Partner not spending the same amount on me for my birthday …..

[ohitssnowww]

I will start by saying I’m not materialistic and I know you don’t give to receive.
The start of the year we both said as it’s our 40th this year we would both like a little mini break.
It was my partners 40th in September and he wanted to go to Greece for a few nights.
So I booked for 4 nights end of September.
I paid for everything and probably spent around £1,500 as we did all inclusive.
For his birthday he said he wanted to feel special so I got him a cake ,balloon etc and got him some gifts to open (around £100 ish pound)

Now at the beginning of the year I said I would like a few nights away in December somewhere warm.
It got to October and he started saying Christmas is a bad time to go away,it’s expensive in December blah blah so I said okay we will just fly to Dublin and have a night there (nice meal etc )
Last month he started saying flights were so expensive and would I not rather have the money he was going to spend on flights for spending money somewhere else.
So I knew he didn’t want to go so I said okay.
He’s booked us to go to Manchester after Christmas for two nights.
At first he was saying he would book a really nice hotel etc and then said again “wouldn’t you rather have spending money for Trafford centre “ so he’s booked a premier inn.

He has double the amount of wages that I have but he wastes money on online gaming so he’s clearly thinking he doesn’t want to spend all his money on me and have nothing for gambling online.
He gets paid 20th this month so will have money.
Then he says it’s pointless buying a birthday cake as we are away after my birthday and a balloon is a waste of money.
Then he jokes “I might as well re use the 40th banners too “
I don’t think he’s joking either
Would you be disappointed ?

This, and the fact you can’t really does raise red flags about your relationship, like you just give him what he wants and let him treat you like crap.

Sorry, he's not valuing you. I don't mean money spent, I mean over your wishes. This isn't a case of forgetting your b'day or anything as you've spelled it out to him, this is downplaying your importance. Not good.

Don’t have a relationship with a gambler. It gets worse. Mine stole everything from my home to sell including the last coins in my purse for food and child benefit money for the week for nappies. Move on in 2026 away from that sort of life..

I had a bad online gambling problem. My husband bailed me out once and I completely stopped after. I have ADHD and adductive tendencies. Online gambling was by far and away the most impactful and hard for me.

Your priority here is not the birthday. Your priority is making sure you keep your finances separate. No joint bank account, no joint mortgage. Don’t marry. I cannot stress this enough. Also, all gamblers lie (to themselves and to others). If you really love him and see a future with him, then maybe do a deep dive into gambling addiction. First by yourself, then with him. I really, really can’t stress this enough.

And that his birthday is Christmas eve, whereas in this post it's September

Hey op he is totally disregarding your wishes why does he get to be spoiled then he offers you money it’s not exactly thoughtful or special you should say hey dp I’ve been thinking I really want a cake and balloons just as I got you. because he is wriggling himself out of spoiling you and if he says he’s skint at the time what then? You should have stuck to your plan same way you did for him he’s being a selfish prick tbh and I would be fuming also might be best not to have a kid with this arsehole. His gaming spending won’t change with responsibility.

Gaming, not gambling

Definitely, whatever you do DON’T MARRY HIM or you’ll live to regret it. Once a gambler always a gambler ☹️

Yeah he's not a partner is he, but also, you are allowing this/not raising it at the time;
He clearly asks for what he wants and you give it (I want somewhere warm, I want to feel special)
Whereas you've allowed him to go "how about...." or "wouldn't you rather". You should say "I want to feel special on my birthday, I want a holiday somewhere warm for a few nights in a nice hotel. I do not want to go to the Trafford centre and I don't want to stay in a Premier inn"
The reason you aren't stating these wishes, is deep down you know he won't give you what you wish for because he doesnt prioritise you, and you dont want that tubbed in your face when he says "no, I won't be getting you that". The big red flag is it's not even like he's saving or spending it, he's gambling it away. Don't choose someone who values online gambling above you. Ask for what you want, if he doesn't give it to you then you know where you stand.

You're with a cheap twat. Next time he says he wants to go somewhere warm, take him to the local swimming baths. Or better still, dump the gambling addict wanker and find someone less disappointing to spend your life with.

I’d say no we should do something similar to what i did for you. You wouldn’t expect me to spend 1.5k on you and you only spend a few hundred on me.

I also wouldn’t be with a gambler

Yes I would and I would be telling him it’s not acceptable

the agreement was you would go away for respective birthdays, he got his wish of Greece, you want your wish of xxxx
He wanted a cake and presents to celebrate as well, so you do

I would present him with details of where you want to go and for how many nights and tell him to book it

Nothing worse than a begrudged present. I would be telling him not to bother at all and that in future I wouldn't bother either. He wanted to feel special on his Birthday but begrudges anything much on yours.

So he's a gambling addict?
Run op

So basically you prioritise his happiness and try to make him feel special. He prioritises his happiness too, and makes himself feel special by keeping his money for what he wants to do with it.

It sounds like your happiness and making you feel special comes nowhere. Do you really want this for your life? And more worryingly, do you really think it’s unreasonable of you to feel disappointed that he rates you so low on his list?

The title makes you sound unreasonable, I couldn't be doing with working out and comparing how much was spent. His lack of effort and downgrading of plans is an issue and I would be unhappy with it if I was you. I'd tell him he can arrange a break abroad for you after Christmas.

Maybe he’s got a surprise up his sleeve for the big day…

…. or maybe he’s in massive debt from gambling and hasn’t told you.

Its hard to say.

OP, you recently post saying you were worried about a trip to Krakow and should you cancel and lose the airfare (£30 each) which mentions you are living month to month. You also posted about not having a car but using your partner's company van and him saying it’s better to not have a car but use the van. It sounds like your finances are precarious.
Are you certain this is a man who you can reasonably build a future with? It sounds a little too unpredictable to me.

If you are staying together, surely it’s better to focus on your holiday in June and start saving money, not spending like it’s burning a hole in your pocket if you don’t!
Tell him (don’t ask!) you are buying X item in lieu of a trip for your birthday and he will be paying for it. Then, when it is delivered to your house say “Thanks for my 40th birthday gift.”
then it’s done, don’t save this up to use against him in the future.
You are choosing him and he is telling you by his actions (or lack of them) what he is like. It sounds like he does not value you as you value him. In your shoes, that would make me walk away…but you do you.

This. You are not a priority to him. And his spending habits make him sound like a poor long term prospect.

id say that his attitude and stinginess towards your birthday has really made you see him a completely different light, and not a good one. You want to go to dublin. Youre not going to the Trafford centre for your 40th as that is shit.

I’d be really disappointed too. He didn’t think an all inclusive holiday in Greece was a waste of money for his birthday when you were paying for it and he benefited from it. He’s a CF and I’d be very vocally pissed off.

I’m sorry OP, what an arse. He was happy to accept a lovely holiday when you paid for it. And he’s giving you two nights in a premier inn? And a complete lack of thought and effort. I wonder if there’s problems with his finances you’re not aware of.

I think realistically you should probably have agreed a joint birthday holiday rather than x 2. He must have form for this sort of thing.

The whole post shows he isnt nice

If this is an example of your day to day relationship then I think you need to give yourself a big 40th gift and walk away. Don’t look back when you’re in your 50’s or 60’s and wish you’d left now. Life begins at 40!! I spent far too long being second place to alcohol and regret it so much.

Or - if this isn’t the norm from him, is there any chance that this is all a big ploy to throw you off a massive surprise?