My friend has just discovered her husbands 10 year affair

[Disname]

10 years….

They’ve been married for 16. Im in shock, have spent the week supporting her but I just need somewhere to say WTF WTF WTF.

I honestly would never never never have believed it. He adores her, they are one of the happiest couples i know, she said herself they’ve never argued - it’s a running joke in our friendship group.

Im in shock. I did tell her I was going to post here but assured her there wouldn’t be identifiable details.

I just cannot believe it

Nospringchook not sure that is a good example to be fair. How did you manage to move forward so quickly from such betrayal apart from getting him to marry you? A man who had an affair for half your relationship. God he would have been out the door. Good luck to you and I hope for you that it doesnt happen again

This must have come as a tremendous blow to the woman in question. Yet, how did she not notice he was missing all that time over the course of 10 years? Did she not see hairs from the lover on her husband’s clothes, or get a whiff of some unfamiliar perfume?
I’d imagine a drop off in sex plus generally not communicating with each other as much as before, as well as enjoying each other’s company less than usual were also signs that could have been spotted.
I still feel bad for her and wish her well. She deserves better than to be with that wicked weasel of a man.

It does rather sound like she's making excuses for him, I must say.

Same thing happened to me last year. August bank holiday 2020, after a couple of years suspicion, I caught my bloke in an affair that had gone on nearly 5 years. After rage, rows and him drinking himself into a stupor for a few weeks, we actually, incredibly, worked through it. We have been together 12.5 years now, he’s been in the affair for 5 of our 11 or so years together when I caught him. We were married on December 21st 2020, and have moved past the affair. What to do is 100% your friend’s decision, no one can judge. If the relationship is worth saving, and they both want to, it can succeed - I’m living proof. Though I always said I’d leave his arse if he cheated, it’s not that simple. We are mid fifties, him 60 now, no kids, two dogs, nice home and financially doing ok.

Give over. You are not "living proof", your DH is already a proven liar with no morals. Hopefully he really is sorry and won't do it again but this all only came out last year. Time will tell I guess!

@StargazerAli

Just dreadful. I think the OW has the best part of the deal though - at least she doesn't have to live with the snake all the time and knew just what the situation was. It must be awful for his poor wife and to feel that her marriage has been a lie this whole time.

I agree - the other woman lived with the truth. It makes all the difference

@Decimator

This must have come as a tremendous blow to the woman in question. Yet, how did she not notice he was missing all that time over the course of 10 years? Did she not see hairs from the lover on her husband’s clothes, or get a whiff of some unfamiliar perfume? I’d imagine a drop off in sex plus generally not communicating with each other as much as before, as well as enjoying each other’s company less than usual were also signs that could have been spotted. I still feel bad for her and wish her well. She deserves better than to be with that wicked weasel of a man.

Often men having affairs don’t drop off sex with their wife at all.

And anyone who has worked with someone in the medical profession will tell you that it’s pretty common for work finish times to be completely random.

[quote CantThinkOfANewPassword]@Lampzade

Unbeknownst to us, my mum knew that my dad had had an affair before I was born. I guess that’s why I’m finding it hard to understand her utter incomprehension at what has happened. He has done it before. He has always been such a dominant force in our family, although it has always seemed in a positive way, always priding himself on being a straight talker. It’s like his whole life and personality is a total sham.[/quote]
It's the same with my (step) dad. I still love him and see him as my dad but the man he portrayed himself as being\who I thought he was doesn't exist and probably never has. He tricked my mom into moving to another city because his female "friend" who I am convinced was his mistress moved there, he then proceeded to cheat on my mom with men and women online which she forgave him for but then he eventually ended up leaving her for another woman who I am 99 percent certain he is cheating on. He didn't even bother telling my mom he was leaving, she found out after she was badly injured in bike biking accident. I began becoming suspicious of him when he was texting by her hospital bed and then left her drugged out standing in the middle of the kitchen floor claiming he had to go back to his out of town work but in reality he went back to his girlfriend who he was living with. I don't know how my mom has been able to cope with what he did. I haven't been able too and I wasn't the one who was betrayed, it has impacted me to the extent that I will never trust anyone ever again (I will definitely never fall in love) and no longer trust my judgement since I feel like I am very bad judge of character.

@msgreen

thank you
mathanxiety

One of my cousins… married for about 8 years with three children. His lovely wife went to meet him off the train one day after he’d been away for work. He got off the train with the woman he’d been having an affair with. Divorce ensued. His first wife was left with the kids, as was his mistress’s ex. They started spending time together and have now been happily married for about 3 decades. Cousin then shacked up with the mistress. Until one day - after about 10 years - he came home from a business trip to find she’d moved out and taken everything with her! I think she left him just enough crockery to eat off and some clothes. Karma, you’d think. We’d had very little contact with him after he and his wife had split, but then he met a lovely woman who he got engaged to. Lived with her for at least ten years, we saw a lot of them and all seemed happy. Kept wondering when the wedding would be…About four years ago she found out he was having yet another affair, with a woman they were friends with. Said woman had been to their house for dinner whilst this was going on and she hadn’t suspected a thing. Thankfully she’d moved in with him but kept her own house and rented it out so she could move out and get on with her life. He’s not had any Christmas cards from us since, but we’ve kept in touch with his ex fiancée and she gets invited to any family occasions. He’s over 60 now and has been a serial cheat since he was about 30. Handsome, charming, well educated, top executive with ski holidays, classic cars, big house, lots of money, no morals. Just can’t keep it in his trousers and it’s awful for the women he’s hurt to the point of destruction.

