Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Chat

Join the discussion and chat with other Mumsnetters about everyday life, relationships and parenting.

Original poster

People who say 'im shit at replying ' to texts...

184 replies

Pileonsally · 31/01/2022 22:27

Cards on table i am a phone addict so I appreciate that I pretty much reply to every Message I get immediately.

I have a couple of close friends, been close friends for years...and they just don't reply to texts! Chstty ones, gossipy ones, serious ones.

I recently sent a long message to a friend saying I was having a shit time and struggling. They put 'in work, will text you later x.
OK totally fine with that. ..
6 days later no reply....
I just texted them again and they put 'i do care im just shit at replying'
To me i feel like if they did care they would remember to text because they care about me.
When people don't reply I feel as though they are saying 'I don't give a fuck about you'.

Before people suggest it, I dont bombard these 2 people with texts (I text my other phone addicts). This was first time I had texted this friend in 2 weeks.

Do you think its ok to say 'sorry im just shit at replying'? And the other person just has to accept being ignored?

OP posts:
Hadharra · 01/02/2022 08:08

I have notifications turned off and check my texts at the end of the day. I'm not obliged to read your message immediately, or even the same day if I don't want to. If you want to talk then phone me. I hate this obsessions with constant communication. A minefield for introverts.

Sleepyquest · 01/02/2022 08:10

@MiddleParking no I do get it, and yes I hate those kind of messages Grin I guess it's more that I feel forgotten about. I put the effort in with people all the time and I'm at quite a low point right now and for friends to reach out would be appreciated.

I think for me, it's knowing these people are on their phones on Instagram or Facebook all the time but replying to your brief msg is too much like hard work.

20viona · 01/02/2022 08:13

OP it's so rude and I'm sorry your friends treated you like this when you need them. Id never do that to someone because I wouldn't like it done to me.

MrsPelligrinoPetrichor · 01/02/2022 08:14

@starray

Sorry, but it's just rude not to reply to texts and emails. Doesn't have to be immediate, but anything more than two or three days to reply to a text just means that person is low on your list of priorities. People who don't bother to reply can come up with all sorts of excuses to make themselves feel better, but in my opinion, at the end of the day, it's rude. Plain and simple.
I agree.
ufucoffee · 01/02/2022 08:14

Are rude. If you see a text and you don't reply in some form it's the same as ignoring someone who has spoken to you

CurryandSnuggle · 01/02/2022 08:15

Even if I’m busy and liable to forget I’d literally add to my calendar “text X back” for a time I know I will be less busy. I’d never neglect a friend in need!

Gilly12345 · 01/02/2022 08:17

We are all different, I’m not making excuses for people but do your friends have children, older parents, busy jobs?

Not everyone responds to text messages straight away.

MrsBerthaRochester · 01/02/2022 08:17

Op ignore the posters giving all kind of nonsense excuses for shitty behaviour. This is not a true friend and NO one is that busy.

ADisgruntledPelican · 01/02/2022 08:21

Another issue is that lots of time organisation books advise having a set time to check messages and emails, then triage them into whether they need a response and schedule a different time for responses.
There are points in my life when my notifications are off and I check my messages once per day. If something is important, I expect people to call. I view messages as 'work' communications because on WhatsApp I'm on groups connected to the school; volunteering etc. On Facebook, I'm on campaigning and business groups. When I check in once per day I can over 100 notifications.
I see an expectation for immediate responses from two sets of people in my life - young people who have grown up with an expectation of immediate responses because of gaming platforms; and people who are constantly having dramas in their lives and have no consideration for how busy people are.
As someone who has often been on-call for work reasons, I see communication channels as something to be switched on and off. I have no expectation of constant contactability by messaging or emails unless it's a work colleague who is on-call.

Faevern · 01/02/2022 08:23

@ufucoffee

Are rude. If you see a text and you don't reply in some form it's the same as ignoring someone who has spoken to you
So if 5 people message you all at once you're rude not to reply to them all? Bollocks to that if 5 people speak to me at once I will ignore them. I haven't got the inclination, never mind time to sift through, prioritise and reply on demand.
SnowWhitesSM · 01/02/2022 08:26

I hate texting, would rather ring and I'm shit at replying to texts even when my phone is in my hand.

I voice note my friends who don't like phone calls. I will listen to and reply to voice notes when I see it, texts just don't do it for me.

I hate when a friend texts me, I ring back to answer and then they don't answer but text me again. It's so strange (I have two good friends like that). So we voice note to get both our needs met in communication.

Faevern · 01/02/2022 08:28

OP dare I say it, as a phone addict who replies immediately your pretty shit at replying on this thread. Sleep is no excuse Wink

MistyFrequencies · 01/02/2022 08:31

I do this. I read a text, start replying then a kid cries or dinner boils over or I remember that I never sent that work email or a million other things distract me and then I forget.
I think part of it is that I don't care if people reply to me, I don't see it as somehow indicative of how much they care. If I really want to talk I'll call them so I kind of just presume that of others too.

