Utterly stupid jokes that always make you laugh

[BluesandClues]

Why are the pixies banned from pharmacy? They’re on apixiban!

It’s such a stupid joke, but it always makes me giggle.

Another Bob Monkhouse joke: I still enjoy an active sex life at 77. I live at number 81, it's no distance.

ah how lovely 🥰 my grandfather would have been 113 this December so clearly of the same generation as your dad. My dad (son of said grandfather) was a keen ww1 buff and had a book which was an anthology of the ‘Wipers Times’ which,(if you don’t know) was a magazine of sorts published for tommies in the trenches (wipers was a play on the name of Ypres, the town in Flanders). Anyway the Wipers Times was filled with jokes like that! It was that generation’s version of Viz I think or perhaps Punch 😃

What do you call a woman on the horizon?

Dot

I particularly like this one as my MIL is called Dot

I heard the version: what's pink and wrinkled and hangs out your Grandad's pants? Your Grandma!

Also, what's pink and extremely hard first thing in the morning? The Financial Times crossword.

Why have elephants got big ears?

Because Noddy wouldn’t pay the ransom

Surely it's Shirley, not Ashley
Or was that a predictive text thingy?

Dot! 😆

Ashley, it is Shirley yes.

Oooh I have one.

Last night a van full of pedigree dogs (on their way to be sold on) was stolen.

Police are looking for leads.

That's the first one that made me LOL!

No, no it isn't!
Any joke can be taken as offensive if you try hard enough

Two fish in a tank.

One says to the other “do you know how to drive this thing?”

I love this joke.

Also - how can you tell the difference between an alligator and a crocodile?

Because one will see you later and the other will see you in a while.

One of my favoutites!
Also
Judge: Look, Mickey, you can't divorce Minnie for having buck-teeth
Mickey: I didn't say she had buck-teeth, I said she was fucking goofey

And
What't the difference between Bing Crosby and Walt Disney?
Bing sings, but Walt dis nae (needs a Scottish accent for full effect!)

My DSs favourite joke. What's the best thing about Switzerland? I don't know but the flag is a big plus...

Jealous!

What does a man with 2 left feet wear to the beach?

Flip flips

ME TOO!

A man walks into a butchers and asks "Can I have a mince round?"

The butcher replies, "You can walk however you like, sir."

What's yellow and goes round and round?
A banana in a washing machine.

What's green and hairy and goes up and down?
A gooseberry in a lift.

The duck one is supposed to be surreal.

I'm dating twins.

People often ask me how I tell them apart.

Well, Jane wears pink nail varnish.

And John has a cock.

The host of a fancy dress party answers the door to a friend of his who is carrying a girl on his back. "Sorry - what have you come as?" he asks. The friend replies "Well I'm a snail and this is Michelle..."

Jesus said to St Peter "Come forth" but he tripped and came fifth

What's the difference between a magician's wand and a policeman's truncheon?
One is for cunning stunts and the other for apprehending criminals.