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Original poster

My friend has just discovered her husbands 10 year affair

274 replies

Disname · 19/11/2021 19:45

10 years….

They’ve been married for 16. Im in shock, have spent the week supporting her but I just need somewhere to say WTF WTF WTF.

I honestly would never never never have believed it. He adores her, they are one of the happiest couples i know, she said herself they’ve never argued - it’s a running joke in our friendship group.

Im in shock. I did tell her I was going to post here but assured her there wouldn’t be identifiable details.

I just cannot believe it

OP posts:
LoisLane66 · 20/11/2021 17:38

He's got what he thinks is the best of both worlds, cake n eat it. No wonder he 'adores' her. That keeps her sweet whilst he plays another tune on his second fiddle.
Men? Ha!

Suzanne999 · 20/11/2021 17:39

Unforgivable. I hope your friend hits him where it hurts and takes him for every penny possible.

Jeansandco · 20/11/2021 17:40

It happens my friend. He husband was always stroking her and looking after her we all thought he adored her then she found out he had been cheating for 5 years with someone she knew. He left …then came back and then finally left and moved in with the other woman. Messed my friends head up as well as their kids. It’s just such a betrayal for so long. Your poor friend I feel terribly sorry for her but I wouldn’t trust him as far as I could throw him. Doesn’t even sound like the other woman wants to live with him🙄 what a wanker.

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Bertiebiscuit · 20/11/2021 17:40

I feel so sorry for her - but stop being fooled by his act - he does NOT adore her, he is gaslighting her, lying and cheating, and mistreating another woman into the bargain, risking her mental and sexual health - support her 100 %to leave and divorce him, he is POS

Ariadneslostthread · 20/11/2021 17:44

This is awful, and I think , as big a shock as having a bereavemeant. Happened to me, but at least by other half fronted up , although I'd suspected something for a long time. Also happened to my (now) husband- wife had an idyllic life , horses, nice house, the works, she went off and had an affair. When my husband ( her ex) found out he threw her out of the house, she came back a week later and said if things didn't work with new man, could she come back !!!!. Obviously the answer was no, and her ex husband met me and we are very happy. But it's always the nice ones....the ones you don't suspect who are the worst.

MarvellousMonsters · 20/11/2021 17:49

[quote YukoandHiro]@EmmaGrundyForPM I'm fascinated why your friend would settle for half a life for 14 years... does she not really want a proper relationship for herself? Does she hold out a hope that one day he will leave his wife? [/quote]
I'd never be involved with a married man, but I can completely understand why you wouldn't want a full-time live-in partner. I'm very happily single, and I'd be happy in a low-key non-cohabiting relationship, but never want to live with a partner ever again.

YouWouldNotBelieve · 20/11/2021 17:50

It always amazes me how some cheaters can keep up the lie for so long

JustLyra · 20/11/2021 17:55

My friend was unwittingly the OW for over a 18 months a while back. These men are utter utter shits.

He had a flat near his job. Lived there Mon-Fri and almost half the weekends. Went back to his hometown EOW to stay with his mother and spend time with his kids. In the holidays he spent more time there and sometimes had the kids at his flat.

Friend met him in a pub. They dated, he came on nights out with her friends, even came on holiday with us all for a week, had her on social media, introduced her to his friends, to his Mum and even his kids (though did tell the kids they were friends as it was very soon after they met, and there were other families around so it wasn't obvious they were a couple).

Sitting in a cafe a mutual friend went to add him on Facebook. Said to friend "There's two X's, which one is his" and friend realised that the dog in the other profile pic was his kids dog so clicked on it. Most of his posts were hidden, but she could see he'd very recently had a profile pic containing him, his wife and his children. Went looking and found the wife's profile, luckily for friend she had shit privacy settings and it was very, very clear that they were still very married. There was even a post from the wife gushing about how hard a time he was having as he'd had to be away for work for longer than usual.

He tried to defend it by saying he loved them both as well.

HesperusWreck · 20/11/2021 17:56

I agree it's very self centred to think you are keeping someone "happy" by lying to them.
You are playing a deceitful role and too scared to present the true situation for fear of something, rejection?
After all if it's so sensible why not put everyone in the picture and gain consent for the marvellous solution you've discovered to the conundrum that is marriage?!
Yeah, thought not.Hmm

rubbleonthedoub · 20/11/2021 17:56

I would recommend the chump lady website.

