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Original poster

Consequences of 19 year old with a 49 year old?

217 replies

Scribbleonapage · 21/06/2023 20:38

Do you think that a 19 year old girl seeing a 49 year old man would have lasting negative consequences? Do you think it would be likely to affect the 19 yo even if she doesn't realise it? Is a 49 year old in this situation always in the wrong/a bad guy?

OP posts:
chaosmaker · 22/06/2023 01:17

I think the old Hollywood dads with young children are worse. I think in Al Pacino's case, he is a father to a baby with a woman younger than his daughter. Very weird.

Nightlystroll · 22/06/2023 01:22

fairywhale · 21/06/2023 23:46

21

Show quote history

Blimey. Thats,well harsh. I wouldn't have been born. And my parents wouldn't have been together for 60 happy years.

Nightlystroll · 22/06/2023 01:29

fairywhale · 22/06/2023 00:09

You seem to be a bit too much into detail and technicality for comfort and are defending them too keenly.
When we refer to someone as a dick, will you point out our error and explain to us what one actually is?

Show quote history

Well indeed, I mean let's not be accurate when labelling being people paedophiles. Let's just throw it out at anyone we don't like. So much more fun. 🙄

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

19 years old
tolerable · 22/06/2023 01:51

when he was 19....partner(subject)wasnt even born.so theres that
secret=no validation=no "adult" reltionship/responsible...then guilt shame
19.......and been busy(with men\age appropriate or otherwise)19 and deflowered/almost dependant..19 and...19(one of a list)its all relative.
speaking of which-if BOTH know\kneew relatives would disapprove/react badly...n didnt care...fine
consequences= doomf doomf doomf-another one bites the dust.UNLESS the rship began..before 19?

BadNomad · 22/06/2023 01:54

tolerable · 22/06/2023 01:51

when he was 19....partner(subject)wasnt even born.so theres that
secret=no validation=no "adult" reltionship/responsible...then guilt shame
19.......and been busy(with men\age appropriate or otherwise)19 and deflowered/almost dependant..19 and...19(one of a list)its all relative.
speaking of which-if BOTH know\kneew relatives would disapprove/react badly...n didnt care...fine
consequences= doomf doomf doomf-another one bites the dust.UNLESS the rship began..before 19?

Oopsie. You need to reboot.

TapertandEdkins · 22/06/2023 02:01

So I have been in a relationship with someone with a similar age difference for at least four years. The other person isn’t 19 - they are in their early 30s which I guess makes a difference. We have a blast. We both know it is not forever.
I am pretty sure neither of us are damaged.
I met my ex when I was 21. They were in their 30s.
I still look back and feel some resentment at the imbalance of power, even though we made it work for 30 years.

Nightlystroll · 22/06/2023 02:03

Is that what a bot looks like BadNomad. I think it might be the first one I've seen. 😃

bumblebee2235 · 22/06/2023 02:16

Scribbleonapage · 21/06/2023 21:24

Oh no. Im not the guy. Sorry for being vague I just didn't want to go into all the details as I don't think it's something for MN and was scared of all of the replies. I just don't have anyone to talk to about it and have been wondering for a long time about the lasting affects of this and whether 19 is really still a child, or whether they would come out of this unscathed. I suppose it's not really something anyone can answer as it depends on the situation and what happened. But it's been whirring around my mind and just wanted to hear others thoughts or experiences

Family would most likely thought of as grooming... even more so as it's "mostly sexual".

19 year olds are not generally on the same mental page or maturity level as a 49 year old...it says a brains mental maturity finishes developing at mid 20's.. even biologically it's not quite right :/

CheekyHobson · 22/06/2023 02:32

Well indeed, I mean let's not be accurate when labelling being people paedophiles. Let's just throw it out at anyone we don't like. So much more fun. 🙄

Don’t try to pretend that “trying to be accurate” isn’t just some apologist way of excusing the obvious dysfunction of someone striking up a relationship with a person 30 years their junior.

There is just as much dysfunction going on (and arguably more) with a 49-year-old dating a 19-year-old as there is with a 19-year-old dating a 14-year-old, despite the fact that the latter is “technically” a pedophile and the former “technically” is not.

bumblebee2235 · 22/06/2023 02:35

Scribbleonapage · 21/06/2023 23:33

@Furries what does PS mean?

I am looking for advice on a real problem. It's just that people are commenting about whether it's right or wrong etc instead of answering the questions I specifically asked. I am asking this for myself, as a 29 year old woman who was once the 19 year old and is now struggling with certain things. I am trying to determine whether this is the cause of some of my struggles and thoughts. No one on MN can tell me this, I appreciate that. But it's now 10 years later and this phase of my life still plays on my mind all the time. I constantly wonder if some of the issues that I face these days with sex and relationships and self image etc could be linked to this. Which is why I asked whether people think there could be consequences even later in life. It never occurred to me before because I actually have always felt fine and unscathed. Only now in hindsight am I piecing some things together and looking back at that time in my life in a new light. Was I taken advantage of? Was he a bad guy? Is this the reason for xyz? I have no one to speak about this to, and was sat on my bed this evening with my cat, and once again my mind trailed back to my 19 year old self and this situation and I just wanted to ask a question anonymously on the subject. I didn't realise it would gain so much traction. I am sorry to anyone I have offended or whatever.

