People who say 'im shit at replying ' to texts...

[Pileonsally]

Cards on table i am a phone addict so I appreciate that I pretty much reply to every Message I get immediately.

I have a couple of close friends, been close friends for years...and they just don't reply to texts! Chstty ones, gossipy ones, serious ones.

I recently sent a long message to a friend saying I was having a shit time and struggling. They put 'in work, will text you later x.
OK totally fine with that. ..
6 days later no reply....
I just texted them again and they put 'i do care im just shit at replying'
To me i feel like if they did care they would remember to text because they care about me.
When people don't reply I feel as though they are saying 'I don't give a fuck about you'.

Before people suggest it, I dont bombard these 2 people with texts (I text my other phone addicts). This was first time I had texted this friend in 2 weeks.

Do you think its ok to say 'sorry im just shit at replying'? And the other person just has to accept being ignored?

Gosh, I don't think I've had proper back and forth text conversations since I was in school on msn - I'm getting flashbacks of mindlessly texting "wuu2?" "Nm, u?" back and forth every few hours 🤣

In all seriousness, I'm guilty of being awful at replying to texts. I generally get a lot of messages from people and from group chats. I would find the expectation to reply quickly very overwhelming and tbh rude. I also generally have my notifications completely switched off 24/7 except for phone/video calls. I don't want to hear my phone going off a million times a day, I just want to be able to answer my calls! I check my messages before I go to bed if I remember, and will try to reply to most of them then.

That said, the vast majority of my friends are also bad texters. One of my best friends takes over a week to reply to my texts, and I generally take a week to reply to hers - if I wanted to actually speak to her or any of my friends, I'd just give them a call and all my friends do the same to me.

The idea that they don't care about me or that I don't care about them just because we don't text feels kind of childish to me. I'd do anything for my friends and vice versa.

All that said, I do see why you're upset OP, as everyone communicates differently and sometimes it's hard to understand when others do things differently. I do think I'd probably remember to get back to a friend if they'd text me that, I've just never been in that scenario as they'd always just call me.

I just forget.

It’s not like I have a busy life, but if I don’t text right back, I probably never will.

To add to my previous post, when I said I get a lot of messages, I wasn't trying to brag about my popularity 🤣 what I meant was that I get a lot of fb messages and WhatsApps relating to a few volunteering causes and groups that I am in and help organise. By the time I've dealt with those before bed, I'm desperate to go to sleep so I rarely get through the social texts too!

I guess this probably adds to the feeling that other posters have mentioned that texts feel like emails to me - they don't require immediate replies. That's just me I guess!

Yep I agree I am crap at staying on top of texts but if someone messaged a long struggling text I would just try to call probably without reading the whole thing then arrange a meet up or see if I could come around.

I think it's pretty bad to forget to reply to a text like that where someone is struggling.

I'm definitely guilty of forgetting to reply to chatty texts though. I read them and plan to reply later when I have time to put more thought into it. Then I forget to do that. Luckily my friends are very understanding (and they sometimes do the same anyway which actually makes me feel better!)

@FabriqueBelgique

I’ve also never liked being expected to communicate at the drop of a hat just because mobiles were invented!

I agree with this. If I’m too busy to answer the phone then I’m too busy to read and respond to a long text. And then I forget because I’m doing something else. If you need to talk it’s far better to send a text to say when is a good time to call or catch up.

She should have called, but equally if it was so important that she respond, why didn't you just call? Calls are not just for emergencies, and if you want a response don't text somebody who frequently doesn't answer texts. But "chatty texts" are the worst if you are not a text person. Maybe you feel like you don't send too many, but for somebody like me who is not glued to a phone, they are just an irritation. All the time.

@rrhuth

I dislike texting, but I would have tried to call you if you were a good friend.

In general though I think sending long, complicated and emotionally intense texts is a bit unreasonable tbh, as you are dumping onto friends.

Agreed. In real life, you usually wouldn't walk up to someone with a stream of consciousness about how bad things are. You'd say hello, ask how they are, if they have time to talk, try to gauge if they're in the right headspace and so on.

