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Original poster

My friend has just discovered her husbands 10 year affair

274 replies

Disname · 19/11/2021 19:45

10 years….

They’ve been married for 16. Im in shock, have spent the week supporting her but I just need somewhere to say WTF WTF WTF.

I honestly would never never never have believed it. He adores her, they are one of the happiest couples i know, she said herself they’ve never argued - it’s a running joke in our friendship group.

Im in shock. I did tell her I was going to post here but assured her there wouldn’t be identifiable details.

I just cannot believe it

OP posts:
Yourstupidityexhaustsme · 20/11/2021 09:41

Your poor friend.

It happened to a cousin recently, absolutely devastating for all involved (except him).

Very often it's the 'happiest' relationships that are the fakest. Of course they will be happy because he will be kind/agreeable/supportive etc to keep the boat steady. An unhappy wife may question his absences or his lack of interaction with the children.

I doubt this will be his first relationship.

As for what you can do? Really nothing, her world is destroyed and will taken a really long time to heal. Be an ear, offer food/supermarket bits in those early months, try and include her where you can this Christmas and be kind.

olivehater · 20/11/2021 09:42

Sorry thisbackwithavengence you did the same thing to another woman, use your youth as an excuse only seem to regret how it affected you at the end of it all. No sympathy.
When I was young and single I had a few opportunities to get involved with married men. You know what I turned them down because I had morals and self respect and didn’t want to do that to another married woman. I didn’t use my youth as an excuse.

EmmaGrundyForPM · 20/11/2021 09:59

[quote YukoandHiro]@EmmaGrundyForPM I'm fascinated why your friend would settle for half a life for 14 years... does she not really want a proper relationship for herself? Does she hold out a hope that one day he will leave his wife? [/quote]
She is very happy with her life. She gets all the "good" bits - lots of attention, dinners out, good sex. She never has to eat beans on toast with him whilst arguing about who should be putting the bins out.

She loves her independence and I don't think she would want him to leave his wife. They work together so she probably sees as much of him as his wife does.

It wouldn't be my choice, and I feel dreadfully sorry for his wife.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

Relationship problems
Livelovebehappy · 20/11/2021 10:06

That’s why I always say never smugly believe that because your partner showers you with love and attention, and you would never think he would do anything to hurt you, that he would never stray. They can change in a heart beat. I had the same situation, and my DH acted like a different person, with behaviour that I would never have thought him capable of. All you can do is be there for her. I don’t know how I would have got through it myself without support from family and friends.

Twoweekcruise · 20/11/2021 10:13

My previous next door neighbour was having an affair with a local married woman. He lived next to us for 12 years and she would go round several times a time week, had been for the whole 12 years. He moved to the next village and I’ve heard it’s still going on. Long term affairs are probably more common than we realise.

Pinksloth · 20/11/2021 10:13

[quote YukoandHiro]@EmmaGrundyForPM I'm fascinated why your friend would settle for half a life for 14 years... does she not really want a proper relationship for herself? Does she hold out a hope that one day he will leave his wife? [/quote]
A friend is in this situation. She didn't have much confidence, so became besotted with the guy and kind of believed she wasn't worthy of more (she didn't know he was in a relationship when they met).

I think he gets two different things from the women. The wife, I think probably keeps the home fires burning, brings up the kids, doesn't ask for much. My friend has a more fun relationship, and adores him, doesn't make too many demands.

Although it must be difficult to keep it secret, I can understand the benefits from his perspective.

WhatHoMarjorie · 20/11/2021 10:16

Ugh, what an arse. Epic betrayal that he tries to justify it by framing it as 'Poor me, I'm in love with two women. What a romantic quandary I'm in'.

There's no way I could ever forgive that.

As an aside, I never see it as a positive when couples proudly say that they never argue. Arguments are healthy and good.

BalladOfBarryAndFreda · 20/11/2021 10:32
Sad
Weeteeny · 20/11/2021 10:49

Similar happened to me, my xdh was apparently engaged to another woman for 6 years of our 11 year marriage. All the while presenting he was happy with me and our family. He was big on keeping up appearances .
His mask slipped however I confided in my family for support and he realised he could not gaslight me further by minimising his actions and justifying them matter if factly.

I think he ticks many boxes to be diagnosed a sociopath. He has an amazing ability to justify all his actions and an inability to have empathy or understanding or accept how his behavior impacts on others , even on his children.

It's sad to read how many men there are like this. I wish your friend the best, she will get through it.
7 years on for me now. I havebeen with a new partner for 5 years and he is the polar opposite of my xdh

I could write a book on the things he did and could totally justify very matter of fact my.

itsallgoingpearshaped · 20/11/2021 11:23

@MsDogLady

For 10 long years this man stole his Wife’s agency and consent, and put her health at risk. He determined that only he and OW were entitled to informed choices. His wants reigned supreme, while his Wife’s rights and dignity were beneath consideration. That is certainly not love.

If my Husband made such an utter mockery of me and our marriage, he would never again darken my door.

Disname, your Friend is blessed to have you by her side.

This, absolutely.

Your friend didn't get to make a decision if she was happy being in an 'open' relationship of sorts, but he and the OW did. Quite happily carrying on and seeing nothing wrong with it.

Utter arseholes.

LucentBlade · 20/11/2021 11:24

DH uncle had a six year affair, he worked overseas so a double life was easy for him. I had never liked him ever he was overly friendly in a bit of a creepy way always. His poor wife had a breakdown.