Weeteeny

Sadly this so true! They do not change my father is in his 80s and is still sneaking about behind his 5 th life partners back having mutiple affairs . I think this time it is almost an arrangement because the writing was on the wall with all the wreckage with children he left behind. Funnily enough he gets this dysfunction from his mother who was always having lots of affairs but her children worshipped her. They are both what I would describe as narcissists literally they are number one in any relationship and these types just leave human wreckage without a strand of guilt of their actions and they literally rewrite history to live with themselves.
When you see the patterns repeating you can’t make excuses any longer. I finally just had to admit it was his choice to not care. It’s quite a hard one to come to terms with because the culprit is completely self deluded so again you are mute. I hope this lady finds an outlet for her grief

Lovely13

He sounds a right old mouldy peach. I would favour telling him to go stick his unedifying parts back into hers. Leave me alone. I have much better plans. And more importantly, get a good lawyer

I love how you have expressed this ! If only such clarity could be obtained at speed .

Both on the same page, sadly for that lady!

@msgreen Your post is heartbreaking. I was with my ex for 27 years. Find people and support who understand your situation. You get a lot of queries about your sex life. How could you not notice. It's unhelpful and hurtful. I found runaway husbands Facebook group supportive. It's not grief. It's trauma. You will get through this.

@ulez

I’ve never met a couple that don’t argue where one or both of them is not completely dysfunctional (hiding a multitude of sins). Sorry. Not arguing is a red flag. I hope your friend finds peace.

What Ulez? Are you really that narrow minded that this statement makes sense to you? That you can make such a broad statement that apparently covers every relationship.

Married for 15 years, and we never argue, we communicate about any issues that come up, but we never have the need to yell at each other. No double lives or secret sins involved on either side.

Prior to this I was married for 10 years and was miserable, we argued all the time, my DH had the same issues in his previous relationship. We knew that that's not what we wanted moving forward, I would rather have been single forever than live like that again.

I don't know where to laugh or shake my head at the ignorance of your post.

If you understand what you feel and why you feel it and know what can be changed, what must be accepted and communicate that directly then there can be no arguments. I never argued with my most recent boyfriend because he was emotionally intelligent and direct with good boundaries but conscious of my boundaries.
It takes two though.

My parents! Not a relationship but they shut me down, decide there will be no communication, havent the awareness to understand that they are stonewalling me, they judge me for having a reaction to their stonewalling.

My parents never allow a dissenting voice. Instant shut down. Instant stonewalling. They "prefer not to argue".

Now that is what's unhealthy

That’s what happened in my experience of catching my other half.

Oh @msgreen what a shock for you. You sound strong and will get through this.

Maybe that’s how relationship works.

She was happy, he was happy. Only issue is the truth, but really…if everything was working for ten years…and they were both getting what they needed. Is it really that big an issue?

@rtruth

I would say cheating on your wife for 10 years is a big issue yes. You said that they both were getting what they needed whilst completely forgetting that their is a third person who didn't even get a choice let alone their needs met. That's the problem.

To the ops friend, my thoughts are with you. Infidelity can be so hurtful and damaging and you must feel so awful. Get lots of rest, try and eat and lean on your friends and family. You will survive this, even if it doesn't feel good now.

To the op, keep being a loving friend and don't forget to take care of yourself too, so you can take care of your friend.

As for the husband, I hope his dick drops off.

My Dad was a cheat - I grew up thinking that it must be very hard to be married and stay faithful.

I have been with dh for nearly 20 years and haven't cheated once. We are both absolutely knackered, raising three kids, three dogs, working, house renovations, trying to squeeze in hobbies, holidays, food shopping, admin...we hardly stop long enough to think about sex with each other, let alone someone else.

These philanders must be the laziest bastards known to man. I bet op's friend shouldered all the housework, admin and cooking while he put all his energy into the ow.

I am another who hopes his dick drops off.

MrsBobDylan. Yes to the laziness. I imagined they must float about from household to household.🤷

Darling

You sum my situation up perfectly . My ExDH has an incredible ability to rewrite history and would be quite incredulous if I was to question the reasons for his actions. It would actually be a fascinating behaviour to observe if it were not so frightening.

Sadly he is now repeating this behaviour towards our youngest DC who he has treated badly, and yet he can somehow justify his actions in his head and nothing could persuade him otherwise. 1000 people could tell him he is wrong and be horrified by his behaviour however in his head he is right.
Note my DC are safe and have recently ceased contact with their father , their own choice fully supported by myself and the eyes of the law due to his emotional abuse. Of course in his eyes this is not abuse, the rest of the world are wrong and he is entirely right.

This man sounds similar. He " fell in love with two women simple as that" . He seems to expect both women to just accept this and makes no apology , or have any consideration of the impact on either party. Human wreckage as you say.
He will simply move on to others who will accept it. As did my xdh.
No good will come of staying with this man, I hope your friend realises this very soon.

[quote Disname]@Powertoyou - OW said to friend that husband had always been very clear he loved his wife and wouldn’t leave her, and OW was very clear she didn’t want him to leave wife.

I’m not seeing mate until tonight, I will pass on the lovely message about not feeling the last ten years were a lie[/quote]
Any updates to the current situation ?