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Original poster

Partner not spending the same amount on me for my birthday …..

229 replies

ohitssnowww · 10/12/2025 09:04

I will start by saying I’m not materialistic and I know you don’t give to receive.
The start of the year we both said as it’s our 40th this year we would both like a little mini break.
It was my partners 40th in September and he wanted to go to Greece for a few nights.
So I booked for 4 nights end of September.
I paid for everything and probably spent around £1,500 as we did all inclusive.
For his birthday he said he wanted to feel special so I got him a cake ,balloon etc and got him some gifts to open (around £100 ish pound)

Now at the beginning of the year I said I would like a few nights away in December somewhere warm.
It got to October and he started saying Christmas is a bad time to go away,it’s expensive in December blah blah so I said okay we will just fly to Dublin and have a night there (nice meal etc )
Last month he started saying flights were so expensive and would I not rather have the money he was going to spend on flights for spending money somewhere else.
So I knew he didn’t want to go so I said okay.
He’s booked us to go to Manchester after Christmas for two nights.
At first he was saying he would book a really nice hotel etc and then said again “wouldn’t you rather have spending money for Trafford centre “ so he’s booked a premier inn.

He has double the amount of wages that I have but he wastes money on online gaming so he’s clearly thinking he doesn’t want to spend all his money on me and have nothing for gambling online.
He gets paid 20th this month so will have money.
Then he says it’s pointless buying a birthday cake as we are away after my birthday and a balloon is a waste of money.
Then he jokes “I might as well re use the 40th banners too “
I don’t think he’s joking either
Would you be disappointed ?

OP posts:
Saltvinegar · 10/12/2025 20:11

Eyeshadow · 10/12/2025 20:10

Gaming or gambling??

Gaming - it’s his hobby, fine.

Gambling - absolutely not, I would have left the minute I found out.

Your priorities are all wrong.

It’s gambling, OP has posted about this before. He spends huge sums of money on it.

Middleagedspreadisreal · 10/12/2025 20:24

Online gaming? Lack of thoughtfulness for your special birthday? Leave now. You're worth more.

Tuesdayschild50 · 10/12/2025 20:29

Yes I would be..
He expects to be made to feel special but can't do the same for you your efforts are mismatched x

Swash89 · 10/12/2025 20:31

Seriously, why are you with him. Hope you’re buying him a £1 tube of sweets for Xmas and nothing more.

Eyeshadow · 10/12/2025 20:32

Saltvinegar · 10/12/2025 20:11

It’s gambling, OP has posted about this before. He spends huge sums of money on it.

Show quote history

That’s crazy!

I would not care about holidays and presents when this is such a bigger issue.

Skippydoodle · 10/12/2025 20:38

Quite honestly, he can FRO sheesh 🤷🏻‍♀️

99bottlesofkombucha · 10/12/2025 20:45

You could just say that’s ok it obviously pains you to prioritise me even a little so I will just go to Dublin on my own as the single person I now am and leave you to your sad gamblers life. I hope you enjoyed your 40th and being treated by a generous loving partner, I hope to find someone like that before my 50th.

winnieanddaisy · 10/12/2025 20:50

Did you tell him that you want £1,000 to spend in the Trafford Centre? That’s the least he should give you .
I personally wouldn’t stay with such a selfish child man . Online gaming !!!!

MrsTerryPratchett · 10/12/2025 20:50

BellaBal · 10/12/2025 09:27

What a selfish cocklodging waste of a human lifeform.

I would go all sweet for now. Go to Manchester and go to the Trafford centre on a busy Saturday, the waltz him into a John Lewis and some £1k bits of jewellery make a big fuss about trying them on, pick the one that’s perfect, say how you love it and you simply have to have it, if he demurs say “oh but I spent over £1600 on -all the things you wanted for your birthday and it is Christmas and it’s my fortieth and you didn’t take me away for a break like I wanted - we stuck at the Premier Inn, and you promised to buy me a lovely gift instead . This is what I want - please please please.”

Let him try to say no to that in front of a room full people.

