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Original poster

Partner not spending the same amount on me for my birthday …..

229 replies

ohitssnowww · 10/12/2025 09:04

I will start by saying I’m not materialistic and I know you don’t give to receive.
The start of the year we both said as it’s our 40th this year we would both like a little mini break.
It was my partners 40th in September and he wanted to go to Greece for a few nights.
So I booked for 4 nights end of September.
I paid for everything and probably spent around £1,500 as we did all inclusive.
For his birthday he said he wanted to feel special so I got him a cake ,balloon etc and got him some gifts to open (around £100 ish pound)

Now at the beginning of the year I said I would like a few nights away in December somewhere warm.
It got to October and he started saying Christmas is a bad time to go away,it’s expensive in December blah blah so I said okay we will just fly to Dublin and have a night there (nice meal etc )
Last month he started saying flights were so expensive and would I not rather have the money he was going to spend on flights for spending money somewhere else.
So I knew he didn’t want to go so I said okay.
He’s booked us to go to Manchester after Christmas for two nights.
At first he was saying he would book a really nice hotel etc and then said again “wouldn’t you rather have spending money for Trafford centre “ so he’s booked a premier inn.

He has double the amount of wages that I have but he wastes money on online gaming so he’s clearly thinking he doesn’t want to spend all his money on me and have nothing for gambling online.
He gets paid 20th this month so will have money.
Then he says it’s pointless buying a birthday cake as we are away after my birthday and a balloon is a waste of money.
Then he jokes “I might as well re use the 40th banners too “
I don’t think he’s joking either
Would you be disappointed ?

OP posts:
Anyahyacinth · 10/12/2025 21:35

He is saying he doesn't care, it's a simple as that ...a shopping trip ...wow just wow ...what a 'special' memory 🤦‍♀️

Donsyb · 10/12/2025 21:35

Cynic17 · 10/12/2025 09:10

I have been married for over 30 years. I don't think I have ever once worked out what he spent versus what I spent - we both just buy something we think the other one would like, whether it costs £20 or £200.

OP, it just doesn't matter! If you are kind to each other, you're sorted.

It does matter if she isn’t getting the trip she wanted but he does!

Donsyb · 10/12/2025 21:37

SheilaFentiman · 10/12/2025 09:08

Yes, I would be.

However, when he said "wouldn't you rather have the money for..." did you say "no, I would rather fly somewhere and stay somewhere nice than have spending money"

This! Use your words - when he says “why don’t we do x” say “no, I’d like to do what we originally discussed”.

Then is he says no, you know it’s either because he has money issues or he’s just a selfish bastard. Both of which need to be dealt with.

acountrymile · 10/12/2025 21:42

I was with my ex for many years. I did not want to hurt the children and separate. Every year.. birthday and Christmas.. nothing. Even when my friend drove over to talk to him and gave him a list of suggestions and said she would pop round on Boxing Day to see the present, nothing on Christmas Day and then when he realised she was coming over he said we need to go shopping but a Boxing Day present and only when shamed into it is so hurtful. I eventually left him and am now remarried to the kindest, most generous, funny and bright man. I only wish I had met him earlier and it was hard for the children but I planned everything and collected stuff for our new home for about a year. It was as good as it could have been. There were lots of other reasons for leaving but your post just reminded me of that feeling of being undervalued. It doesn't have to be that way.

Donsyb · 10/12/2025 21:44

Trishyb10 · 10/12/2025 19:59

Bloody hell, most folk get a box of chocs and a bunch of carnations, buy your own treats dont depend on anyone else, how sad…. In years to come you,l realise things like your health are most important instead of worthless trinkets

It’s not really about the trinkets though, it’s about how little thought and consideration he’s giving the OP, and that he’s prioritising online gambling over her.

Gollumm · 10/12/2025 21:44

If he wanted to, he would.

Saltvinegar · 10/12/2025 21:48

OP in your other threads you’ve said you’re much younger than 40. I know people change details so they’re not outed, I don’t care about that but please if you’re much younger than 40 don’t waste more and your fertile years of your life on this man!

Elphamouche · 10/12/2025 21:49

Nah bin him off.

If he put some effort in then money wouldn’t come into it. But there’s no effort!

Bigcat25 · 10/12/2025 22:10

You go all out and he's complaining about the cost of a balloon? Honestly I'd be tempted to dump. He asked to feel special but doesn't reciprocate with you or acknowledge how generous you were in comparison .

The gambling is a massive red flag too. It's a hard addiction to give up as it's accessable 24/7 now.

SL2924 · 10/12/2025 22:16

Given that you did the Greece trip for him, then no - a premier inn and a trip to the Trafford centre is not acceptable. He sounds awful.

Howwilliknow122 · 10/12/2025 22:16

Cynic17 · 10/12/2025 09:10

I have been married for over 30 years. I don't think I have ever once worked out what he spent versus what I spent - we both just buy something we think the other one would like, whether it costs £20 or £200.

OP, it just doesn't matter! If you are kind to each other, you're sorted.

Your response doesn't match what op has explained though!! This grown man wanted to feel special on his 40 so op went all out, in return he did sweet FA for op in contrast to his own 40th. Please read and understand what someone is saying in order to reply because your own situation isnt what op explained.

SpinningaCompass · 10/12/2025 22:23

ohitssnowww · 10/12/2025 09:13

We have been together 6 years now.
I would of loved somewhere warm but we have a big holiday planned for next June so I was happy with Dublin.
He has asked for a list of what I want for Christmas and he said he will pick a few things off that and give me spending money in Manchester.
I know Manchester will come around and he will say he’s skint so il be lucky to get £40

He sounds selfish and like a financial liability if you were to marry him. Don't.

tinytemper66 · 10/12/2025 22:25

That would be the last thing I would buy him if he was like that. What a twat.