Similar to many pps... I've currently got 23 unread messages. If I reply, those of them who are on their phone all the time will all reply instantly. I will then have to respond because I'm clearly online.
I live alone the vast majority of the time, I like being single because I don't want company. Just because someone else does does not mean I need to engage in conversation to suit them. If I wanted a chat I'd call you.
As for the pps who were all "a friend who doesn't text is no friend, I'd ignore them forever" - I don't reply to your messages, do you really think I'd notice if you stopped messaging? I have relationships with people that are not built on tedious "you ok?" texts.

If I received a long, needy message I’d probably assume it wasn’t an immediate crisis, otherwise they’d phone, surely? Any long message I’d want to send a nice, considered, well written response. Which I couldn’t do if I was out working, out, dealing with kids, making dinner etc. so that’s most of the day. I’ve probably said “I’m shit at replying” in the past, but now I think it’s not the shit-repliers who have the problem. As others have said, it’s not the initial text they often don’t have time for, it’s the expectation that you’ll be to-ing and fro-ing over text for half the day, when it would be much easier and nicer to have a quick chat.

If any of my few good mates texted me that, I would either reply immediately or send a holding text and reply later. Unless you have tons of people messaging you everyday it’s shit to ignore. It doesn’t have to be war and peace just “ah that’s crap sorry you are having a tough time >insert few helpful/supportive suggestions or offer to meet up - the end.

Personally I would hate it if someone sent me a long message like you describe without even bothering to include any small talk or to ask if I was free to chat.

It's actually (imo) quite rude to send someone a message out of the blue with all your problems like that.

If you're struggling then by all means reach out, but surely you ask if someone is free first? See if you can speak to them later or ask if they can meet for coffee - don't just send them an emotionally charged message and expect them to jump to it and respond.

I've also got ADHD and a shockingly bad memory. If someone sent me a text like yours and I couldn't reply immediately, I'd message myself saying 'reply to Pileonsally' and do it later. I would do that because it was important to me. So I have very low tolerance for 'I'm shit at replying' because stuff literally pops out of my head seconds after it goes in and I STILL manage to reply if it's important.

I do forget to reply to general texts sometimes, when I do remember I always send an apology with my reply but I would make a point of replying if someone was upset.

For the 'why don't you just phone' brigade, a lot of people don't like talking on the phone (me included). Me and one of my besties will chat for hours in person every week, I can count on one hand the amount of times we've spoken on the phone (and we've known each other for nearly 20 years). It's just not our way of communicating. We text a few times a week but usually just making arrangements to meet up.

It's actually (imo) quite rude to send someone a message out of the blue with all your problems like that. I agree with this - the sender has no idea what is going on in the recipient's life, and isn't bothering to check before offloading.

I have had periods in my life where I have genuinely had too many pressing issues to deal with in any given day. A long and emotional text message from a friend would have been one thing too many on some days - and it would have been the thing that got deprioritised because I was ethically, legally or contractually responsible for the other things I had to deal with!

Why not phone them instead, not everyone likes using iPhones and nothing beats a proper chat.

@Hamnet

I’m guilty. I care but sometimes gets arrive and I’m too busy to absorb what they say and then I forget to return to them when things are calmer. Sometimes I see them and I could find time to reply but the effort to reply in a heartfelt way is overwhelming and I am just looking at my phone for some escapism for 5 mins and I dodge the need to reply. I find chasing tests quite intrusive and stressful. In fact as I type this I realise how I hate the idea friendships can be conducted or measured by texts. I am a great friend in person but if friendship is an expectation of regular texting throughout each day then I’m not able to deliver that.

I could have written this.

I do care, but texts end up another job on the to do list.
Seeing my friends in person is a boost.
Texts are a drain.

So I am terrible at replying to texts, but your friend should have replied sooner to a message like that.

However I will offer another perspective, and how I have felt about messages like yours.

When the reply is important it's harder to write, it can sometimes take me hours/days to write important texts, because of fear of not coming across right or not conveying the right message or tone. Then the longer you leave it the more perfect the reply has to be to make up for the lateness, until you realise it's too late.

