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Original poster

Partner not spending the same amount on me for my birthday …..

229 replies

ohitssnowww · 10/12/2025 09:04

I will start by saying I’m not materialistic and I know you don’t give to receive.
The start of the year we both said as it’s our 40th this year we would both like a little mini break.
It was my partners 40th in September and he wanted to go to Greece for a few nights.
So I booked for 4 nights end of September.
I paid for everything and probably spent around £1,500 as we did all inclusive.
For his birthday he said he wanted to feel special so I got him a cake ,balloon etc and got him some gifts to open (around £100 ish pound)

Now at the beginning of the year I said I would like a few nights away in December somewhere warm.
It got to October and he started saying Christmas is a bad time to go away,it’s expensive in December blah blah so I said okay we will just fly to Dublin and have a night there (nice meal etc )
Last month he started saying flights were so expensive and would I not rather have the money he was going to spend on flights for spending money somewhere else.
So I knew he didn’t want to go so I said okay.
He’s booked us to go to Manchester after Christmas for two nights.
At first he was saying he would book a really nice hotel etc and then said again “wouldn’t you rather have spending money for Trafford centre “ so he’s booked a premier inn.

He has double the amount of wages that I have but he wastes money on online gaming so he’s clearly thinking he doesn’t want to spend all his money on me and have nothing for gambling online.
He gets paid 20th this month so will have money.
Then he says it’s pointless buying a birthday cake as we are away after my birthday and a balloon is a waste of money.
Then he jokes “I might as well re use the 40th banners too “
I don’t think he’s joking either
Would you be disappointed ?

OP posts:
SheilaFentiman · 10/12/2025 09:08

Yes, I would be.

However, when he said "wouldn't you rather have the money for..." did you say "no, I would rather fly somewhere and stay somewhere nice than have spending money"

Brendahollowayjustlookwhatyouhavedone · 10/12/2025 09:09

Holiday in Greece
A day out in a shopping centre
Ooo and a night in a premier inn
Nah matey that's definitely a poor show
Even wait till after Dec for something better.

madrush · 10/12/2025 09:10

I’d be very disappointed. It’s not really the money, it the lack of generosity of spirit. He doesn’t seem invested in your happiness or in wanting you to feel special. Is this a one off or a regular thing?

Cynic17 · 10/12/2025 09:10

I have been married for over 30 years. I don't think I have ever once worked out what he spent versus what I spent - we both just buy something we think the other one would like, whether it costs £20 or £200.

OP, it just doesn't matter! If you are kind to each other, you're sorted.

Iliketulips · 10/12/2025 09:11

Even if he wasn't spending so much on you and saying it wasn't a good time to go away, he could still have planned a nice couple of nights away somewhere like a spa, a city or experience he knows you'd really like to go to. I'd say this is more about his priorities and putting some thought into it.

How long have you been together? What's he like in general?

frozendaisy · 10/12/2025 09:11

Don’t you just say

“so you got Greece and I get recycled banners and and travel inn you utterly selfish cock”

CuriousKangaroo · 10/12/2025 09:11

You have a much bigger problem than your birthday if you are with someone who repeatedly spends a significant proportion of their wages on gambling.

Original poster
ohitssnowww · 10/12/2025 09:13

We have been together 6 years now.
I would of loved somewhere warm but we have a big holiday planned for next June so I was happy with Dublin.
He has asked for a list of what I want for Christmas and he said he will pick a few things off that and give me spending money in Manchester.
I know Manchester will come around and he will say he’s skint so il be lucky to get £40

OP posts:
snoopythebeagle · 10/12/2025 09:14

Uh, I think you’re focusing on the wrong thing here - why are you wasting your life away with a gambler?

Runrunrudolph · 10/12/2025 09:16

It sounds to me as though he has debts or financial.problems that he is not being upfront about.
I think OP instead of focusing on your birthday present - although I agree all his back pedalling is extremely annoying and unfair on you - you need a serious discussion about finances. Because honestly there could be unpleasant surprises to come if he isn't honest with you.

Noshadelamp · 10/12/2025 09:16

He had the opportunity to really treat you and spoil you like you did for him, you literally gave him a blueprint.

