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Original poster

My friend has just discovered her husbands 10 year affair

274 replies

Disname · 19/11/2021 19:45

10 years….

They’ve been married for 16. Im in shock, have spent the week supporting her but I just need somewhere to say WTF WTF WTF.

I honestly would never never never have believed it. He adores her, they are one of the happiest couples i know, she said herself they’ve never argued - it’s a running joke in our friendship group.

Im in shock. I did tell her I was going to post here but assured her there wouldn’t be identifiable details.

I just cannot believe it

OP posts:
Fluff3 · 20/11/2021 21:01

Im so sorry for your friend, I really hooe she has enough support and she takes this scum bag for all he has. Of course he was happy, he had the best of both worlds, a wife and a mistress. As for the ow, what a horrible person she must be. Why do women think its ok to sleep with married men ?. What is wrong with them ? Hope everything turns out ok for your friend.

TheCatWearsPrada · 20/11/2021 21:05

Your poor friend must be in pieces but why are you posting? If i was opening up to a friend and looking for support i wouldn't be happy about them running off to mumsnet with all the details, i'd probably end the friendship

AnFiadhRua · 20/11/2021 21:08

I agree with @MsDogLady, the OP may have been happy these last ten years but she was constructing her life on the basis of information that was not true. I would not be able to LOOK at him. So it'd have to be over.

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Relationship problems
AnFiadhRua · 20/11/2021 21:08

op's friend I mean, sorry.

HopelesslyOptimistic · 20/11/2021 21:19

Were any of their close circle of friends aware?

DaisyStiener · 20/11/2021 21:20

Sorry to OPs pal. Hopefully she doesn’t “feel to old “ to start over and that “DH” is minted and away to loose half his wages. Prick.
OW what are you all thinking ? As if men aren’t bad enough without US letting the side down Angry
Thank god it’s wasn’t another year she wanted ( albeit unknowingly)

Bless Flowers

Redlake · 20/11/2021 21:41

@fetchacloth

Poor lady I feel so sorry for her.😢 Honestly she's better off without him.
Yep. Don't get sad. Get even.
CantThinkOfANewPassword · 20/11/2021 21:47

OP I am so sorry for your friend. I’m really glad she has you.

I was floored when I read this as my mum is in the same position and I’ve wanted to post so many times recently. My mum found out during lockdown that my dad has been leading a double life with another woman for pretty much my whole life, as they met when I was a baby. I’m in my late 30’s. My mum had a breakdown, especially as they live abroad and she discovered all this while being unable to travel, isolated from everyone else and having to stay at home with my dad. My mum is not leaving my dad and is staying with him, and my 3 siblings and I are struggling to maintain a relationship with her although we are trying as she is now so fragile. I find it so hard to fathom how little self respect you have to have stay with someone who has made a mockery of your life. Of our lives. But she is utterly dependent on him. She uses excuses likes she just wants to enjoy her final years before she dies and that if she left and came to live with any of us she would be miserable and make our homes unhappy. My dad has decided that his approach is to say that he can’t change the past and that they have to focus on the future now. Gaslighting till the last. If my mum hadn’t found out he’d have done it his whole life. I feel so utterly betrayed by what my dad has done and the devastation he has caused.

I really hope that your friend has the strength to leave.

WeeTattieBogle · 20/11/2021 21:48

@TheWernethWife

You only have to look at Charles and Camilla to know that. They're swanning around the Middle East on a Royal Tour. Diana is dead 24 years.

So bloody true. According to the Daily Mail she said she and Charles still have "snap in their celery". Ghastly woman.

I saw a photo of Camilla today and one side of her mouth was suggestive of her having had a stroke at some stage.
Lampzade · 20/11/2021 21:51

@CantThinkOfANewPassword

OP I am so sorry for your friend. I’m really glad she has you.

