Partner not spending the same amount on me for my birthday …..

[ohitssnowww]

I will start by saying I’m not materialistic and I know you don’t give to receive.
The start of the year we both said as it’s our 40th this year we would both like a little mini break.
It was my partners 40th in September and he wanted to go to Greece for a few nights.
So I booked for 4 nights end of September.
I paid for everything and probably spent around £1,500 as we did all inclusive.
For his birthday he said he wanted to feel special so I got him a cake ,balloon etc and got him some gifts to open (around £100 ish pound)

Now at the beginning of the year I said I would like a few nights away in December somewhere warm.
It got to October and he started saying Christmas is a bad time to go away,it’s expensive in December blah blah so I said okay we will just fly to Dublin and have a night there (nice meal etc )
Last month he started saying flights were so expensive and would I not rather have the money he was going to spend on flights for spending money somewhere else.
So I knew he didn’t want to go so I said okay.
He’s booked us to go to Manchester after Christmas for two nights.
At first he was saying he would book a really nice hotel etc and then said again “wouldn’t you rather have spending money for Trafford centre “ so he’s booked a premier inn.

He has double the amount of wages that I have but he wastes money on online gaming so he’s clearly thinking he doesn’t want to spend all his money on me and have nothing for gambling online.
He gets paid 20th this month so will have money.
Then he says it’s pointless buying a birthday cake as we are away after my birthday and a balloon is a waste of money.
Then he jokes “I might as well re use the 40th banners too “
I don’t think he’s joking either
Would you be disappointed ?

I would be disappointed and hurt. Not by the disparity in spending but the lack of care and thought (other than to save himself as much money as possible). I’d probably tell him I don’t want to celebrate my birthday with him at all and do something with friends instead even if I had to spend my own money to do something. The way things are going with him planning your birthday, your birthday dinner is gonna be at a Wetherspoons.

For me it would t be the money it would be the complete lack of effort he’s put in. Even skint people can make a huge effort for someone’s birthday and not spend much.

id be telling him to stick his Manchester break up his arse and take a friend with you on your holiday in June

He sounds miserable. But why when he says would you not rather do x y and z do u not say no I would rather go the mini break we agreed like we did on your birthday. When he said don't need a cake I would remind him he got the cake he asked for. Some men take partners for granted my ex makes more effort now getting our dc to choose me a present than he ever did when we were a couple!

This 👆 You say you are not materialistic, but your post essentially says ‘it’s not fair, I spent much more on him’!

This is a nonsense. It's so much more than that. It's the begrudging attitude, the thoughtlessness, the inability to prioritise his income to ensure he can get op a cake and a gift for her birthday instead of gambling away all his wages, and the fact he is so open with op about how little effort he's putting in which is quite frankly disrespectful. It's nothing to do with the amount itself.

OPs DP has a gambling addiction.

What are his good points?

Wouldn’t waste my money or life on a gambler

OP, forget about Manchester. You’re worth every bit as much as him. If it were me, I’d spend that £1,600 for his birthday on a singles holiday next year. I’d stop wasting my time with this loser and never look back.

Take the money. Book yourself a lovely break away with it.

He sounds utterly repugnant. Whiney and penny pinching when it comes to your birthday, but wanted to be made to "feel special" on his own. He is addicted to online gambling and will always make selfish, reckless choices. I'd be more than disappointed, I'd be disgusted, and the relationship would be over.

Take the money go with your mates

I call bullshit - not you OP, but your partner.

I saw all inclusive last minute offers for less than £500 per person in December. Ryanair have a sale on - just booked return flights Spain for £50.

If I were you, I’d tell him you want the cash and as he doesn’t want to go away, you’ll go with friends instead.

Personally I don’t think the amount of money is the issue it’s the attitude. He seems to have a poor attitude and little interest giving her what she wants. If he doesn’t want to go away he should be honest and maybe pay for her to have a weekend away with a friend. If he doesn’t want to spend any money on her for her birthday he should probably be honest about that too. That being said it’s a bit neglectful to not want to spend anything on your partner. I think open and honest communication here is the best thing as there’s clearly a reason why he doesn’t want to go away or spend much if possibly any money on her birthday. He’s offered but it doesn’t sound like he really wants to do what he’s offered either. I feel awful for op either way he doesn’t sound like a great husband.

Which game ?

It's lazy shit n selfish as f*ck

Have you said any of this to him. Or just nodded politely and inwardly fumed. If you don't trust yourself to talk to him without losing your temper I would leave an itemized list including effort in organisation on a scale of 1-10 for him for his birthday. If he has any sense he will rapidly revise his course. Or speak to him. Explain that you are disappointed and expected better. Then leave the room and let him sit with it for a while.

He’s addicted to gambling. You will never be a priority.

Of course it matters when she's paid over 1500 to take him on an all inclusive holiday for his birthday and she gets 2 nights in a premier Inn in Manchester for hers when he earns double what she does 🤣

Sort out your finances and get away as soon as you can.
If that is shortly after your big holiday so be it.
Gamblers don't change and you will regret sticking around - it will get worse with time.

This, not because of the cost but because of the thought and detail you put in off your own back once he said Greece compared to the total lack of planning and thought that he has put in all he wants to do is downgrade your break. I would call him out and say so you got Greece, Cake, Balloon and banner and you feel that what you are offering is comparable in thought and effort? Would love to hear his response

I think spending £1,500 on someone’s birthday is a bit much unless you’re very rich. If someone spent that on me, I would definitely not reciprocate! You don’t need to spend loads of money to show someone that you love them.

However, Manchester as a birthday treat sounds pretty crap.

Sorry but why on earth are you not making a fuss? You need to sit him down and tell him how unappreciated this makes you feel!! Just ridiculous- say no to Manchester. Say no to the spending money and he can get the premier inn refunded. Tell him to book Dublin or that’s it. Sounds petty but why keep a relationship going when he fundamentally doesn’t care about your or respect you and would prefer to waste money on gambling?

So he got Greece and you got Manchester? What’s more he manipulated you into buying balloons, cake, gifts as well and he is resenting paying anything towards your birthday in spite of the fact he supposedly has lots of money. In my experience though ( I counsel on debt) gamblers struggle with financial solvency. That would be an issue.

I think you need to assert you aren’t happy he is doing your birthday on the cheap whereas he manipulated you into paying out loads more on his. As you say none of us like to keep score on what we or partners spend on each other but he sounds either tight and mean or he is badly in debt.

After 6 years can you see a future with this man?

So why are you accepting this shit?

Does he squeak when he walks?