When you get home - go to a local John Lewis store and return the gift for vouchers and then spend on something more sensible. Tell him “oh I changed my mind, it was so expensive I didn’t feel safe wearing it but I feel like we are even now, since we basically spent the same amount in each other. And honestly, it made me SO happy that you would spoil me like that, it was the best 40th birthday I could have hoped for seeing as we didn’t manage to get away for a break. Thank you sweetie for being so lovely.”

Brazen win.

This. The only caveat would be I'd make if half the money. Because you also got to go to Greece.

mommybear1 · 10/12/2025 20:55

@BellaBalPerfect 👌🏻. OP you deserve better moreover take back the money you have spent on him by whatever means he’s clearly has no thought or care for you.

sleeppleasesoon · 10/12/2025 20:58

Cynic17 · 10/12/2025 09:10

I have been married for over 30 years. I don't think I have ever once worked out what he spent versus what I spent - we both just buy something we think the other one would like, whether it costs £20 or £200.

OP, it just doesn't matter! If you are kind to each other, you're sorted.

He’s not being kind though is he.

mondaytosunday · 10/12/2025 20:58

Yea you let him get out if it.
I’d absolutely be disappointed. My DH spoiled me - for my 40th (not married yet) he whisked me off for a surprise weekend at Le Maison aux Q’uatre Saison (or however it’s spelt). Next level amazing.
Back in London he also treated ten of my friends to dinner out to celebrate.
Generosity is a quality I rank high. And worse it’s not like you were asking for him to pay for you to go on your own - he’d be enjoying the time too. Poor show and I’d let him know it was a real let down - and don’t let him get away with it again.

TFImBackIn · 10/12/2025 21:10

Why on earth are you with this tightfisted, gambling, selfish twat?

MrsJeanLuc · 10/12/2025 21:15

Cynic17 · 10/12/2025 09:10

I have been married for over 30 years. I don't think I have ever once worked out what he spent versus what I spent - we both just buy something we think the other one would like, whether it costs £20 or £200.

OP, it just doesn't matter! If you are kind to each other, you're sorted.

Yeah, but he's not. Is he?

momtoboys · 10/12/2025 21:15

I am not normally one who fusses over birthdays, mine or anyone else's, but I would be disappointed and feel he is taking the piss. If I truly thought that his hesitance to spend money was because it would leave him short for online gaming, I would be furious!

Beachtastic · 10/12/2025 21:16

Cynic17 · 10/12/2025 09:10

I have been married for over 30 years. I don't think I have ever once worked out what he spent versus what I spent - we both just buy something we think the other one would like, whether it costs £20 or £200.

OP, it just doesn't matter! If you are kind to each other, you're sorted.

Yes, but the trouble is, he's not being kind. He hasn't really given much thought to what OP might enjoy.

August1980 · 10/12/2025 21:17

Cynic17 · 10/12/2025 09:10

I have been married for over 30 years. I don't think I have ever once worked out what he spent versus what I spent - we both just buy something we think the other one would like, whether it costs £20 or £200.

OP, it just doesn't matter! If you are kind to each other, you're sorted.

us too! No keeping tabs on who spends what! I don’t let him free style though - I just provide a list (even if it’s little household items) ie this year I want a holder to fix on the inside of my wardrobe to hold my Dyson:) £10 on Amazon.. if I didn’t do that he would waste £100’s. One year he sent a photo of our Labrador to some company in the us that made me slippers in the mould of our black labs face!!! They were huge on my feet… (it was like I had puppies on each foot) our actual dog had a field day tossing them about because they looked so much like her….:)

MrsJeanLuc · 10/12/2025 21:18

BellaBal · 10/12/2025 09:27

What a selfish cocklodging waste of a human lifeform.

I would go all sweet for now. Go to Manchester and go to the Trafford centre on a busy Saturday, the waltz him into a John Lewis and some £1k bits of jewellery make a big fuss about trying them on, pick the one that’s perfect, say how you love it and you simply have to have it, if he demurs say “oh but I spent over £1600 on -all the things you wanted for your birthday and it is Christmas and it’s my fortieth and you didn’t take me away for a break like I wanted - we stuck at the Premier Inn, and you promised to buy me a lovely gift instead . This is what I want - please please please.”

Let him try to say no to that in front of a room full people.

