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Original poster

People who say 'im shit at replying ' to texts...

184 replies

Pileonsally · 31/01/2022 22:27

Cards on table i am a phone addict so I appreciate that I pretty much reply to every Message I get immediately.

I have a couple of close friends, been close friends for years...and they just don't reply to texts! Chstty ones, gossipy ones, serious ones.

I recently sent a long message to a friend saying I was having a shit time and struggling. They put 'in work, will text you later x.
OK totally fine with that. ..
6 days later no reply....
I just texted them again and they put 'i do care im just shit at replying'
To me i feel like if they did care they would remember to text because they care about me.
When people don't reply I feel as though they are saying 'I don't give a fuck about you'.

Before people suggest it, I dont bombard these 2 people with texts (I text my other phone addicts). This was first time I had texted this friend in 2 weeks.

Do you think its ok to say 'sorry im just shit at replying'? And the other person just has to accept being ignored?

OP posts:
starray · 01/02/2022 01:18

Sorry, but it's just rude not to reply to texts and emails. Doesn't have to be immediate, but anything more than two or three days to reply to a text just means that person is low on your list of priorities. People who don't bother to reply can come up with all sorts of excuses to make themselves feel better, but in my opinion, at the end of the day, it's rude. Plain and simple.

DysmalRadius · 01/02/2022 01:24

I'm a very chatty person so I struggle with texting as it takes ages to type out a 'natural' response plus autocorrect fucks things up when I'm trying to be sensitive. I also tend to spend most of my time on my phone at about this time of night and am conscious of trying not to wake anyone up with an ill-timed message. Sometimes people communicate differently and it's hard to find some middle ground, but that doesn't always mean there isn't any, just that you both have to find a way to 'chat' that works.

starray · 01/02/2022 01:24

@RampantIvy

I hate texting. I find it such a faff, so I tend not to chat by text, but will pick up the phone and make a call instead. I always text the person I'm calling first to make sure that this is OK.

However, if someone sent me a message to say they were struggling I would reply pretty much straight away.

But you DO respond...you've shown you do care, just not by text, and I think that's fine. It's the people who don't respond in any way, or don't bother to set up an alternative way to communicate that are rude. They just don't reply - at all.
starray · 01/02/2022 01:28

@WildPoinsettia

I agree with you OP, it's crap and no they don't care because if they did, they'd find 5min sometime during the next week to check their messages and reply to people. It's called effort and is needed to maintain friendships. We've all got the same 24hrs in a day so if they're not replying to you, it's because they're choosing to spend their time prioritising other people/things. Totally their choice, but don't try to say they care when their actions say otherwise. I'd let those ones go OP, unless they regularly meet up with you in person. I can understand people just not really being into phones but if there's no contact at all then they don't care, they're not missing you and they don't mind if you fade from their life. That's not someone you should be prioritising.
Totally agree.
Bussinbussin · 01/02/2022 01:30

I have ADHD and my object permanence is non-existent so as soon as the notification has disappeared, it's out of my head. Or sometimes I'm on my phone scrolling through social media or playing a game, I'll see a text pop up at the top of the screen and I just can't face getting into a back and forth of typing so I won't open the app until I'm ready to engage. Then, of course, I totally forget about it until days later and I feel awful about it. Or I construct a reply in my head and forget that I didn't actually send anything.

I haven't been diagnosed, but this is me to a T too.

If I got a message like yours I'd want to make sure I had the time and headspace to respond properly, as I'd expect it to turn into a back and forth conversation. Work is work for me, it's high responsibility and I need to concentrate.

By the time the work day is over and my kids have wanted a lift everywhere and it started raining on the washing and the dog has been sick etc etc, I've had to focus and refocus so many times I've often completely forgotten any mental notes I made earlier in the day. I may not realise until I go to text someone and see yours sitting there - it's read, so it's not jumping out at me.

It doesn't indicate a lack of care, I promise.., just too many balls in the air and not enough brain power to keep them all up.

ADisgruntledPelican · 01/02/2022 01:30

I genuinely don't understand why you think people have to reply in your timescale. I'm not an utility company. I've never made any commitment to reply to texts or emails within a certain time frame.
The fact that a mobile means people can be contactable 24/7 doesn't mean they are constantly available or that they want to be.
I actually think it's rude to expect to be able to impose on people whenever you feel like it and expect them to reply immediately or in an arbitrary timeline you've deemed appropriate.