I have been there and made many mistakes, I now know the imperfect reply is better than no reply.

@rrhuth

I dislike texting, but I would have tried to call you if you were a good friend.

In general though I think sending long, complicated and emotionally intense texts is a bit unreasonable tbh, as you are dumping onto friends.

I agree. OP out of interest, why didn't you call your friend? If you know they aren't great at replying to texts, you could have just called them. Not during working hours of course. If you're struggling, ask to meet up with your friend, don't send a long text offloading, speak with them over the phone or face to face.

@Marvellousmadness

Just because we CAN be reached all day,doesn't mean we also therefore HAVE to reply. I hate that society pushes that agenda. Ill text you when I want. Sometimes 2 secs. Sometimes 2 hrs. Sometimes 2 days and sometimes 2 weeks.

Absolutely this !

Reminds me of a thread recently in relationships where OP had met someone once. Yes, that's right. Once. And was losing her shit because he hadn't replied within the arbitrary time limit in her head: bonkers.

@fairylightsandwaxmelts

Personally I would hate it if someone sent me a long message like you describe without even bothering to include any small talk or to ask if I was free to chat.

It's actually (imo) quite rude to send someone a message out of the blue with all your problems like that.

If you're struggling then by all means reach out, but surely you ask if someone is free first? See if you can speak to them later or ask if they can meet for coffee - don't just send them an emotionally charged message and expect them to jump to it and respond.

I agree with that, all the posters above who are berating their 'friends' for not responding in their acceptable time frame with the name calling and things.. do you actually see your friends as a separate entity with things going on for them? Or just as sounding and venting boards? There's been no mention of "I checked to see if they were Ok" just "How dare they not respond to me so I chased them again to say how bad I was"!

People have different communication styles. You may think your friend is a crap friend for not getting back to your text and she may think that your text was something better done face to face or on the phone.

You may not be compatabile for this thing but is it really worth writing someone off for?

Lots of people hate not getting replies and lots of people hate getting texts about anything serious.

@SarahAndQuack

Have they ever told you before they don't like texting? And do they communicate in other ways? If yes to both, then I think YABU.

I'm dyslexic; I hate texting. I have whatsapp on my laptop and use facebook messenger so I don't have to try to type on a phone screen. People who persist in sending me 'chatty' texts once they know I don't find it easy ... TBH, I find them rude and I don't feel that inclined to reply.

I have a mate who's dyslexic, so I only trade very short text messages with him. If the back and forth gets more complicated and requires a lot of sentences, I stop texting and give him a call instead. I wouldn't call anyone else, but I can sense when the texting is getting too much for him, and he always appreciates a ring instead.

Horses for courses. It's not my preferred communication style, but I don't hate it, and it makes such a difference to him. Friendship is about adapting to help each other.

Some people aren't very good at text conversations, and a delayed reply isn't a reflection of how they do or don't feel. For anything urgent, I'd always call. If I'm really low, or a friend is really low, I always text "Can you talk?" and then call. (Sometimes if someone is miserable, they aren't up to speaking and would rather keep texting, which is fine.)

I'm feeling this at the moment OP. Heavily pregnant and no one even checks in! Makes you wonder doesn't it. I need to stop being so available.

I always forget to reply to texts, I just seem to forget that they exist after the notification goes. I feel like everyone is tired and scattered after two long years of pandemic. I wfh now and barely register what day it is, the lockdowns have made me out of habit in connecting with friends. I wouldn't junk a friendship over a text reply, I'd just call the person. Humans aren't evolved to type on interfaces the way we have evolved to use out faces or voices.

@Sleepyquest

I'm feeling this at the moment OP. Heavily pregnant and no one even checks in! Makes you wonder doesn't it. I need to stop being so available.

What needs checking in on? An equally common complaint you see loads on here/Facebook is pregnant women not wanting to receive texts to see if there’s any signs/the baby’s here etc. People can’t do wrong for doing right.