Consequences of 19 year old with a 49 year old?

[Scribbleonapage]

Do you think that a 19 year old girl seeing a 49 year old man would have lasting negative consequences? Do you think it would be likely to affect the 19 yo even if she doesn't realise it? Is a 49 year old in this situation always in the wrong/a bad guy?

FGS - now the PS threads are in disguise.

Threads like this are why people often stop bothering to reply to threads where an OP needs real-life advice.

I am 100% for safeguarding. I am 100% against threads like this which are not from someone seeking advice on a real problem - merely muddying the pot.

So many issues with that dynamic that I don't want to get into the back story.

However, I think back on myself at 19 and I was not as intelligent or worldly as I thought I was. I have a family member who was 19 recently and telling me their views about the world, it was nice and idealistic but they haven't lived much yet. I still find myself thinking that about my 21 year old cousin sometimes who hasn't yet left home. Their ideas are cute and endearing, perhaps someone of 49 would want to be a shining knight and protect their lovely view of the world and all these powerful solutions they think are possible but not realise how fucked up they are?

How do they have anything much in common with someone who's lived just under half a century? Someone of 49 may not necessarily be intelligent purely due to age but just imagine just the difference in knowledge and knowing how certain things work from living through world events alone. Massive power imbalance.

Most 49 year old single men would not kick a 19 year old willing participant out of bed; to think otherwise is naive. Not many would look to have a relationship though

You maybe right but that doesn’t mean I have to fuck with it 😂🤮

Sleeping with someone who is young enough to be your offspring is pretty repulsive, and let’s be honest here most of us wouldn’t touch someone like that with a barge pole.

It depends on the 19 year old and if they’re mature and understands exactly what is happening, obviously it sounds gross but we don’t know what’s happening it could be a genuine connection or they could be using each other for different things BUT if that was my daughter … he would regret the day he put his grubby hands on her I would make sure the world knew he liked college girls.

What’s a PS thread

The lasting negative consequence is that the relationship probably won't last very long. Which is quite likely for any relationship at 19. Not a tragedy.

Unless the man is abusive, or misusing a position of power over her, or cheating on his wife with her, it's unlikely to have other negative consequences.

Possibly if the relationship lasts another 30 or 40 years, which is unlikely!

Most 49-year-olds are nowhere near needing carers.

When I was 21 I had a brief relationship- a few months - with a 42 year old man. It didn’t mean anything, I was just trying things out. It didn’t have any particular effect on me really.
I wasn’t looking for love at that age, just new experiences, good or bad! So it really depends on the 19 year olds personality.

Let me guess the man of 49 has never felt such attraction and knows it’s so wrong and feels so guilty but just can’t help themselves he is tormented

Again ….. it’s as old as time men wanting young women and young women being naive (as we should be) to believe this bullshit and get caught up in it all

If they're both happy with it, then why does it matter if it's just a fling?

Also curious to know what people think of Sam Taylor Wood and Aaron Johnson.

@Furries what does PS mean?

I am looking for advice on a real problem. It's just that people are commenting about whether it's right or wrong etc instead of answering the questions I specifically asked. I am asking this for myself, as a 29 year old woman who was once the 19 year old and is now struggling with certain things. I am trying to determine whether this is the cause of some of my struggles and thoughts. No one on MN can tell me this, I appreciate that. But it's now 10 years later and this phase of my life still plays on my mind all the time. I constantly wonder if some of the issues that I face these days with sex and relationships and self image etc could be linked to this. Which is why I asked whether people think there could be consequences even later in life. It never occurred to me before because I actually have always felt fine and unscathed. Only now in hindsight am I piecing some things together and looking back at that time in my life in a new light. Was I taken advantage of? Was he a bad guy? Is this the reason for xyz? I have no one to speak about this to, and was sat on my bed this evening with my cat, and once again my mind trailed back to my 19 year old self and this situation and I just wanted to ask a question anonymously on the subject. I didn't realise it would gain so much traction. I am sorry to anyone I have offended or whatever.

I dated a much older man when I was 16. He was 36 so not so much of an age gap. It only lasted 6 months, when my parents found out how old he was. No lasting effects but I don't think I was really in love with him, just wanted to be in a relationship.
If it's an actual serious relationship it's not going to work long term and the guy is a family friend? Has he known the 19 year old since she was a baby, because if he has that's beyond sick.

Yes it will affect her. Been there, done that

Why didn't you just say this in your OP?

It's a very clear power imbalance and that inherently causes problems.

Few years difference but when I was 23 I was seeing a 52 year old man and it was fun for a while but it definitely was not a long term thing

Sam Taylor Wood is predatory

most of us at some point in our lives have been attracted to someone who we shouldn’t get into a fling/relationship with and they have felt the same that you shouldn’t heightens feelings

we might often look back and think what if and romanticise about what could have been but if you walk away (and ffs you should do from someone who has just turned 18 at the start of their adult life and you are nearing 40 with children) all it is a dream of what could have been nothing more

we romanticise and excuse these relationships

Don’t think it’s affected me negatively but it was only a couple of years ago. We didn’t really have that much in common to be honest because of the age difference but enjoyed the physical side of things but it was short lived and just fizzled out

And the fact they're still married doesn't change how you view that?

when I think what some of the 18 year olds were like at my school in terms of picking up women...I just can't fathom thinking of them as "boys".

On the face of it, such a relationship seems unwise. But it depends on the individuals involved.

A friend of mine fell in love with a man over 30 years older than she was. They were highly compatible, married and were together for 45 happy years. He was a leader in his employment field and worked into his 90s. He also remained physically fit. She became very protective of him with the advent of Covid as by then he was becoming frail. He died when he was 99.

Another friend had a relationship with a 58 year old when she was 17. It didn't last, but there were no negative effects on her (to answer your question, OP), and they remained good friends until his death.

Unusual maybe . . . but it all depends.

Yes, I think there is a high chance your current difficulties trace back to that period in your life. Perhaps counselling will help?

Yuck and fucking yuck. How disgusting. Sick old creep and pervert.

21

If I’ve caused upset, then I apologise, but this thread feels like a weird “reverse” type thread on the story that’s been major news recently re the age difference between a presenter and their “lover”.

OP - you may well find that another board, such as Relationships, is a better place to post. AIBU is often not the best place to post with regards to, what I would call, more serious personal issues.

No-one here can possibly know if that relationship is the cause of your current problems.

The relationship I have the most baggage from was in my 20s with a man four years younger than me. Does that mean all relationships with slightly younger men are inevitably going to haunt the participants forever? No.

You need to see a therapist to work through this stuff, there is unlikely to be a simple cause and effect here.

No it doesn’t change my mind that they are still married

teenagers fall in love and have crushes all the time adults don’t need to play into this let them be

He has said that he was going off the rails and she saved him 🤔 so vulnerable too