Bussinbussin · 01/02/2022 01:31

To add, I do make time each day to check my message notifications and respond but unfortunately when a message has already been read it sometimes slips through the cracks.

MidnightMeltdown · 01/02/2022 02:19

Have to say, I really hate texting. If a friend has a problem then I'm happy to meet or chat on the phone, but texting is something that I find annoying and time consuming. A lot of people spend long hours sitting in front of a computer screen at work, and it's just the last thing that they want in their free time.

Tbh, if it's someone that I rarely get a text from then I would probably take more notice, but if it's someone who texts a lot (as in, starting a conversation more than once a week) then I would probably find it pretty irritating.

I only really want to receive a text if it's about making arrangements to meet up or speak on the phone.

MidnightMeltdown · 01/02/2022 02:37

You say that you don't bombard them with messages, but this suggests otherwise:

....they just don't reply to texts! Chstty ones, gossipy ones, serious ones.

What might not seem like a lot of messages to you, probably is a lot to someone who isn't into texting.

I guess it's different personality types, but to me, people who text all the time come across as needy and attention seeking. It's a bit like the boy who cried wolf. If you text all the time then they're less likely to pay attention when it is actually something important.

GiantHaystacks2021 · 01/02/2022 03:01

I reward inconsistency and thoughtlessness with unavailability.
All info is no longer shared.

Nidan2Sandan · 01/02/2022 03:04

It bugs me too OP. I find it hard to believe that no one, even non texters, super busy ball jugglers, cant find 30 seconds to text "sorry to hear that, shall I call you/meet you on xxxxx to chat?"

It doesn't require war & peace, and seriously adults who are NT find texting draining? Really? Sounds like excuses to me.

6 days is "I dont give a shit about you" territory. It's like people who have a baby & are suddenly incapable of texting. Absurd.

Londonlassy · 01/02/2022 03:12

OP. Is every phone call, message, or meet up about you struggling or low moods? I had a friend like this and I realised my response timeframes to their communication was getting more delayed simple because I didn’t have the emotional strength to deal with their baggage anymore. I had to prioritise my own mental health

grapewine · 01/02/2022 03:32

@LeQuern

I often don’t reply to long texts - it becomes a conversation back and forth and that requires time, commitment and energy that I may have have at that particular time.

If a friend texts me saying they are having a hard time, I arrange a mutually convenient time to chat in person or on the phone.

Expecting people to be glued to their phones whilst they are getting on with their day is unreasonable and, for me, too demanding.

This is me. I don't want to have conversations on text. I find it exhausting.
CuntAmongstThePigeons · 01/02/2022 03:58

Another one who hates texting, but will happily chat for hours on the phone.

Have to agree with the boy who cried wolf ref earlier. If you text constantly it means I'm less likely to respond.

Also that its "selfish" and takes 30secs. Well no actually, it doesn't. It takes the minute to read it, the couple of minutes to respond, then get distracted, then start responding again, then rewrite, oh distracted again, rinse and repeat. One text ends up taking half an hour out of my day, and stressing me out, which then makes my ability to do my actual job far worse. If 10 friends message in one day, which is not unlikely, thats 5 hours out of my day dealing with it.

I'm not sure if that answers your question OP but from my experience there is no correlation between how close I am with someone and how often we text.

chardonm · 01/02/2022 04:03

They are just not a good friend. If they are shit at texting they could just call you instead, come visit you, send a letter, whatever they are not "shit at".

ToJabOrNotToJab · 01/02/2022 04:22

@Bussinbussin

I have ADHD and my object permanence is non-existent so as soon as the notification has disappeared, it's out of my head. Or sometimes I'm on my phone scrolling through social media or playing a game, I'll see a text pop up at the top of the screen and I just can't face getting into a back and forth of typing so I won't open the app until I'm ready to engage. Then, of course, I totally forget about it until days later and I feel awful about it. Or I construct a reply in my head and forget that I didn't actually send anything.

I haven't been diagnosed, but this is me to a T too.

If I got a message like yours I'd want to make sure I had the time and headspace to respond properly, as I'd expect it to turn into a back and forth conversation. Work is work for me, it's high responsibility and I need to concentrate.