LoyalMember · 10/12/2025 22:39

ohitssnowww · 10/12/2025 09:04

I will start by saying I’m not materialistic and I know you don’t give to receive.
The start of the year we both said as it’s our 40th this year we would both like a little mini break.
It was my partners 40th in September and he wanted to go to Greece for a few nights.
So I booked for 4 nights end of September.
I paid for everything and probably spent around £1,500 as we did all inclusive.
For his birthday he said he wanted to feel special so I got him a cake ,balloon etc and got him some gifts to open (around £100 ish pound)

Now at the beginning of the year I said I would like a few nights away in December somewhere warm.
It got to October and he started saying Christmas is a bad time to go away,it’s expensive in December blah blah so I said okay we will just fly to Dublin and have a night there (nice meal etc )
Last month he started saying flights were so expensive and would I not rather have the money he was going to spend on flights for spending money somewhere else.
So I knew he didn’t want to go so I said okay.
He’s booked us to go to Manchester after Christmas for two nights.
At first he was saying he would book a really nice hotel etc and then said again “wouldn’t you rather have spending money for Trafford centre “ so he’s booked a premier inn.

He has double the amount of wages that I have but he wastes money on online gaming so he’s clearly thinking he doesn’t want to spend all his money on me and have nothing for gambling online.
He gets paid 20th this month so will have money.
Then he says it’s pointless buying a birthday cake as we are away after my birthday and a balloon is a waste of money.
Then he jokes “I might as well re use the 40th banners too “
I don’t think he’s joking either
Would you be disappointed ?

I'd boot the useless, selfish, uncaring oaf in the nuts and chuck him out. He's acted atrociously stingy and tight fisted over your Birthday after you'd pushed the boat out and lavished him with gifts and kindness.

ThisZanyPinkSquid · 10/12/2025 22:39

This is poor!! I really hope he’s planned somewhere as a surprise and he’s just playing it up like this 😥

It’s the lack of effort and generally not caring that would get me nit even the money being spent!

Saltvinegar · 10/12/2025 22:50

Howwilliknow122 · 10/12/2025 22:16

Your response doesn't match what op has explained though!! This grown man wanted to feel special on his 40 so op went all out, in return he did sweet FA for op in contrast to his own 40th. Please read and understand what someone is saying in order to reply because your own situation isnt what op explained.

Show quote history

@Cynic17 agree with the above, and I presume your DH also doesn’t have a huge gambling addiction like the OPs DP?

ChaliceinWonderland · 10/12/2025 23:02

Yes i stopped reading at the online gambling, you know what you have to do when your,partner chooses his expensive addiction over you and your happiness.

AnonAnonmystery · 10/12/2025 23:22

It’s a poor show. The flights being too expensive could have been avoided if he booked in advance, your birthday is in the same date every year so it wouldn’t have been hard to book in advance. I would refuse to stay in a Premier inn, I would rather stay home.

Bamfram · 10/12/2025 23:26

What a mean mean user loser gambler.
Is that really all you think you deserve?

He screwed an expensive birthday from you and now is balking at spending anything.

How about you look at your lack of self esteem to be tolerating this?

You can't be that desperate, can you?
6 years you have wasted on him?
What a waste.

ILoveLaLaLand · 10/12/2025 23:30

ohitssnowww · 10/12/2025 09:13

We have been together 6 years now.
I would of loved somewhere warm but we have a big holiday planned for next June so I was happy with Dublin.
He has asked for a list of what I want for Christmas and he said he will pick a few things off that and give me spending money in Manchester.
I know Manchester will come around and he will say he’s skint so il be lucky to get £40

He's either Scrooge or his gambling is more important than you.
Assuming there are no children, make a New Year's Resolution to find a new boyfriend.
This one has passed his use-by date.

SeriousFaffing · 10/12/2025 23:45

I know someone who has just been away with £30(!) flights to Malta.

But yeah, this guy really isn’t sounding great, OP. Sure, people shouldn’t give to receive but you have done exactly what what asked only to receive an all around CBA vibe. Wonder whether he thinks you’ve been made to feel as special as he requested to be treated.

Lavender14 · 10/12/2025 23:49

Op, what is he doing to address his gambling issues?

If he earns double your wage and you can afford £1600 on a 40th birthday present but he's too skint to spend £40 on you then he's got a addiction and that's a major, major problem.

How much financial transparency is there between you? Do you have joint bank account where all bills, mortgage etc is paid out of or is it separate accounts? Are you sure he's paid all the bills he should be paying and that he's not running up debt?

This isn't going to change until he gets proper help to address his gambling addiction. He must be burning through very large sums of money.

ThistleTits · 10/12/2025 23:49

@ohitssnowww you will never have nice gifts or security if you have a relationship with a gambler. They'll bet there last penny on 2 flies walking up a wall.
The future for you is Premier Inn, recycled banners and £40, if you are lucky.

Unless you decide to change it because he won't change his life.

Bobiverse · 11/12/2025 00:03

Thee is no way this is the first time he has cheated out on you. The way you’re anticipating it to get even less and less as Manchester approaches means you’re used to him cheaping out when it comes to you.

Why did you spend so much on him? What possessed you?

Bobiverse · 11/12/2025 00:11

Bobiverse · 11/12/2025 00:03

Thee is no way this is the first time he has cheated out on you. The way you’re anticipating it to get even less and less as Manchester approaches means you’re used to him cheaping out when it comes to you.

Why did you spend so much on him? What possessed you?

*cheaped out