Utterly stupid jokes that always make you laugh

[BluesandClues]

Why are the pixies banned from pharmacy? They’re on apixiban!

It’s such a stupid joke, but it always makes me giggle.

Why was 10 scared? Because 7, 8, 9.

Where does Hitler keep his armies?

Up his sleevies.

What's the definition of a Shih tzu?

A zoo with no animals.

I can't even tell it keeping a straight face.

blueshoes · Today 23:08

Where does Hitler keep his armies?
Up his sleevies

Crass

A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that the teller's name is Patricia Whack. So he says, "Ms. Whack, I'd like to get a loan to buy a boat and go on a long vacation."
Patti looks at the frog in disbelief and asks how much he wants to borrow.
The frog says £30,000.
The teller asks his name and the frog says that his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's OK, he knows the bank manager.
Patti explains that £30,000 is a substantial amount of money and that he will need to secure some collateral against the loan. She asks if he has anything he can use as collateral.
The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny pink porcelain elephant, about half an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.
Very confused, Patti explains that she'll have to consult with the manager and disappears into a back office.
She finds the manager and says "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow £30,000. He wants to use this as collateral." She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what the fuck is this?"
The bank manager looks back at her and says: "It's a knick knack, Patti Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone"

I had a huge collection of joke books as a child. Loved them.

Another duck one:

A man walks into the doctor's with a duck on his head and the doctor says "What seems to be the trouble?"
The duck says "Can't you see I've got a man stuck to my arse?"

What’s worse than a Girl Guide in your pocket?
A Brownie in your pants.

Kills me every time!

What do you call a man with a seagull on his head?

Cliff

I called the council and asked the assistant "Can I have a skip on the street outside my house?"

She said "Of course you can, it's a free country; but you need to apply for a permit if you want to erect a Maypole."

What's the difference between a foot spa and a bad drummer?
One bucks up your feet...

What's the difference between Croydon central coach stop and a crab with a boob job?
One is a crusty bus station; the other is a busty crustacean.

I bumped into the Chuckle Brothers once, in the queue to get into a livestock auction.

They were going to meet a ewe.

Ah. The duck one. One of DH's favourites 🦆

Two young men - Jack and Tim - were on the beach in their Speedos and hoping for some female attention. Jack opened his bag and pulled out two large carrots that he'd brought with him and handed one to Tim.

"Put this in your trunks to 'enhance' your appearance," he told him, "then go and walk along that section of the beach over there and I'll go to the other end".

Half an hour later, they met back at their original spot to compare notes. Jack excitedly told Tim about all of the ladies who had been flirting with him and obviously eyeing him up with a cheeky wink. Tim, in stark contrast, could only report back that all of the women had taken one look at him and run away screaming.

Jack looked down and said "Aha, Tim, I can see straightaway where you've been going wrong - you should have put the carrot in the front of your trunks."

I've just got a job in a factory, making plastic Dracula novelty toys.

October is their very busiest time of the year, and there's only one other worker and me, so I have to make every second count.

My pickle jokes -

What's green and goes up and down?

A pickle in a lift.

What do you call a group of pickles eating lunch on a rug outdoors?

A picklenick.

What is it called when some pickles get together to compete in sporting events for prizes?

The olympickles.

Just loving these and has been a tough week - thanks so much!
None to contribute myself but did make me laugh when so was in a pub last week chatting to a man and we were talking about irritating people putting their pronouns on their emails and he said ‘I dunno, I identify as a donkey-my pronouns are ‘he/haw’’

A nun is having a bath when there's a knock at the door. 'Who's there?', she calls. 'The blind man', came the reply. Figuring he wouldn't be able to see anything she invited him in. The door opened and he said, 'Nice boobs. Where do you want the blinds?'

My wife's gone to the Caribbean.

Jamaica?

No she went of her own accord.

That's fascinating, thanks for sharing! 🙂

SabreIsMyFave
It was me who wrote Actually/Ashley from Airplane you are correct and I'm wrong. But it works with Ashley as well it doubles your fun! And now I am going to watch Airplane again, win win.

Knock knock
Who's there?.
The man to fix your doorbell

What cheese can you use to hide a small horse? Mascarpone

We had several really tall, narrow kids' joke books, written by Michael Kilgariff - I think most children had them - I can still remember his name 40 years on!

I also had a lot of World's Best ....... joke books, not aimed at kids, but mainly family-friendly (for the time) - although many would never be sold now. There was a whole series: World's Best Lawyer/Irish/Salesman/Holiday/Marriage/Electrician Jokes etc.

I love this one.

What's the do between a tarka dhal,and a tikka dhal?

One's a little otter.