TwoLeftSocksWithHoles · 01/02/2022 08:31

Sorry, meant to reply yesterday but I was eating a cake.
I will come back to you on this later.
Definitely.
Maybe today.

fairylightsandwaxmelts · 01/02/2022 08:34

@ufucoffee

Are rude. If you see a text and you don't reply in some form it's the same as ignoring someone who has spoken to you
But you wouldn't walk up to a friend in person and just start sounding off about your problems Confused

You'd be polite, make sure they were free, maybe see if they wanted to go for a coffee and then start talking.

Why is it any different because it's over text?

MadameHeisenberg · 01/02/2022 08:35

@Sleepyquest

Why would they? It’s not like you’re the first woman to ever be pregnant, it’s literally an occurrence that happens billions of times. Most people in the Western world have uneventful pregnancies, especially by the 3rd trimester. Your pregnancy is really of insignificant interest to all but yourself, your partner and possibly the grandparents.

PattyPan · 01/02/2022 08:35

I read a text, get distracted and then completely forget about it. If I had friends who got annoyed about being left on read I’d probably just stop reading their messages.

SamphiretheStickerist · 01/02/2022 08:41

@Pileonsally

That feels like you saying 'I've only got time for you if its a genuine emergency and if so you should ring'
Well, yes!

Maybe, to your friend, you were intruding upon their work time, their paid employment, with an extremely personal text. Had you chosen to text or call in their leisure time, when they were at home, you'd have got a better response.

I regularly don't respond to texts, messages etc because, frankly, I am not emotionally available to anyone who chooses to text rather than call me. If you need help, support or just to hear a friendly voice, call me when I won't be at work. Don't drop an emotionally loaded text on me when I am work. I'll probably see it as catharsis enough for you having sent it!

amusedbush · 01/02/2022 08:42

@ufucoffee

Are rude. If you see a text and you don't reply in some form it's the same as ignoring someone who has spoken to you
Bullshit. The entire point of texting is that the message can be sent at the sender’s convenience and replied to at the recipient’s. Free time does not automatically equate to availability.
amusedbush · 01/02/2022 08:44

@MrsBerthaRochester

Op ignore the posters giving all kind of nonsense excuses for shitty behaviour. This is not a true friend and NO one is that busy.
Did you seriously just call my crippling ADHD a ‘nonsense excuse for shitty behaviour’??
solbunny · 01/02/2022 08:45

[quote MadameHeisenberg]@Sleepyquest

Why would they? It’s not like you’re the first woman to ever be pregnant, it’s literally an occurrence that happens billions of times. Most people in the Western world have uneventful pregnancies, especially by the 3rd trimester. Your pregnancy is really of insignificant interest to all but yourself, your partner and possibly the grandparents.[/quote]
I have to agree I'm afraid! I do understand how it feels like your pregnancy is the most important thing in the whole world as I just gave birth in November! But people have their own lives with things that they regard as the most important things in the whole world.

The close friend I mentioned in a previous post who takes weeks to reply to texts didn't "check in" with me (as in, other than times it came up in normal phone/in person conversation) once throughout my pregnancy. However when I thought I'd had a problem with my baby early in my third trimester and my husband was out in another city for work for the day and parents weren't available, that friend was very quick to drop absolutely everything and leave work to drive me an hour to the nearest hospital! In my first trimester, a different friend dropped everything and took me to the hospital for an early pregnancy scan for a pregnancy I hadn't even told her about yet when I started bleeding because I didn't want my husband to have to explain to his boss why he was leaving work that early in my pregnancy (yes he could have lied, but we panicked! 🤣). Should I really think that they aren't good friends because they didn't "check in"?

mirabellemadrigal · 01/02/2022 08:45

If a friend sent me a long rambling text with all their daily wows, id struggle to reply too

Its not the physical texting or finding time to type out the words and pressing send/ its finding the actual words to say. Not everyone is a wordsmith

Youd be better inviting friend for a walk or
Coffee or wine if you want to talk to them

Everyone is different

SanFranBear · 01/02/2022 08:46

Was reading this thread with interest as I'm pretty speedy in my replies as are most of my close friends... I also understand testing isn't for everyone but then this:

If 10 friends message in one day, which is not unlikely, thats 5 hours out of my day dealing with it

Five hours!! To reply to some texts.. and yet somehow you find time to make a post on MN.. did it take you an hour to respond to a random on the Internet? I doubt it somehow and yet responding to your actual friends means losing half a day. This is so bizarre...!

Original poster
Pileonsally · 01/02/2022 08:49

OP here

Thanks for the responses.

I guess some people don't like texting and some do. I hate people ringing me when I've texted them. Suppose its just trying to accept that people don't communicate the same way.

OP posts:
AngelinaFibres · 01/02/2022 08:49

@MrsBerthaRochester

Op ignore the posters giving all kind of nonsense excuses for shitty behaviour. This is not a true friend and NO one is that busy.
Exactly. If they received a text from you saying "I want to give you a million pounds" they would most certainly find time to reply immediately. They aren't interested because it doesn't affect them. They know that when they have a crisis you will be there for them at a moments notice without them needing to bother with your issues. I would text people who I know will reply and prioritise those people I my life. I would also add that if you are having a bad time then work out strategies for dealing with it yourself. Work out ways that you can improve your mood and coping strategies that don't rely on other people.The people who expect your time when they have a problem but don't return the care when it is your turn are not your friends. They are one step up fron "Facebook friends" who absolutely aren't friends in any sense.
Swipe left for the next trending thread