My friend has just discovered her husbands 10 year affair

[Disname]

10 years….

They’ve been married for 16. Im in shock, have spent the week supporting her but I just need somewhere to say WTF WTF WTF.

I honestly would never never never have believed it. He adores her, they are one of the happiest couples i know, she said herself they’ve never argued - it’s a running joke in our friendship group.

Im in shock. I did tell her I was going to post here but assured her there wouldn’t be identifiable details.

I just cannot believe it

So he's the only one who can make choices in their marriage, not very democratic is it?

Is she going to expose the pile of shit?

@Wonesy

I did it. I was with my wife for 20 years and fell in love with secretary , I really did love both but in differant ways.

Yeah I've found men who tend to be jealous of other guys tend to have morals like this.

Some sort of ugly complex.

Let your wife find a real man, it's time, she deserves it.

He sounds a right old mouldy peach. I would favour telling him to go stick his unedifying parts back into hers. Leave me alone. I have much better plans. And more importantly, get a good lawyer.

Why is it that some men think it ok to have two families in the go? If he is in a medical post that others trust and respect, someone should be telling his employer that he is a two timing loser. He might then find he actually only loves 1 woman....

@cameleongirl.
I agree. So, he was either incredibly discreet OR, there were signs that she didn't see or think were significant.
The OP is a friend, I wonder if some of her circle were aware and said nothing? That kind of thing can divide longtime friends into "his and hers".
He seems more than ready to start again as a bachelor and resume the extramarital affair without pause. I guess the wife could cite the OW in a divorce, why should she not feel the public pain?

I'd probably make it my mission to destroy his life, under those circumstances, the lying scum. You can be sure he'd be cut out of my life completely, for a start.

There is no excuse. Loved two women! Ha! That's not how to treat someone you love, and he knows it. He's just trying to save face and make himself feel better about his pathetic inability to maintain a monogamous relationship. Poor guy, what a hard time he's had, what with eating his cake and having it, too!

My exH cheated for the entirety of our marriage, with six different women. Three of them were his colleagues. I had met some of them. He told them I was mad and he was only with me for the sake of the DCs. I found this all out afterwards, of course. They are scum - at least two of the affairs where whilst I was pregnant or subsequently miscarrying, which they knew. I would imagine exH is a sociopath - the lies, the gaslighting, the inability to empathise with anyone or understand the wreckage he left behind. Our now adult DC despise him, despite his best efforts to brainwash them against me, and he is a lonely and sad figure. I just wish he had not let me spend ten years imagining I had one sort of life when actually I had a web of lies.

Same thing happened to me last year. August bank holiday 2020, after a couple of years suspicion, I caught my bloke in an affair that had gone on nearly 5 years. After rage, rows and him drinking himself into a stupor for a few weeks, we actually, incredibly, worked through it. We have been together 12.5 years now, he’s been in the affair for 5 of our 11 or so years together when I caught him. We were married on December 21st 2020, and have moved past the affair. What to do is 100% your friend’s decision, no one can judge. If the relationship is worth saving, and they both want to, it can succeed - I’m living proof. Though I always said I’d leave his arse if he cheated, it’s not that simple. We are mid fifties, him 60 now, no kids, two dogs, nice home and financially doing ok.

It is possible to love two people at the same time. Some of the posts on here are about clearly very sociopathic men who have gaslighted their wives. But it's not always like that. I am a married woman with a husband who has a very severe and progressive medical condition; I love him and look after him every day but we can't do anything together - not just sex but even going out, sitting down to eat, watching tv. I met another man in a very similar situation with his wife and for the last two years we have been supporting each other by message and phone call and in person very occasionally, because it's almost impossible, meeting up. I am devoted to caring for my husband and he is for his wife. We both have teenage kids and are responsible for them. But being able to talk to him and to feel loved and to have something to look forward to has really kept me going in an otherwise extremely difficult exhausting situation.

Wow it’s scary how easy some people find lying. Your poor friend.

