Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Chat

Join the discussion and chat with other Mumsnetters about everyday life, relationships and parenting.

Original poster

Partner not spending the same amount on me for my birthday …..

229 replies

ohitssnowww · 10/12/2025 09:04

I will start by saying I’m not materialistic and I know you don’t give to receive.
The start of the year we both said as it’s our 40th this year we would both like a little mini break.
It was my partners 40th in September and he wanted to go to Greece for a few nights.
So I booked for 4 nights end of September.
I paid for everything and probably spent around £1,500 as we did all inclusive.
For his birthday he said he wanted to feel special so I got him a cake ,balloon etc and got him some gifts to open (around £100 ish pound)

Now at the beginning of the year I said I would like a few nights away in December somewhere warm.
It got to October and he started saying Christmas is a bad time to go away,it’s expensive in December blah blah so I said okay we will just fly to Dublin and have a night there (nice meal etc )
Last month he started saying flights were so expensive and would I not rather have the money he was going to spend on flights for spending money somewhere else.
So I knew he didn’t want to go so I said okay.
He’s booked us to go to Manchester after Christmas for two nights.
At first he was saying he would book a really nice hotel etc and then said again “wouldn’t you rather have spending money for Trafford centre “ so he’s booked a premier inn.

He has double the amount of wages that I have but he wastes money on online gaming so he’s clearly thinking he doesn’t want to spend all his money on me and have nothing for gambling online.
He gets paid 20th this month so will have money.
Then he says it’s pointless buying a birthday cake as we are away after my birthday and a balloon is a waste of money.
Then he jokes “I might as well re use the 40th banners too “
I don’t think he’s joking either
Would you be disappointed ?

OP posts:
TheAutumnCrow · 11/12/2025 00:12

snoopythebeagle · 10/12/2025 09:14

Uh, I think you’re focusing on the wrong thing here - why are you wasting your life away with a gambler?

This is sage advice, OP.

caringcarer · 11/12/2025 00:19

Sounds like the gambling has become an addiction. That is the big problem. Don't marry him.

Nevernonono · 11/12/2025 00:38

Cynic17 · 10/12/2025 09:10

I have been married for over 30 years. I don't think I have ever once worked out what he spent versus what I spent - we both just buy something we think the other one would like, whether it costs £20 or £200.

OP, it just doesn't matter! If you are kind to each other, you're sorted.

It does matter, he’s gambling his money away!
OP don’t get any further involved with him.

Ilovelifeverymuch · 11/12/2025 01:10

snoopythebeagle · 10/12/2025 09:14

Uh, I think you’re focusing on the wrong thing here - why are you wasting your life away with a gambler?

It's interesting how OP continues to ignore the multiple posters calling out the gambling issue.

Pherian · 11/12/2025 01:12

Do you mean online gaming or online gambling ?

I’ve been a gamer for 30 years and I have never spent more than £25 a month on game subscriptions to access the gaming platform - think Xbox sub so I can access fallout76. Or is he playing those pay to win games where you basically need to spend £100’s a month or more to have resources etc ? That pay to win system is gambling and you may as well burn your money - only a fool would be doing this.

If he’s a gambler - is he always cheap ? Has he recently lost a lot of bets ? is he a gambling addict ?

I think you need to strongly reconsider the relationship if he’s a gambling addict or a moron paying 100’s a month of pay to win games. He sounds like an idiot.

He is also a cheap inconsiderate asshole.

Tell him to cancel the Premier Inn and just take yourself away where you want to go by yourself. Being lonely in a nice place is better than feeling sad and angry in premier inn in Manchester.

StayceGerste · 11/12/2025 02:07

Yes, I would be.

Brokentramulator · 11/12/2025 02:23

i would walk away - coming second place to
gambling - that’s no life.

cupfinalchaos · 11/12/2025 02:33

Please take the comments on here seriously. Is this what you want for the rest of your life?

Franjipanl8r · 11/12/2025 03:23

He sounds miserly an irresponsible with money, not someone you want to have kids with sorry.

TableLegs001 · 11/12/2025 03:41

Has he done this before?

Is the gambling addiction getting worse?

Ladybyrd · 11/12/2025 03:46

This doesn’t sound like a post from someone in their 40s. You sound a little emotionally immature and he’s taking advantage of that. There are several red flags in this story but I think the biggest is the online gambling.

I can’t imagine my partner telling me he “wants to feel special”. I’m sorry, but what a dick. Then he returns that with a night at premier inn in rainy Manchester, so he can throw all his/your money away online?

He’s making a point of showing you where his priorities lie. I would listen and end the relationship.

Leftsidefacing · 11/12/2025 03:54

Well, I got a souvenir t shirt for my 50th and was all prepared to say it doesn’t matter what things cost..etc but no, to my surprise you are absolutely not being unreasonable.

You organise an all inc holiday in Greece with basically a party for two laid on and loads of presents and he offers you a night in a Premier Inn and a bit of spending money for the Trafford Centre? Its rotten and I’d be saying so.

