the kids.

This, who’s making the mess to the extent it is? If you’re tidying all day around the dd, they’re in bed by 7pm? Is the mess that takes 2 hours to tidy yours and his?

Ok they are still young then.

The insomnia is a huge issue for you and the addiction to his game is a huge issue for him. Time for some frank conversations.

phones / games need to be away until 7 am and put them to bed at 7 pm.

Insomnia is an absolute killer. Mine is lifelong and a symptom of my ADHD my brain never switches off. Cleaning up after dinner should be done at the time. Split the chores I cook / clean up after dinner, you wipe the table down and mop the floor and tidy the toys. 45 minutes each and done

There isn’t hours of cleaning needed tbh. It’s just the general mess from the night before. Then just tidy up as I go throughout the day. I hoover every day (sometimes twice as we had a pain in the arse rug that show every spec of bloody anything 🤣)

But I do have to tidy up after DS, feed him and tidy up lunch mess, tidy up his toys as we go along throughout the day. I just feel like all of the cleaning and tidying is left to me recently.

The mess doesn’t take 2 hours. Which is my point. I can get up and tidy up in 15/20 minutes in the morning, with the kids up and getting ready. It’s not hard, but it’s always me now. He doesn’t do it in the 2 hours he spends awake before anyone else, so I have to do it inbetween getting DD ready for school and DS dressed for the day. It just feels unfair that he sits in the peace and quiet for 2 hours every morning and I’m waking up to mess and all go go go.

If you work part time you should do more housework. It sounds like he has been carrying you for a few months and is fed up of it. Also that he has had his own quite significant health and mental health struggles. He is either making a silent protest and/or has found someone else. You both sound like you are not coping but he is carrying the strain for that because he presumably can't step back from full time work like you have done.

General mess from the night before???!!!!!!

My children knew, from a very early age, that any toys/games would end up in a large laundry basket at the end of the day. It was up to them to either tidy up properly beforehand, or sort it out the next day.

Day to day cleaning/tidying up involved stacking the dishwasher, running a quick wash, throwing any toys left out into a laundry basket (see above), and using a handheld to pick up any obvious dirt/dust.

Saturday morning we would have a joint blitz to get everything slick and span. Admittedly we also had a mid-week cleaner, but we were both working full time.

Well if he still gets up at the same time, what is he doing?

I think you confused things with the 'wake me up to help you' thing.
You have insomnia, its important you dont get up at 5am.
Sit him down and say 'the most helpful thing you ever did, the thing that always without fail made every day better for me, was the quick bit of tidying you did in the morning. I dont understand why you have stopped and because I do so much else around the house I feel resentful that you've stopped this very helpful task.' And see what he says. I think your ask that he starts doing this again is very reasonable. If he refuses then you can say 'ok, so here's a couple of replacement things I'd like you to take on...which would you prefer to do? '
On a separate note you are hoovering and mopping way to much. Ease the load, that kinda thing can happen once or twice a week IMO.

Just a thought, but has he become addicted to an online game? Perhaps he's feeling more tired than before and uses it to relax but then gets caught up in it and forgets to tidy up. Gaming of any kind (even simple games on one's phone) is extremely addictive.

This is not that anyone wants to hear on here, but sometimes you see someone and your heart aches, and you feel not just that you have known them forever, you also want to know them forever. And you want to know all about them, and tell them all about you.

It sounds that he isn’t happy and resentful. Talk to him with kindness. You sound anxious- need to sort out your sleep, mental health.

I think you need to sit down and agree on a job list. Write it down so you can see how much you each do. Obviously make it proportionate to your working hours/time spent with the children around. Also request either at least one night a week with no gaming and you just spend time together to reconnect as a couple.

Get the children to tidy up after themselves- start being firm now or they'll never learn.

I agree you’re vacuuming and mopping way too much.

But really you need to sit down and have a proper conversation about all this. Don’t leave it to fester.

Do you think he could be depressed? Fed up of doing it? Is he on his phone or is he just sat there?
I wouldn't pay no mind to him saying he didn't want to clean / tidy on a evening.
I do every single get up with our 2.5yr old and every evening I make sure all pots are washed (either me, dh or our 19yr old washes them after tea) and then put away (whoever washed them doesn't have to put them awag) i clean down all kitchen sides (+ cupboards if needed) quick whip around living room with hoover, cushions plumped & toys away bc waking up to a mess would do my head in. And if we need to be out early everything is taken care of.
It only takes me roughly 10-15mins.

Why does he say he has tidied downstairs “for you”? Surely it’s his house too and he is just tidying?

You've said twice that you feel it unfair that he gets those 2 hours...well, yes, he gets up at 5am, and maybe needs that time to chill before working ALL day. And if it's not that hard to tidy up...you do it. You are doing that thing I see on here a lot. When you're listing your chores, you break them down so it seems like much more (get up, come downstairs, feed kids, pick up pots, put pots away, etc) - whereas he 'goes to work'. I think you're being really unfair to him. And hey, if you want a couple of hours peace and quiet before the kids wake up, get up at 5am like he does!

You both need to tidy up in the evenings if he wants to just chill in the mornings. I would suggest you take it in turns like this: one of you puts the kids to bed the other tidies up. Job done. And you have a nice tidy house for the bit after the kids are in bed.

But you are in bed asleep when he's sitting downstairs ...
Honestly you sound like you have it so bad but actually I think you are taking the pee here.

All this endless mopping and hoovering and all day cleaning is a complete exaggeration
He's at work, so why shouldn't you do it?
Essentially if the dinner was cleared away eg 20 mins then there wouldn't be all this drama.
I think he feels taken advantage of tbh
You want him out at work and doing 50/50 chores which is not fair .

And you need to find a way to wake yourself up. Having to wake another adult up is an unbearable chore. My BIL used to make his wife do that ... until she left him.

He sounds burnt out. When I'm like this, I managed work and very little else, everything just feels like a mountain to climb that's insurmountable. My mood also goes very flat.

That’s quite an assumption. Based on fuck all.

And.......

Get up tomorrow when he does. Tidy up. Sit and drink coffee with him.

See how he responds. Has he got addicted to his game or is it something else on the phone capturing him? Gambling?

You should arrange to have a quiet lunch together. No fuss no kids. Talk to each other.