So he's I'd be very disappointed, even if you hadn't treated him for his birthday, it's mean and tight to be so withholding and ungenerous.

OneGreySeal · 10/12/2025 09:18

Has he been like this throughout? He sounds awful. I’d start making an escape plan, his poor financial situation will soon seep into your finances.

Icecreamisthebest · 10/12/2025 09:21

Day to day life sounds miserable let alone your birthday.

Id be reconsidering the whole relationship from what you have said. Being a couple to me includes enjoying spoiling your partner but also prioritising them. You come after the gambling. Is that what you want?

pixiegirlishere · 10/12/2025 09:21

You need to actually SAY and spell out what you expect - it’s your 40th! It IS a big deal! Don’t let it be a disappointment.

On a side note - staying with a gambler is always going to be second place for you. Money for gambling rather than ‘waste’ it on you. Are you happy with that? If so, your disappointing birthday is what you are choosing.

Lidre · 10/12/2025 09:23

This is becuase the gambling is much more important to him than you are, and that's not going to change.

MayaPinion · 10/12/2025 09:26

He’s downgrading your birthday because he’s prioritizing gambling and he has no money - and probably has debt. In your shoes I’d be running for the hills. He has told you who he is. Believe him.

Chazbots · 10/12/2025 09:26

Stop wasting your money on him.

BellaBal · 10/12/2025 09:27

What a selfish cocklodging waste of a human lifeform.

I would go all sweet for now. Go to Manchester and go to the Trafford centre on a busy Saturday, the waltz him into a John Lewis and some £1k bits of jewellery make a big fuss about trying them on, pick the one that’s perfect, say how you love it and you simply have to have it, if he demurs say “oh but I spent over £1600 on -all the things you wanted for your birthday and it is Christmas and it’s my fortieth and you didn’t take me away for a break like I wanted - we stuck at the Premier Inn, and you promised to buy me a lovely gift instead . This is what I want - please please please.”

Let him try to say no to that in front of a room full people.

When you get home - go to a local John Lewis store and return the gift for vouchers and then spend on something more sensible. Tell him “oh I changed my mind, it was so expensive I didn’t feel safe wearing it but I feel like we are even now, since we basically spent the same amount in each other. And honestly, it made me SO happy that you would spoil me like that, it was the best 40th birthday I could have hoped for seeing as we didn’t manage to get away for a break. Thank you sweetie for being so lovely.”

Brazen win.

Brefugee · 10/12/2025 09:28

how is he enhancing your life?

NarnianQueen · 10/12/2025 09:30

To me the red flag is him telling you he wanted to “feel special” 🤮

JanetareyouokareyouokJanet · 10/12/2025 09:30

Stop putting up with this shit and tell him straight. Don’t be a victim to this behaviour.

Winter2020 · 10/12/2025 09:31

If you choose to stay with a gambling addict you will never be able to rely on him for nice plans or a secure future.

If you want to stay with him keep your finances completely separate(no joint mortgage/no joint accounts), spend £5 on his birthday and don't marry him as you will quite likely one day lose everything. This is like being with an alcoholic and expecting them to prioritise spending money on you over alcohol. They can't do it.

Save yourself future misery and get rid of him.

Pinkchristmastree1 · 10/12/2025 09:33

Did you discuss a budget when you decided you both wanted a fuss for your birthdays .
I think I'd probably ask for half of the money I spent on his birthday holiday and say that was my birthday holiday to.
Then I'd finish with the tight git
Because I'd never settle for life with a gambler

ItsDarkNow · 10/12/2025 09:33

he wastes money on online gaming so he’s clearly thinking he doesn’t want to spend all his money on me and have nothing for gambling online.

You are in a relationship with an addict. You are never going to be his priority.

Goandygo · 10/12/2025 09:36

Pinkchristmastree1 · 10/12/2025 09:33

Did you discuss a budget when you decided you both wanted a fuss for your birthdays .
I think I'd probably ask for half of the money I spent on his birthday holiday and say that was my birthday holiday to.
Then I'd finish with the tight git
Because I'd never settle for life with a gambler

This is a great idea.