I was floored when I read this as my mum is in the same position and I’ve wanted to post so many times recently. My mum found out during lockdown that my dad has been leading a double life with another woman for pretty much my whole life, as they met when I was a baby. I’m in my late 30’s. My mum had a breakdown, especially as they live abroad and she discovered all this while being unable to travel, isolated from everyone else and having to stay at home with my dad. My mum is not leaving my dad and is staying with him, and my 3 siblings and I are struggling to maintain a relationship with her although we are trying as she is now so fragile. I find it so hard to fathom how little self respect you have to have stay with someone who has made a mockery of your life. Of our lives. But she is utterly dependent on him. She uses excuses likes she just wants to enjoy her final years before she dies and that if she left and came to live with any of us she would be miserable and make our homes unhappy. My dad has decided that his approach is to say that he can’t change the past and that they have to focus on the future now. Gaslighting till the last. If my mum hadn’t found out he’d have done it his whole life. I feel so utterly betrayed by what my dad has done and the devastation he has caused.

I really hope that your friend has the strength to leave.

That is bloody awful. What is wrong with these people who lead a double life for so many years? Hope you don’t mind me asking, but did your mother ever have an inkling that something untoward was happening ?
colditalianpizza · 20/11/2021 21:53

@logsonlogsoff

Ouch. That has to sting. It’s one thing loving 2 people, but the deception for that amount of time is something else.
It's not loving 2 people. It's being a narcissist/sociopath and only really loving themselves.

You can't love someone by betraying them continuously

Wonesy · 20/11/2021 21:55

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JacquelineCarlyle · 20/11/2021 21:58

ODFOD

3scape · 20/11/2021 21:59

When it's years like that the cheated on partner is one of the last to know. So many cheats surround themselves with other liars and cheats. Rather than true friends who would call out that kind of shit. I hate on here when you see all the cheaters queuing up to tell the poster to stick it out or give them another chance. Only a cheat could back up that kind of behaviour.

Wonesy · 20/11/2021 21:59

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WhereYouLeftIt · 20/11/2021 22:04

Have only read your posts, OP Sad.

"He adores her"
He really doesn'tSad. He adores the (false) image of being in a happy marriage. He adores the thrill of running two separate lives. He adores being in control.

He adores himself.

I am so sorry for your friend. He has turned the last 10 years of her life into a total lie. What. A. Shit.

Zilla1 · 20/11/2021 22:06

Have heard a couple of times how much an unfaithful partner loved two women, just not enough to tell the DW and allow the DW to give consent to the arrangements, nor protect her health.

I did tell one cheater to be at work how unsuited I thought he was psychologically to what he was proposing when asked for an opinion, in addition to the other reasons why it wasn't a good idea but it didn't stop him, nor the slow crash that happened.

WhereYouLeftIt · 20/11/2021 22:06

@Wonesy

And to TBH why shouldnt I ? Had so much more affection from my younger secretaty so why wouldnt I feel flattered? and it turned to love. I adored her.
Oh, fuck off you wanker.
Rainydayss · 20/11/2021 22:10

My ex definitely not a 'DH'. Lived a double life for 6 years. I found out after we split up (non related). Your friend will be analysing everything they did together over the last 10 years (I did)
Counselling helped, plus a nice rebound relationship, then a lovely genuine sincere man.
I don't think about it now, other than pity when he picks up the DC looking scruffy, with a dad bod and a new bald spot. She'll move on and feel smug one day, karma will kick in.
You sound like a lovely friend op

CantThinkOfANewPassword · 20/11/2021 22:11

@Lampzade

Unbeknownst to us, my mum knew that my dad had had an affair before I was born. I guess that’s why I’m finding it hard to understand her utter incomprehension at what has happened. He has done it before. He has always been such a dominant force in our family, although it has always seemed in a positive way, always priding himself on being a straight talker. It’s like his whole life and personality is a total sham.

Rainydayss · 20/11/2021 22:13

Definitely narcissistic and sociopath behaviour, the deception is beyond shocking

Wonesy · 20/11/2021 22:14

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Rainydayss · 20/11/2021 22:16

@Wonesy

I did it. I was with my wife for 20 years and fell in love with secretary , I really did love both but in differant ways.
Re-arrange these words.. end bell
lesleylol · 20/11/2021 22:19

Just awful beyond words. Loves two women indeed! He’s been having his cake and eating it. What a bastard. Your friend must be devastated. I hope she kicks him out and takes him to the cleaners.

Hertsgirl10 · 20/11/2021 22:21

What would her husband do if your friend said end this affair and we will get back together and try again? Would the OW be old news?