People who say 'im shit at replying ' to texts...

Pileonsally · 2022-01-31T22:27:00+00:00

Cards on table i am a phone addict so I appreciate that I pretty much reply to every Message I get immediately. I have a couple of close friends, been close friends for years...and they just don't reply to texts! Chstty ones, gossipy ones, serious ones. I recently sent a long message to a friend saying I was having a shit time and struggling. They put 'in work, will text you later x. OK totally fine with that. .. 6 days later no reply.... I just texted them again and they put 'i do care im just shit at replying' To me i feel like if they did care they would remember to text because they care about me. When people don't reply I feel as though they are saying 'I don't give a fuck about you'. Before people suggest it, I dont bombard these 2 people with texts (I text my other phone addicts). This was first time I had texted this friend in 2 weeks. Do you think its ok to say 'sorry im just shit at replying'? And the other person just has to accept being ignored?

educatingrati · 31/01/2022 22:31

I'm guilty of this op. I do care, and I'll often start a reply and then get interrupted, and then I tend to forget I haven't sent the message . However all my friends know this, and I've always told them if they need to chat phone me or FaceTime me! I find it much easier then endless backwards and forwards texting.
I always feel texting or messaging is similar to emails, in that it doesn't require an immediate reply.

SarahAndQuack · 31/01/2022 22:32

Have they ever told you before they don't like texting? And do they communicate in other ways? If yes to both, then I think YABU.

I'm dyslexic; I hate texting. I have whatsapp on my laptop and use facebook messenger so I don't have to try to type on a phone screen. People who persist in sending me 'chatty' texts once they know I don't find it easy ... TBH, I find them rude and I don't feel that inclined to reply.

Original poster

Pileonsally · 31/01/2022 22:33

That feels like you saying 'I've only got time for you if its a genuine emergency and if so you should ring'

OP posts:

SugarAndSpiceIsNice · 31/01/2022 22:34

If I wrote to my friend saying that I was having a shit time and struggling and they didn't bother responding within the same day, I would just not bother with them anymore. Sure everyone is busy but it's not everyday that friends send out "I'm struggling" messages.
I never initiate messages with the ones who don't bother replying.

Hamnet · 31/01/2022 22:37

I’m guilty. I care but sometimes gets arrive and I’m too busy to absorb what they say and then I forget to return to them when things are calmer. Sometimes I see them and I could find time to reply but the effort to reply in a heartfelt way is overwhelming and I am just looking at my phone for some escapism for 5 mins and I dodge the need to reply. I find chasing tests quite intrusive and stressful. In fact as I type this I realise how I hate the idea friendships can be conducted or measured by texts. I am a great friend in person but if friendship is an expectation of regular texting throughout each day then I’m not able to deliver that.

TerryChoc · 31/01/2022 22:38

I’m pretty useless too and another that prefers phone or FaceTime. However, if someone specifically messaged to say they’re struggling I would try all I can to reply even if it takes me 4
attempts.
A bit crappy of your friend IMO

TheLoupGarou · 31/01/2022 22:40

I have ADHD and a terrible memory - I read texts and then it goes out of my mind - maybe for days, until something jogs my memory. I might start to reply, get distracted and then just forget I didn't send. I try my best not to do this - I have lots of strategies I use but sometimes things fall through the net.

It definitely doesn't mean I don't care - I'm much better if someone calls me with a major issue, or if they need to talk as I can respond in the moment.

I'm sorry you're having a hard time OP

SarahAndQuack · 31/01/2022 22:41

@Pileonsally

That feels like you saying 'I've only got time for you if its a genuine emergency and if so you should ring'

What does a preference for phones or other forms of message have to do with emergencies?

Motheranddaughtertotwo · 31/01/2022 22:41

I hate texting but I’ll always make the effort to call.
That said, once I get interrupted I say I’ll call back and often don’t. Kids and life gets in the way but I hope and think my friends know I’m there if they need me.

Inextremis · 31/01/2022 22:46

I've got (had?) a friend like this - she knows it upsets me to be left on read for several days - she knows because I've had meltdowns over it, she is (was?) supposed to be my best friend, and yet she still does it. When I've explained to her in the past that it makes me feel like shit, she's made an effort for a few days, then reverted to her usual practice of not bothering to get back to me. This must have happened 5 or 6 times over the past couple of years - and this time, I have given up. It's obvious that I don't mean that much to her, so I'm taking the hint, and she can take a hike. I think we'll both feel better for it.

TheLoupGarou · 31/01/2022 22:49

To add - I like to think I'm a good and kind friend in person (and on the phone) but I would find the expectation of uber prompt replies and back and forth texting and messaging really stressful.

educatingrati · 31/01/2022 22:56

@Pileonsally

That feels like you saying 'I've only got time for you if its a genuine emergency and if so you should ring'

Not really, but it's the only sure fire way they'll get a reply. I take ages to reply to texts because it's so easy to type the wrong thing! In your example of the text you sent I would probably spend at least 15 minutes typing, reading and re typing to make sure what I said could in no way be misconstrued. By which time I will have been interrupted several times. I'm no different with writing emails, I check, double check and triple check before I send. So for me picking up the phone or video calling is much easier and quicker. It doesn't mean I care any less but I can't be doing with message ping pong. I also never reply to message at work, because I'm being paid to work, and as mentioned above it takes me along time to formulate and reply to a message.