@TimeToStop

It is possible to love two people at the same time. Some of the posts on here are about clearly very sociopathic men who have gaslighted their wives. But it's not always like that. I am a married woman with a husband who has a very severe and progressive medical condition; I love him and look after him every day but we can't do anything together - not just sex but even going out, sitting down to eat, watching tv. I met another man in a very similar situation with his wife and for the last two years we have been supporting each other by message and phone call and in person very occasionally, because it's almost impossible, meeting up. I am devoted to caring for my husband and he is for his wife. We both have teenage kids and are responsible for them. But being able to talk to him and to feel loved and to have something to look forward to has really kept me going in an otherwise extremely difficult exhausting situation.

I think this is a very different situation to the one being discussed here. Good luck to you Timetostop - you sound like two people making the best of a very difficult situation x

my ex had 2 babies with 2 different women, I only found out on a night out with friends, he was in a bar with a pregnant woman poured my drink over him and he scarpered fast, that was the end of that I didn't even give him a chance to " explain" obvs I was devastated

I am in exactly the same boat, only been together for 30 years
I found out three weeks ago .I was/am completely devastated he's been cheating for at least 7 years although i think now it maybe years longer , the barstard has been lying so much about every single thing for so long I had stopped noticing the changes .He's robbed me blind and taken my best years I am 60 next year
For instance he changed every thing to online banking and for years hadn't got around to showing me what where how. always to busy with work or to tired keeping everything in his study ,I realised when I found out about the cheating ,that over the past year I have been badgering him to sit down and go though all the banking and accounts etc as we have a pending huge house renovation and i wanted to check
the finances with him etc
Long story short he's been siphoning money off for years mostly mine ,a lot I am still uncovering the extent .
When I found out about the affair the barstard said oh its nothing only sex I have ended it anyway ,of course he hadn't .Lucky for me someone
spotted them together and took a picture of them together so I have proof. or I still would be in the dark .because he is such a liar I am sure he would of squirmed his way out of it .
He is claiming after all these years it was needing someone to talk to ! because he's thinking he's "dying , oh and he is having bad dreams " Jesus, he's saying he doesn't even know her surname or where she lives she's just an old tart !!! (wonder what he calls me)who was a bar maid then apparently there's a husband and some kids he has no idea how many etc etc
long and short he's out of control his own lies are driving him crazy .
The last couple weeks have been so traumatic
Our Poor daughter goes to uni next year ,for sure he was off with the cash and this woman who I now everything about because I hired someone to find out , They put a tracker on his car .and advised me to get a digital dictator phone , with voice activation and long life batteries (not legal for them to listen apparently all new to me)
I put velco on it and stuck it under his car seat as instructed .Sounds extreme and the listening is grim but OMG I had no idea who I have been living with for 30 years .its beyond belief I don't know if I will ever get over this.
I realised now I have been living and sharing my life with a Narcissist who has been bit by bit controlling every single aspect of my life.and like fool let him
I chucked him out yesterday he was still spinning such a pack of lies and in complete shock that I had found out .
he has taken control bit by bit of every part of my life ,
also was doing great job of isolating me ,I have just become used to it .
I live very rurally and had been trying to hid from my friends just how lonely I had become, my ex had even stopped the chit chat you have about life stuff I just hadn't realised , he was so "tired ' he was off to bed with his laptop every night at 8.45
Really every sign was there piles of them The mistake I made was I listened to what he was telling me instead of looking at his actions.
Not giving me the chance to start my life again sooner and putting our daughter though years of lies is cruel beyond belief ,he was hanging on for very drop of cash ,kidding himself I am sure he will justify to friends etc that it was for our daughters sake .
his last act .was to tell our daughter he would walk the dog at 8.00am
and come and say his goodbyes to her at 9am
he had already moved out all his stuff etc ,at 9 she was waiting by the door ,I slid off to the shed ,I just wanted her to have that goodbye without me around, I sat in the freezer cold shed for an hour ,when i walked back into her house he still hadn't come to see her I then saw him from upstairs loo window
lurking around behind the garage on the phone .
in that moment my blinkers came off completely .
The hell in all these situations is the love between the child and the cheater ,but I wish I had known and dumped him years ago
your friend will be ok she has you that's the best place to start the shock will subside as she talks and thinks slowly the light will come on
my ex is so charming friendly and liked by all .
but that's just one side , The other is Dark creul greedy moody has no empathy ,I spent 30 years with a con man