By the time the work day is over and my kids have wanted a lift everywhere and it started raining on the washing and the dog has been sick etc etc, I've had to focus and refocus so many times I've often completely forgotten any mental notes I made earlier in the day. I may not realise until I go to text someone and see yours sitting there - it's read, so it's not jumping out at me.

It doesn't indicate a lack of care, I promise.., just too many balls in the air and not enough brain power to keep them all up.

I don't have a diagnosis of adhd (although I'm starting to wonder) but this perfectly describes me too. I'm exhausted at the moment and recently bereaved, so very much lacking in emotional energy. I really do care about my friends and their problems, I just find it very difficult to have the energy to respond appropriately straight away. As an example, several people have said they'd like to meet up when I'm ready, and I'd love to but I'm not ready. I'm worried that by the time I am, they'll have written me off as I 'haven't bothered' with them Sad
rrhuth · 01/02/2022 04:25

I dislike texting, but I would have tried to call you if you were a good friend.

In general though I think sending long, complicated and emotionally intense texts is a bit unreasonable tbh, as you are dumping onto friends.

SelkieQualia · 01/02/2022 04:32

@chardonm

They are just not a good friend. If they are shit at texting they could just call you instead, come visit you, send a letter, whatever they are not "shit at".
Another ADHDer here - this still requires me to remember the text and plan these actions.
Lampshading · 01/02/2022 04:37

It depends for me, if its just general chit chat I'll respond later if I'm busy or phone later- if it was someone saying they were struggling if I couldn't talk as at work or something I'd try and make plans to call later or message later. The thing is that one message often leads to a conversation which is obviously fine, but if you are in the middle of something it gets really tiresome. I wouldn't judge how much someone cares just as to whether they responded to a text or not, mainly as everyone feels differently about texting.

Wineandshine · 01/02/2022 05:03

I’m one of those who is terrible at replying but it’s not because I don’t care. I have to prioritise. I get 15 minutes if that each day to reply/call people and if a friend was having a hard time then I would try and reply. Just recently though I’ve had two good friends lose parents, another friend whose husband has been seriously unwell, poorly children and big milestone birthdays and arrangements to be made to stay with family. All in two weeks. I can’t physically reply to everyone. I have to prioritise. I would never judge my friends by the timeline in which they reply. Same goes for meeting up. For by bereaved friends, we can’t meet up due to prior commitments and they are busy with arrangements. Maybe this makes me a terrible friend? But when I’m on my phone, I’m not interacting with my children or my husband. I’m sorry you are having a hard time but maybe your friend is too? Maybe she has things going on in her life that she hasn’t told you about because you are having a hard time. Why don’t you call her and arrange a coffee or invite her over? Her timeline is different to yours.

sweetbellyhigh · 01/02/2022 05:48

You will only upset yourself by assuming they don't care.

You cannot control the timing with which other people respond so perhaps just stick to the friends who respond in like and bypass the others?

ViceLikeBlip · 01/02/2022 05:55

The problem is, if I reply to you, then you'll ping another a reply straight back at me, and then I'll have to deal with that. So replying to your text doesn't cross anything off my list!

(I find replying to messages randomly stressful. Like, sometimes I do it straight away but other times I just can't do it, because it takes too much social energy to say the right thing I guess)

Bogeyes · 01/02/2022 06:00

I have a friend who constantly does this. I stopped texting them...now I realise they are more of an acquaintance....not much contact these days

MiddleParking · 01/02/2022 06:00

Well, yes, of course you ‘have to just accept being ignored’ - what’s the alternative? You can’t force a response from her. Complaining about no response to a long text about “having a shit time and struggling” sounds a bit odd - I would understand your point of view a bit more if you had posted “I texted my friend that I’d suffered a bereavement/lost my job etc and she didn’t respond”. I’m assuming nothing like that is the case or you would be making a more specific complaint. Without any proper context it sort of reads like you cooked up some drama to test her and you don’t like the result you got.

Londonlassy · 01/02/2022 06:20

@rrhuth

I dislike texting, but I would have tried to call you if you were a good friend.

In general though I think sending long, complicated and emotionally intense texts is a bit unreasonable tbh, as you are dumping onto friends.

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