When you get home - go to a local John Lewis store and return the gift for vouchers and then spend on something more sensible. Tell him “oh I changed my mind, it was so expensive I didn’t feel safe wearing it but I feel like we are even now, since we basically spent the same amount in each other. And honestly, it made me SO happy that you would spoil me like that, it was the best 40th birthday I could have hoped for seeing as we didn’t manage to get away for a break. Thank you sweetie for being so lovely.”

Brazen win.

That is real style! 👏👏👏

Betty1625 · 10/12/2025 21:19

He's a gambler! Don't walk, run for the hills!
Gambling will always come first to the men like him

RescueMeFromThisSilliness · 10/12/2025 21:20

Is it just me who's thinking he's planned this Manchester shopping spree just before Christmas in the expectation that the OP will spend some of the money he gives her on Christmas presents for him?

ToughTimesDon'tLastToughPeopleDo · 10/12/2025 21:26

This all sounds so familiar to me. Of course I found out too late after my ex partner didn’t pay the mortgage for months, stole from his friends and family and gambled a large inheritance away in 2 days that he kept hidden from me.
At the time, I was paying for all the other bills and any nights out / luxuries as he always pleaded poverty. Please don’t make the same mistake I did and stay with a gambling addict. I look back and kick myself after believing his lies for so long and coming bottom of his priorities as his gambling fix always came first. If he earns twice as much as you but is struggling financially then he may be in debt already, hence the wanting to ‘feel special’ as he may not be able to afford to treat himself.
Good luck OP, I know it’s hard and you want to believe him, but I would be very wary of getting financially linked to this man in any way if he does have a gambling problem.

Blump2783 · 10/12/2025 21:32

CuriousKangaroo · 10/12/2025 09:11

You have a much bigger problem than your birthday if you are with someone who repeatedly spends a significant proportion of their wages on gambling.

This

Supersimkin7 · 10/12/2025 21:33

You come second to gaming.

Second = nowhere with gamblers.

You won’t believe us cos he’ll be very good, really good, at persuading you to stay. Go.

If you think you can’t trust randos on tinternet, just try trusting a gambler.

Blueytwo · 10/12/2025 21:33

The money is totally immaterial. The thoughtfulness behind it is. There is no thought. There is no kindness. The best gift he has unwittingly given you is staring you in the face. He has shone a light on your relationship. Get out. Now

Dissappearedupmyownarse · 10/12/2025 21:34

ohitssnowww · 10/12/2025 09:04

I will start by saying I’m not materialistic and I know you don’t give to receive.
The start of the year we both said as it’s our 40th this year we would both like a little mini break.
It was my partners 40th in September and he wanted to go to Greece for a few nights.
So I booked for 4 nights end of September.
I paid for everything and probably spent around £1,500 as we did all inclusive.
For his birthday he said he wanted to feel special so I got him a cake ,balloon etc and got him some gifts to open (around £100 ish pound)

Now at the beginning of the year I said I would like a few nights away in December somewhere warm.
It got to October and he started saying Christmas is a bad time to go away,it’s expensive in December blah blah so I said okay we will just fly to Dublin and have a night there (nice meal etc )
Last month he started saying flights were so expensive and would I not rather have the money he was going to spend on flights for spending money somewhere else.
So I knew he didn’t want to go so I said okay.
He’s booked us to go to Manchester after Christmas for two nights.
At first he was saying he would book a really nice hotel etc and then said again “wouldn’t you rather have spending money for Trafford centre “ so he’s booked a premier inn.

He has double the amount of wages that I have but he wastes money on online gaming so he’s clearly thinking he doesn’t want to spend all his money on me and have nothing for gambling online.
He gets paid 20th this month so will have money.
Then he says it’s pointless buying a birthday cake as we are away after my birthday and a balloon is a waste of money.
Then he jokes “I might as well re use the 40th banners too “
I don’t think he’s joking either
Would you be disappointed ?

You are not, and never will be his priority in life. He has set a VERY low bar of what you should expect from him in times to come.
Do yourself a massive favour and see this as your opportunity to jump ship and start you life over at 40 before its too late! I did and now I so wish I had done it 10yrs sooner!

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