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Original poster

My friend has just discovered her husbands 10 year affair

274 replies

Disname · 19/11/2021 19:45

10 years….

They’ve been married for 16. Im in shock, have spent the week supporting her but I just need somewhere to say WTF WTF WTF.

I honestly would never never never have believed it. He adores her, they are one of the happiest couples i know, she said herself they’ve never argued - it’s a running joke in our friendship group.

Im in shock. I did tell her I was going to post here but assured her there wouldn’t be identifiable details.

I just cannot believe it

OP posts:
Bluebelle100 · 20/11/2021 18:39

Having his cake and eating it, I hope your friend calls it a day and can move forward. It's hard supporting someone who is going through this so well done you for supporting her.

Cameleongirl · 20/11/2021 18:44

@Zipper666. Oh I completely get it as a married women too. I’ve had opportunities to start affairs during my 20-year marriage and it would definitely be fun to have a no commitments relationship on the side.
I know DH has had opportunities too.

But you don’t act on it if you love and respect your partner. That’s what it boils down to, IMO.

Greenshed · 20/11/2021 18:46

Talk about wanting his cake and eating it. It’s a betrayal. How awful.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

Relationship problems
Helpimfalling · 20/11/2021 18:46

@rubbleonthedoub

I would recommend the chump lady website.

It will help your friend

Yes someone recommended it to me here many years back when I was going through the same thing!
Greenshed · 20/11/2021 18:47

Sorry Bluebell100. I’d not read your post before I posted - repeating some of what you said.

Yogalola · 20/11/2021 18:48

He obviously loves sneaking around , and that’s how he gets his kicks. Once they’ve had one affair they will always continue, so hard as it seems your friends is better off without him.
From one who knows

Callipygion · 20/11/2021 18:49

Same thing happened to someone I knew. No-one could believe it of him. They separated, he didn’t want to be with other woman, then they tried to give their marriage another go. Seemed very lovey-dovey but it turned my stomach. Then she found out he was at it again with someone else! Divorced now.

JustLyra · 20/11/2021 18:50

@LoisLane66

Some religions have different views on having more than one partner/ wife and it's normal...to them. Maybe this man was one of them.
If that was the case his wife likely wouldn't be heartbroken or surprised finding it out years down the line as she'd have known from the beginning that was his religious belief.

He also wouldn't have used the "loved them both" excuse.

LitCrit · 20/11/2021 18:51

The point is, he didn't give her the choice.

BooneyBeautiful · 20/11/2021 18:55

@caringcarer

Your poor friend, just before Xmas too. What a lying toad he is. She needs to get rid of him and make him pay financially. He has taken 10 years of her life she can never get back. She is lucky she has supportive friends.
This.
LadyEloise1 · 20/11/2021 18:56

That is so awful for your friend, OP.
Thank good she spotted him.

@YouokHun - "....Proof there is no karma"

You only have to look at Charles and Camilla to know that. They're swanning around the Middle East on a Royal Tour. Diana is dead 24 years.

Zilla1 · 20/11/2021 19:18

Of the three, I wonder why it was only your friend who wasn't given the opportunity to consent for all those years, once her DP and OW fell in love?

uneffingbelievable · 20/11/2021 19:21

OP - just be there for your friend. No slagging him off or the OW - just listen.

Your friend probably still loves him at the moment and all the happy times she will remember and then the realisation it was bollocks and your definition of happy ahs just been blow out the window.

Talking to my now EX at the time when I found out after 12 yrs of marriage was like he blanked out what we did together in his head. He even said to me - you now when I visited x country ( my country) I had such a great time found this little beer cafe etc etc - ut was like i was never there - it was my bloody hone town.

Has taken me 10 yrs to process the fall out of his and her actions and the effect on my confidence, self belief, to think I might be desirable to anyone etc and for a long time i still remembered happy times which screwed my head again.

Just be a good non judgemental friend

fetchacloth · 20/11/2021 19:36

Poor lady I feel so sorry for her.😢
Honestly she's better off without him.

TurquoiseDragon · 20/11/2021 19:45

@HeartsAndClubs

But first and foremost a locksmith to change all he locks on the house so the bastard can't get back in legally she cannot change the locks as they’re married. Even if the house was in her name only it’s a marital asset

If she wants to divorce him then she needs to see a solicitor. But as they’re married and have been for a significant amount of time and have no children it’s likely to be a 50/50 split of assets.

Unless one can afford to buy the other out of the house I would imagine it will have to be sold.

Nothing stopping her putting bolts on the door for security...
TheWernethWife · 20/11/2021 19:48

You only have to look at Charles and Camilla to know that. They're swanning around the Middle East on a Royal Tour. Diana is dead 24 years.

So bloody true. According to the Daily Mail she said she and Charles still have "snap in their celery". Ghastly woman.

ToniHargis · 20/11/2021 19:50

Wow. I mean, falling in love with someone else? It happens, but at some point you think "This is going to get really complicated" - and to keep that up for ten years? That just shows someone's living in la-la land. It's bizarre, and of course, how could she ever trust him again? The fact that the husband and the OW were in on it? How humiliating.

VillageOf8 · 20/11/2021 20:01

The part that's really messed up IMO is that he led his wife on for so long. When I got married to my husband, I told him that if he ever falls in love with another woman, please just give me the respect to tell me. Don't lead me on for years and make me think he's been faithful to me. Honestly, I think that's worse than the actual sex part of the cheating. Like, you didn't even love me enough to tell me you don't want me anymore? You led me on and toyed with my feelings for all these years? That right there would make me lose all desire to work it out. It's worse than a one night stand type of cheating.

Celestine70 · 20/11/2021 20:02

Ugh, hope she divorces him. He is not the person she thought he was however he tries to spin it. Just thought he could have his cake and eat it.

HeartsAndClubs · 20/11/2021 20:08

Nothing stopping her putting bolts on the door for security... and there’s nothing to stop him breaking in which legally he is perfectly entitled to do.

People seriously need to stop giving out this kind of advice.She doesn’t have any more right to stay in the house than he does. It’s the marital home which means they have equal rights there and he is perfectly at liberty even to move back in should he so wish.

People advising OP’s to change locks and put bolts on doors etc are potentially causing a lot of legal trouble for the OP’s in these situations.

flashy44 · 20/11/2021 20:19

What an utter tool he is having his cake and eating it,the Ow is a knob too ,no sisterhood there,how dare she have an affair with this man knowing he was married and supposedly loved his wife.
My heart goes out to her she has wasted 10 years on this man and would have wasted many more had she not found him out by chance.
She could have also caught a STD,what a lying cheating rat.

Gilly12345 · 20/11/2021 20:25

He has fooled you all, not everyone are what they seem.

Susysue10 · 20/11/2021 20:38

Yet another shit of a man, totally selfish, self absorbed and disconnected from reality. My estranged husband still can't put his hand up and admit that he has not only physically and mentally abused not only me but his previous 2 wives!

whynotwhatknot · 20/11/2021 20:41

your poor friend op-how dare he say shes never been unhappy so whats the problem

gaslighting shit

Susysue10 · 20/11/2021 20:59

@Susysue10

Yet another shit of a man, totally selfish, self absorbed and disconnected from reality. My estranged husband still can't put his hand up and admit that he has not only physically and mentally abused not only me but his previous 2 wives!
Just to clarify, I had no idea that my ex had abused his other 2 wives until after he was charged with assault to injury on me