It will help your friend

DameMaureen · 20/11/2021 17:57

Men like this disgust me . A work colleague of my ex H led a double life - he had a mistress who would travel with him when he travelled for work. He and his wife had a beautiful home , were very well off - the day he retired he came home and told her he was leaving . What a prick !

welliesarefuntowear · 20/11/2021 17:58

Everything that @MsDogLady said. Until it happens to you. You've no idea what it does to your mental health and your ability to recover and reconnect with the world around you. It's not grief. It's trauma pure and simple. You are with a man. Who you have chosen to trust implicitly. Who is having a sexual relationship with you. And you realise that your consent has been taken away to take part in a monogamous relationship. They have bought someone else into the most intimate part of your life without your knowledge. I think a one night stand. Some short lived stupidity is understandable. But this level of deceit. It will change you forever. You never recover.

LoisLane66 · 20/11/2021 17:59

Some religions have different views on having more than one partner/ wife and it's normal...to them. Maybe this man was one of them.

TheChosenTwo · 20/11/2021 18:05

My stepdad did this.
My mum came home from work to find he had cleared all his stuff out of the house to scarper and live with a colleague of my mums who he had been seeing for 5 years Shock
In his note he asked my mum to explain to their 7 year old daughter that he was working away for a while.
A note. A fucking note.
No one ever heard from him again. I did find out that he had had a vasectomy reversal and has fathered 3 more children. I hope he treated them better than his firstborn.
Sad fuck.
Sorry to hear about your friend op, some humans are just not worth any oxygen. Disgusting behaviour.
Affairs ruin lives. No matter how long they go on for.

Tiaptia85 · 20/11/2021 18:06

get your friend a professional help

fatchilli123 · 20/11/2021 18:07

Says it right there....ow doesn't want him to leave his wife . Selfish bitch wants it all. He's a weasel . You friend needs to dump his arse pronto .that is not love :'-(

LaBellaTrix · 20/11/2021 18:11

I've never understood how people leading a double life manage events like Christmas and summer holidays and visits to relatives.

HesperusWreck · 20/11/2021 18:18

My guess is they aren't the ones slogging away at hosting.Wink

TheViewFromTheCheapSeats · 20/11/2021 18:18

My Grandad did this. An ‘affair’ from his 30a until his 60s when he divorced my Nan and moved in with the OW.

KarenTheGammonRemoaner · 20/11/2021 18:21

@MrsIPFreely

He doesn't adore her. He's a liar and a cheat. I hope your friend has lots of support.
I've heard it said many times 'arguing shows you care' Was he invested? Or was he just enjoying a nice, neutral time at home?
Zipper666 · 20/11/2021 18:23

Here's a man's perspective:
As a "happily married man" he's probably flirted with the OW and she has reacted by being ready to be intimate, since [sadly] we tend to be guided by our lusts instead of our intelligence, he initiated what he thought would be a one-off quicky".
Unusually, she seems to be content to be merely the OW with no commitments on either side. For the man this is nirvana. extra sex on the side, I wonder if he shared his satisfaction with male friends?
Over a ten year span he obviously had a regular schedule to enjoy the benefits of the affair without disturbing his apparently happy marriage.
I suspect, that had his wife NOT chanced to see him that day, she would be blissfully unaware and he would continue his dalliance indefinitely.

Pandagirl71 · 20/11/2021 18:28

Oh my word- what a complete waste of time he is. I hope your friend has the strength to tell him to f**k off...OW is welcome to him - I hope she bins him too.

Keils1 · 20/11/2021 18:30

There’s no going back from knowing this in my opinion.
This happened to a friend of mine a few years ago. She tried to forgive but couldn’t. He now has no contact with his children (their choice as grown up) and doesn’t even know he has grandchildren. He was willing to risk everything. Why should he think he can have his cake and eat it?
I’m sure that your friend will make the right decision once she’s processed everything.
She will be happier on her own rather than with someone who thinks so little of her he can lead a double life. Its not a “fling, one night stand, silly drunken mistake” it’s major deceit and I would not want someone like that in my life. He deserves all he gets.

Ellie56 · 20/11/2021 18:32

What a lying cheating scumbag. Tell her to tell him he has made her very unhappy now and she is dumping him.

VillageOf8 · 20/11/2021 18:36

I'm so sorry for your friend. How horrible that he did that to her. And how horrible the OW knew about the wife this entire time. Why are some women happy with being the OW? Why wouldn't (general) you want to be someone's one and only? Women should stick together, not do things to hurt other women. Of course husband is more wrong tho because he's the one committed to your friend.

I truly hope your friend is able to leave this guy after such a betrayal. I hope she can find the strength to divorce him and let him be with the woman who he lied about and built a whole other life with. Imo, infidelity just can't be forgiven. Once you break my trust and lie to me and sleep with another woman, I'll never believe anything you say ever again.