Well.. I was 25 with 55yr old once. I was messed up by it. He was charming, only after sexual relationship. But he was a big banker, I was vulnerable in a bad point in my life. I was blown away with all the compliments and "gifts" felt respected and beautiful for the first time in my life. It was a power dynamic. It got quite messed up all legal loopholes though ( he mixed with big wigs so knew his way around things) I ended up being talked into doing a lot of horrible things legal in how he manipulated it.. it was when I accidentally fell pregnant he got worse. Told me I ruined his life, got very nasty. I did miscarry in the end and boy did he process how glad he was.. was now willing to continue again. It doesn't have to be illegal or legally abusive for it to be messed up and play with your head

Nightlystroll · 22/06/2023 02:43

CheekyHobson · 22/06/2023 02:32

Well indeed, I mean let's not be accurate when labelling being people paedophiles. Let's just throw it out at anyone we don't like. So much more fun. 🙄

Don’t try to pretend that “trying to be accurate” isn’t just some apologist way of excusing the obvious dysfunction of someone striking up a relationship with a person 30 years their junior.

There is just as much dysfunction going on (and arguably more) with a 49-year-old dating a 19-year-old as there is with a 19-year-old dating a 14-year-old, despite the fact that the latter is “technically” a pedophile and the former “technically” is not.

Yeah, well, the technicality is that this guy is not a paedophile.

Oh, away with you. Just because I don't accuse people of crimes they haven't actually committed, doesn't make me an apologist for anyone. 🙄

tolerable · 22/06/2023 02:48

NO @BadNomad you need to re read.or scroll.its NOT my fault you dont understand.OK
@Scribbleonapage ok.So "reflection"is good.xyz is cos....thats the way xyz goes? you arent alone tho.19,29.whatever.NOBODY can cchangea day thats happened. they ALL shape you.can you do NOW.im happy dm,call whatever
if you like.you arent alone........

Theoldgreygoose · 22/06/2023 02:53

I think it is a recipe for disaster, but give over with all these "19 is still a child" posts. It's just ridiculous.

CheekyHobson · 22/06/2023 02:58

This reply has been deleted

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Nightlystroll · 22/06/2023 03:02

This reply has been deleted

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where you can have a nice quiet think about what the fuck you actually added to this conversation.

Corrections of your poor legal knowledge to start with. 😏

CheekyHobson · 22/06/2023 03:14

Corrections of your poor legal knowledge to start with. 😏

I think you’ll find I never said the guy was a paedophile (although who knows! He could be, in addition to being a creep!) but rather that you’ve absolutely missed the point of the thread and added nothing that actually helps anyone.

Nightlystroll · 22/06/2023 03:48

CheekyHobson · 22/06/2023 03:14

Corrections of your poor legal knowledge to start with. 😏

I think you’ll find I never said the guy was a paedophile (although who knows! He could be, in addition to being a creep!) but rather that you’ve absolutely missed the point of the thread and added nothing that actually helps anyone.

I dont see how telling a the op that the guy is a paedophile, when that's clearly not true, will make her feel better. It's just hysterical nonsense.

PinkSparklyPussyCat · 22/06/2023 07:45

Unfortunately most threads about age gap relationships end up as hysterical nonsense on here @Nightlystroll. I had some horrible comments on a thread despite being with DH for 25 years and married for 10.

Sugarfree23 · 22/06/2023 07:47

Op it sounds like you feel you were groomed, abused and used by this man.

At the time you may well have enjoyed the nights out the lifestyle you couldn't afford at the time.
You enjoyed it at the time but now looking back you feel dirty and abused by all of it.

There are parallels with a certain Prince and a young lady who thought they could have sex with no strings.

EmmaEmerald · 22/06/2023 08:29

PinkSparklyPussyCat · 22/06/2023 07:45

Unfortunately most threads about age gap relationships end up as hysterical nonsense on here @Nightlystroll. I had some horrible comments on a thread despite being with DH for 25 years and married for 10.

There's a couple of really horrible threads lately. Even a thread from someone who wondered about her marriage that was like 30 years?

I'm wondering how I'm going to face the world with my age gap...I'm not worried about people who know us but worried about just being seen out.

I find this extended adolescence crazy, if my god daughter tries to claim she's a child at 19 I'll be pissed off. And yes, it did annoy me before I got in my situation.

EmmaEmerald · 22/06/2023 08:32

And FFS why is everyone "vulnerable"? By that measure, I'm very much the vulnerable one in my situation. Gah.

Sugarfree23 · 22/06/2023 09:08

Not sure about the vulnerable bit but there was clearly a power imbalance in any relationship between a 19 yo and a 49yo.

He he exploit that?

JazbayGrapes · 22/06/2023 09:38

I'm wondering how I'm going to face the world with my age gap...I'm not worried about people who know us but worried about just being seen out.

Depends how long in the relationship you're in. In the beginning, the reactions can be quite vile and distressing. Later - you just cut out negative people out of your life.

fairywhale · 22/06/2023 11:10

ASGIRC · 22/06/2023 00:10

Being a dick is not a criminal offense, though.

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And you are not CPS and nor are we. We are not here to convict him.
What's creepy is the paedo almost apologists who come and explain to us what paedos actually are and the whole puberty thing. That's a fucking weird concept to push and to be concerned with whether or not she has reached puberty. A really strange preoccupation.

ASGIRC · 22/06/2023 11:27

fairywhale · 22/06/2023 11:10

And you are not CPS and nor are we. We are not here to convict him.
What's creepy is the paedo almost apologists who come and explain to us what paedos actually are and the whole puberty thing. That's a fucking weird concept to push and to be concerned with whether or not she has reached puberty. A really strange preoccupation.

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She hasn't just reached puberty. She's an ADULT!! Whether you like it or not.

Again, not saying this relationship is healthy. But she is AN ADULT. Not a child, in any way.
She can vote, she can go to prison, she can drink (anywhere that isn't the US), she can gamble, she can work full time.

The guy is not attracted to a child. But to an adult. Sure. It might be an immature adult, but that's still not a child,regardless of your opinions on it.