Oh @msgreen that is utterly horrific. I hope you have lawful recourse to reclaim the money. How is your daughter handling it? 💐

@Nospringchook

Same thing happened to me last year. August bank holiday 2020, after a couple of years suspicion, I caught my bloke in an affair that had gone on nearly 5 years. After rage, rows and him drinking himself into a stupor for a few weeks, we actually, incredibly, worked through it. We have been together 12.5 years now, he’s been in the affair for 5 of our 11 or so years together when I caught him. We were married on December 21st 2020, and have moved past the affair. What to do is 100% your friend’s decision, no one can judge. If the relationship is worth saving, and they both want to, it can succeed - I’m living proof. Though I always said I’d leave his arse if he cheated, it’s not that simple. We are mid fifties, him 60 now, no kids, two dogs, nice home and financially doing ok.

Are you living proof though, Nospringchook? You found him out on a five-year affair just over a year ago. Personally I would always be on edge waiting for him to start a new affair.

I think its about supporting your friend to make her decision as to what she wants to do. Save her "marriage" or leave. Depends on what she has and wants to keep I guess.
We know he's an ass so don't need to even consider him or his feelings. It's all about your friend. X

haven't read the whole thread.

my ex husband had an affair and left me for the affair partner.
The comment in your first post about them "never arguing" is a red flag to me. Relationships with absolutely no conflict can actually be very unhealthy.

@olivehater

Sorry thisbackwithavengence you did the same thing to another woman, use your youth as an excuse only seem to regret how it affected you at the end of it all. No sympathy. When I was young and single I had a few opportunities to get involved with married men. You know what I turned them down because I had morals and self respect and didn’t want to do that to another married woman. I didn’t use my youth as an excuse.

But when you're young you don't realise the possible repercussions or hurt it could cause to wife or possible children as you yourself are free. It's creepy of the mm, not her, who was young and naive.

The dh and ow here are as bad as each other. Leave them to it and watch them implode! 💥

@TheCatWearsPrada

Your poor friend must be in pieces but why are you posting? If i was opening up to a friend and looking for support i wouldn't be happy about them running off to mumsnet with all the details, i'd probably end the friendship

She's getting support for her in a confidential way, what are you on about??

"But when you're young you don't realise the possible repercussions or hurt it could cause to wife or possible children as you yourself are free..."

Really ? I mean really ?

Empathy. Conscience.

Someone who cheats neither likes or respects their partner. It would be simple for me. There was a post on here a few weeks ago about single women. Very positive about solo homes. Statistically men get remarried after a spilt, women don't. I would do a Lady Moon and cut off a sleeve on every suit and give his wine away.

He says he fell in love with two women “it’s as simple and as complicated as that”

Trying to romanticise an affair. Disgusting. Sounds like a creep. My skin is crawling

Oh, my heart is broken to hear this. I know only too well the devastation that affairs can have on a marriage.

What selfish, cruel behaviour those two have shown. Saying, "oh I loved two women equally" is selfish, cowardly behaviour.

When I found out my husband was having an affair (we are divorced now as the trust had gone) I spent hours and hours listening to music. I created playlists of songs I could really relate to and just sobbed my heart out, it was very healing.

It will take time to go through the steps of grief (and that is exactly what is happening here, as she will be mourning the loss of her relationship with her husband). But during this period she probably should not make any big decisions as they will be wholly emotionally motivated, and they may not be the best decisions for her.

Wishing your friend all the best, and a curse on her cheating husband and his bitchington of a lover.

@Hertsgirl10

What would her husband do if your friend said end this affair and we will get back together and try again? Would the OW be old news?

I think given the length of the affair, it would never last if this happened. For ten years this man has had both his wife and the OW. To go forward with only his wife would feel like a huge void had opened up. It would be different if the marriage had been lack lustre or had issues, and a short term affair was filling a temporary gap. Then it can be worked on and potentially survive. But this is a marriage that was good, but was still somehow not enough for him, and for a decade. I doubt his wife or the OW would have a lasting relationship with him as his sole partner, because if either were 'enough' he would probably have picked one by now.

Just dreadful. I think the OW has the best part of the deal though - at least she doesn't have to live with the snake all the time and knew just what the situation was. It must be awful for his poor wife and to feel that her marriage has been a lie this whole time.