Partner not spending the same amount on me for my birthday …..

[ohitssnowww]

I will start by saying I’m not materialistic and I know you don’t give to receive.
The start of the year we both said as it’s our 40th this year we would both like a little mini break.
It was my partners 40th in September and he wanted to go to Greece for a few nights.
So I booked for 4 nights end of September.
I paid for everything and probably spent around £1,500 as we did all inclusive.
For his birthday he said he wanted to feel special so I got him a cake ,balloon etc and got him some gifts to open (around £100 ish pound)

Now at the beginning of the year I said I would like a few nights away in December somewhere warm.
It got to October and he started saying Christmas is a bad time to go away,it’s expensive in December blah blah so I said okay we will just fly to Dublin and have a night there (nice meal etc )
Last month he started saying flights were so expensive and would I not rather have the money he was going to spend on flights for spending money somewhere else.
So I knew he didn’t want to go so I said okay.
He’s booked us to go to Manchester after Christmas for two nights.
At first he was saying he would book a really nice hotel etc and then said again “wouldn’t you rather have spending money for Trafford centre “ so he’s booked a premier inn.

He has double the amount of wages that I have but he wastes money on online gaming so he’s clearly thinking he doesn’t want to spend all his money on me and have nothing for gambling online.
He gets paid 20th this month so will have money.
Then he says it’s pointless buying a birthday cake as we are away after my birthday and a balloon is a waste of money.
Then he jokes “I might as well re use the 40th banners too “
I don’t think he’s joking either
Would you be disappointed ?

This. Let me guess—does this selfish attitude extend into the bedroom? He gets what he wants, then he’s “too tired” when it’s time for your pleasure, or he tries to convince you that you don’t really want it?

Damn right I’d be disappointed. As well as hurt, sad, rejected and fucking fuming.

Why does he get to demand “feeling special” On his birthday but you get old banners and no cake? I’d be having a proper chat shoot toss and not accepting it. And the gambling needs to be addressed.

I was just about to say, this sounds like the skint couple who have no money but still seem to find cash for booking holidays and online gambling. The age bit though… some fibs going off there….

My exh ruined my 40th.. I divorced him before I was 41....

Yup, and apparently her partner’s birthday is Christmas Eve. I recognised the user name and thought I’d have a quick look.

I did have sympathy, now I’m like 👍 Whatevs because who knows what the next post will be about!

Yes that’s right! I remember her actually saying on that thread “we are both pretty stupid with money”. They spend left right and centre on holidays and hotel stays then have nothing left at the end of the month.

If it’s even real, of course.

Give yourself an early Christmas gift and bin him. 🎁

Let me guess … you have said none of what you have said here to him? He’s shit, you know he’s shit, yet you’re giving in to his shit and playing the martyr. You’re not responsible for his behaviour but you’re certainly responsible for not calling him out on it. Put your foot down now, state your needs, leave martyrdom in your 30s and start your 40s as you mean to go on!

I fell for it, how annoying.

If this is indicative of what he's like in general (and since you are predicting what will happen, it seems likely it is) Just dump him.

I know it's 6 years and MN is notorious for LTB. But he is using you. He's got more income than you and keeps it for himself while taking what you give without a thought. He's selfish and does not value you. This isn't going to change. It will be the rest of your life with him short changing you every year.

Ask him for money for the Manchester trip on your birthday instead of going at all. Tell him you'd like the Christmas present spending money at Christmas not on the trip if he isn't going to buy you anything. (Get him a couple of inexpensive presents, don't splash out or try and get equivalent). Put the money into a getting away fund. And start planning to leave.

So where he keeps saying "would you rather have the money for..." (which very much suggests there was an equivalent budget for your trip as his) make sure you do get that money! Manchester has great theatres and music venues. Ask him to transfer you some of the money now to book tickets. Plan an itinerary including stopping in at Harvey Nicholls for champagne etc. If he refuses then I think you have your answer.

He sounds as if he has a real problem with money. That's more serious than what happens on your birthday. Does he realise how upsetting his behaviour is? Perhaps you should tell him, seriously, how you are feeling.

it’s not about the amount of money it’s about the piss poor effort he’s made even after seeing how much effort you put into his birthday.

someone being that thoughtless towards me as a partner and completely irresponsible with money would make me question the relationship.

OP in the space of 2 weeks or so you've aged 13 years and your partner’s birthday has shifted from Christmas Eve to September, according to your last post. Which is it?
Though in either scenario you have an absolute walloper of a partner.

Well he doesn’t sound very kind does he?

You are giving him, what you want.

I would probably pass on a trip to Manchester in a premier inn ! What is he thinking ?!

I’d probably go back to him and say I’ve thought about it, and you’re probably going to struggle to spend £1,300 in the Trafford Centre, so it’s probably best you go back to plan A or plan B and spend more on the flights and hotel rather than wasting so much money on things you don’t want or need at the Trafford Centre…

Do a Shirley Valentine. Take a friend away with you somewhere nice and leave the waster to his online gambling.

We are all different, we don't make much fuss about birthdays but that's both of us. It's him expecting the big fuss but not wanting to do the same for you that isn't nice. I really wouldn't be impressed and I'd let him know.

I would guess that his main relationship is with his gambling, not with you, if that's what he wants to spend his money on.

I'd get out, as soon as possible.

He's 40 and an asshole.
Seriously do yourself a favour and make a New Year resolution to value yourself.

And ask him for £1500, because that's fair.

Just go and speak to him. Say what you’ve said here, about the agreement that your both get away for your respective 40th and you both knew it would cost a lot but you agreed, and you spent near £2000 on him so he needs to keep his side of the agreement.

You just need to speak to him. Don’t hold back or skirt the issue; just say it clearly and tell him you expect better and tell him the budget you spent because he had agreed to do the same.

The gambling is a huge red flag here!! You will never be happy with an addict!!!

I’m also wondering if he’s on debt due to the gambling,

if also hate my husband to give me money to go shopping. It just feels so child like.