The real question here is - why are you not worried about the online gambling? I couldn’t be in a partnership with a gambler.

Billybagpuss · 11/12/2025 03:55

Op said Gaming not Gambling.

still an addiction though

Leftsidefacing · 11/12/2025 03:56

@Billybagpuss She did say gambling:

”He has double the amount of wages that I have but he wastes money on online gaming so he’s clearly thinking he doesn’t want to spend all his money on me and have nothing for gambling online”

Billybagpuss · 11/12/2025 04:00

Leftsidefacing · 11/12/2025 03:56

@Billybagpuss She did say gambling:

”He has double the amount of wages that I have but he wastes money on online gaming so he’s clearly thinking he doesn’t want to spend all his money on me and have nothing for gambling online”

Ah yes both variations within the paragraph

RedToothBrush · 11/12/2025 04:01

Put this another way

£1500 for a holiday, is a cheap way to find out your long term partner has a massive gambling problem and puts this above his relationship.

He won't change.

Empress13 · 11/12/2025 04:07

The fact he gambles would give me the ick. What will happen when you have kids and he prioritises his gambling money over them? 🚩

MaMaMalenka · 11/12/2025 05:19

snoopythebeagle · 10/12/2025 09:14

Uh, I think you’re focusing on the wrong thing here - why are you wasting your life away with a gambler?

Agree.

DottyLottieLou · 11/12/2025 07:27

You won't change him. Is this what you want for the rest of your life? Put yourself first.

TorroFerney · 11/12/2025 07:32

snoopythebeagle · 10/12/2025 09:14

Uh, I think you’re focusing on the wrong thing here - why are you wasting your life away with a gambler?

Probably because it’s easier than focusing on the real issue! Op what’s wrong g with your self esteem that you let yourself be treated like this but over give to him? That’s the thing you need to understand as if not you’ll leave him but just repeat the patterns in your ext relationship.

Bestfootforward11 · 11/12/2025 08:11

It’s not the precise amount of money he spends but the fact he is gaming and is not prioritising you in the same way you did him. Really not acceptable for him to be pushing for a great birthday for himself which you facilitate and then offer so little in return. I’d really reflect on what you want here because you don’t want a repeated pattern where you are bottom of the list and taken for granted. I also have to say that someone who is wasting money online is unlikely to be a reliable life partner.

TinyFlamingo · 11/12/2025 08:17

Book for yourself to go to Dublin and say no to Manchester, and the premier inn.

Honestly, say you wanted to feel special and you got Greece all inclusive and gifts. I want to feel special and all your suggesting is a shitty shopping trip and a premier inn do better. And then just be quiet and let he answer. He's selfish and tight (or in debt)
Whatever manipulation he says. Just repeat. You got to feel special and I'm not feeling special and that sucks.

If he was taking you to Paris or London in a lux hotel for shopping that would be one thing, or hello New York but Trafford centre and premier inn I'd be telling him no, I won't be going. Do better!

Gamblers and addicts can be incredibly self centred and selfish though and I would expect this is typical behaviour of him. Is it?
:/

TinyFlamingo · 11/12/2025 08:23

Also no more effort for his birthday s he can do it himself. I'd buy him a cheap card and a cheap voucher and then spend on a gift for myself and wrap it for my own birthday.

You deserve something fabulous.

If he's butt hurt about it, "the present is representative of how much effort you but in and how I feel and this is what we do now unless you put more effort in."

💜💟

Busybeemumm · 11/12/2025 08:48

Your main issue is the gambling and not presents for your birthday. He is already openly telling you who he is so believe him. Gambling in one of the worst types of addiction and i would not be able to get past this.

Your life will be a series of ups and downs but mainly downs as the house as aways wins and you will loose your home and any security.

FeistyFrankie · 11/12/2025 08:55

Cynic17 · 10/12/2025 09:10

I have been married for over 30 years. I don't think I have ever once worked out what he spent versus what I spent - we both just buy something we think the other one would like, whether it costs £20 or £200.

OP, it just doesn't matter! If you are kind to each other, you're sorted.

How can you give her such awful advice - did you even read the post??

OP it sounds like your DP has a gambling problem. At any rate, he seems to resent having to plan something nice for you. And it's your 40th!!! This is one of those "big" milestone birthdays where you expect a bit of effort. It's not about the money, ultimately - it's about effort, and he's showing you that he can't be bothered. He'd rather spend his money on himself. He is being incredibly selfish. The fact that he is behaving like this even AFTER the wonderful birthday trip you planned for him, simply makes it even worse. Because it's just undeniable, isn't it? He would simply rather spend the money on himself, than do something special to make you happy.

I don't think that men like this change. And I don't think they make good partners either. Can you book a trip away somewhere and go solo? I think you risk feeling quite angry and resentful if you go along with his shitty Manchester trip idea!