LouLou789 · 31/01/2022 23:01

Six days is awful! I mean, everyone can have a hectic day and maybe not be able to reply properly (tho I would never do this) but six days, no.

loves2plan · 31/01/2022 23:02

I do get your point, OP but I am guilty of this too. I'm on my phone a lot but sometimes I'm just too busy to text or have other things on my mind and think I'll reply to that later then just forget. It doesn't mean I don't care, and I have sensitive friends who pull me up on this a lot too.

IDidntKnowItWasAParty · 31/01/2022 23:04

If it's someone who is genuinely really busy, I would be understanding; but if they have a lot of free time, I wouldn't. For example, my friends who are single mums juggling work, kids, pets etc, I totally understand why they struggle to text me; but other friends who are child-free with tons of free time yet also say they dont have time to text, I do not understand and my relationship with them is becoming strained.

LeQuern · 31/01/2022 23:07

I often don’t reply to long texts - it becomes a conversation back and forth and that requires time, commitment and energy that I may have have at that particular time.

If a friend texts me saying they are having a hard time, I arrange a mutually convenient time to chat in person or on the phone.

Expecting people to be glued to their phones whilst they are getting on with their day is unreasonable and, for me, too demanding.

LeQuern · 31/01/2022 23:08

@IDidntKnowItWasAParty I am single and child free - doesn’t mean I don’t get busy or should be available to others on their time frame.

Toomanyradishes · 31/01/2022 23:09

For example, my friends who are single mums juggling work, kids, pets etc, I totally understand why they struggle to text me; but other friends who are child-free with tons of free time yet also say they dont have time to text,

Because people without kids dont have work, or pets, or lives... maybe they just dont want to be friends with you because you dont understand that they might be busy in ways that arent included in your arbitrary list

TyrannosaurusRegina · 31/01/2022 23:10

@Inextremis

I've got (had?) a friend like this - she knows it upsets me to be left on read for several days - she knows because I've had meltdowns over it, she is (was?) supposed to be my best friend, and yet she still does it. When I've explained to her in the past that it makes me feel like shit, she's made an effort for a few days, then reverted to her usual practice of not bothering to get back to me. This must have happened 5 or 6 times over the past couple of years - and this time, I have given up. It's obvious that I don't mean that much to her, so I'm taking the hint, and she can take a hike. I think we'll both feel better for it.

What if it upsets her or mentally drains her for there to be a demand/expectation that she replies to every single message in some arbitrary 'acceptable' timeframe? I personally find sitting having to type out conversations via text all night exhausting and draining. I'd be really pissed off if someone claimed that if I didn't do it in a timely fashion, it would cause them to have a "meltdown". I mean a meltdown, really?

RampantIvy · 31/01/2022 23:11

I hate texting. I find it such a faff, so I tend not to chat by text, but will pick up the phone and make a call instead. I always text the person I'm calling first to make sure that this is OK.

However, if someone sent me a message to say they were struggling I would reply pretty much straight away.

goodwinter · 31/01/2022 23:11

@Hamnet

I’m guilty. I care but sometimes gets arrive and I’m too busy to absorb what they say and then I forget to return to them when things are calmer. Sometimes I see them and I could find time to reply but the effort to reply in a heartfelt way is overwhelming and I am just looking at my phone for some escapism for 5 mins and I dodge the need to reply. I find chasing tests quite intrusive and stressful. In fact as I type this I realise how I hate the idea friendships can be conducted or measured by texts. I am a great friend in person but if friendship is an expectation of regular texting throughout each day then I’m not able to deliver that.

Me too. I'm quite ashamed of it actually. My issue is also exacerbated by anxiety/avoidance, which is something I struggle with in a few different areas of my life.

I'd like to think I would make a real effort if someone specifically texted me to say they were having a tough time, but in general, yeah I can forget to reply for a few days, and then I feel guilty and avoid it because I don't quite know how to word the apology for leaving it so long, and it just spirals. Or like someone said above, I often leave texts if I don't feel like I'm mentally prepared to have a long back and forth, because that's often what it turns into.

FabriqueBelgique · 31/01/2022 23:11

I have a lot of trouble constructing texts, thinking of things to say, etc. I don’t always have the energy. I maintain friendships by adding a reminder to myself to text so and so to arrange to meet up, but I’ll still procrastinate on it for weeks even though I love seeing my friends.

UghFletcher · 31/01/2022 23:14

Self confessed shit texter here. More because I'm trying to catch up on stuff on breaks between work and then when I finish I'm on school run, cooking dinner etc... and then it's 6 days later and I think 'oh shit I never replied...'

My friends and I have found that leaving voice notes on WhatsApp is better than texting back. It means we can quickly say what Wr need to, between doing other things and still catch up.

FabriqueBelgique · 31/01/2022 23:14

I’ve also never liked being expected to communicate at the drop of a hat just because mobiles were invented!

Mgr1603 · 31/01/2022 23:16

Gosh,, Reading these replies there's a lot of sh*t friends out there, considering nearly everyone these days have there phones glued to them. Takes 2 mins,, even just to say call u later... who forgets to message a friend for days??? Sorry but that's just wrong.. That's the measure of lots or people these days so caught up in there own lifes..such a shame