I don’t speak to my sister at all. She has been a married mans mistress for a decade. I haven’t spoken to her for 4 years now. One night she got drunk and started to go on about how nice he was I said he wasn’t and was a shit and doubt his wife would think he was nice if she knew what was happening. This man was very wealthy, I only know his first name but he used to be off overseas on genuine business trips but would take my sister along with him. He bought her a brand new car and used to buy all her clothes. Our other sister became extremely distressed when we were arguing. it was a turning point, the relationship deteriorated. We didn’t want to upset Mother but as soon as Mother died everyone cut her off. I’m one of five girls, one had cut her off years before, she openly called her a whore. I was the last to cut her off it was so hard, she is my little sister. I have lovely memories of us playing together and laughing about stuff as children. I miss her.

5128gap · 20/11/2021 11:25

People who run two long term relationships often do love both. I don't think its necessary to add to the OPs misery by insisting her H couldn't have loved her, its just projecion of personal feelings that you can't love two people on to this man. Its also conflating feeling the emotion of love with the behaving with decency, when they are not the same thing. The most evil people feel love. Not that it changes anything, because its obviously behaviour that matters.

5128gap · 20/11/2021 11:38

[quote Angliski]@5128gap why do that in secrecy though?[/quote]
I'm going sound like the champion of cheaters here, which I'm absolutely not, so its not a defence...but, sometimes they think its kinder not to leave the primary partner. They see themselves as tragically having met an amazing person whilst already married, but have what they see as too much loyalty and commitment to their spouse to up and leave. They think they can compartmentalise and no one needs to get hurt and everyone's a winner. And in fairness for 10 years thats exactly what happened here. The OP wasn't miserable until she found out.

JingsMahBucket · 20/11/2021 12:06

@5128gap just a small correction: it’s the OP’s friend, not the OP herself. Everything else, I agree with you. :)

5128gap · 20/11/2021 12:11

[quote JingsMahBucket]@5128gap just a small correction: it’s the OP’s friend, not the OP herself. Everything else, I agree with you. :)[/quote]
Apologies. It is indeed!

Newnameforabit · 20/11/2021 12:18

I'm glad she has you in her corner. Poor lady

Movinghouseatlast · 20/11/2021 12:30

My ex from many years ago had an affair for 11 years. He only got found out when his work found out- he was a Police Officer. He got sent to prison for Misconduct in Public Office as his other woman was someone he met whilst investigating a case.

I keep thinking about his poor wife, totally oblivious to all this until he was suspended.

ufucoffee · 20/11/2021 13:25

@5128gap

People who run two long term relationships often do love both. I don't think its necessary to add to the OPs misery by insisting her H couldn't have loved her, its just projecion of personal feelings that you can't love two people on to this man. Its also conflating feeling the emotion of love with the behaving with decency, when they are not the same thing. The most evil people feel love. Not that it changes anything, because its obviously behaviour that matters.
If you truly love someone you don't treat them badly. You are considerate of their feelings and don't want to do anything that would purposely hurt them. You don't tell lies about where you are. If you are shagging someone else there is no way you love your wife.
Stinkyslippers · 20/11/2021 13:43

I knew someone where the husband had a whole other life
She didn’t know but the ow did
Every time he got his wife pregnant,he’d get the ow up the duff too
They bought a house together,had 4 kids and thought they where happy
It turned out the husband would take the kids to his ‘friends’ house for play dates and the siblings would play together-not knowing they where half siblings
They also went on day trips together and trips to maccys while mum worked
Honest to god,you’d have thought he was the last bloke to do this
He trotted out the ‘it just happened’ and ‘I love you both’
She kicked him to the kerb but as she left their joint house with the kids,she’s lost a lot of money and the house

He really thought he could do a Gary sparrow (ovs same era) and everyone would just accept his needs!

5128gap · 20/11/2021 14:42

Its not as simple as that ufucoffee. Feeling love and acting badly are not mutually exclusive. We tend to love people because of how they treat us, not how we treat them. And a selfish deceitful person is just as likely to feel love for someone who is good to them as anyone else. The fact that the H is not faithful does not mske the OPs friend any less lovable to him.

YogaLite · 20/11/2021 14:52

I also see the attraction. Can't remember where I read or heard but people confuse marriage with love.

Marriage is a contract that gives stability, it's not a guarantee of love till end of time. Some are lucky to have both but not that many.

Just look at royalty and politicians.

Cameleongirl · 20/11/2021 16:47

have what they see as too much loyalty and commitment to their spouse to up and leave. They think they can compartmentalise and no one needs to get hurt and everyone's a winner.

@5128gap I understand what you're saying and there is a certain logic to it - but there's also a huge amount of arrogance, isn't there! The cheating spouse is assuming that their husband/wife will be completely devastated if they find out, life ruined, etc. Whereas it's quite possible that they'll be temporarily hurt and then move on, meet someone else, etc. In other words, they'll make a new life for themselves without the cheating spouse!

I think that's what the cheater doesn't want to consider, that their spouse could be happy without them!

THEDEACON · 20/11/2021 17:29

I hope she hands him his head in his hands to play with divorces him immediately and that all mutual friends dump him too

5128gap · 20/11/2021 17:37

@Cameleongirl

have what they see as too much loyalty and commitment to their spouse to up and leave. They think they can compartmentalise and no one needs to get hurt and everyone's a winner.

@5128gap I understand what you're saying and there is a certain logic to it - but there's also a huge amount of arrogance, isn't there! The cheating spouse is assuming that their husband/wife will be completely devastated if they find out, life ruined, etc. Whereas it's quite possible that they'll be temporarily hurt and then move on, meet someone else, etc. In other words, they'll make a new life for themselves without the cheating spouse!

I think that's what the cheater doesn't want to consider, that their spouse could be happy without them!

Absolutely. It is rooted in arrogance. But that tends to fit with the personality of a cheat because there's an arrogance about feeling entitled to pursue the new interest in the first place. As People have said earlier on here, you can be attracted to someone, but you can also put the brakes on before it goes too far. People who don't tend to think their happiness comes first, and that their situation is somehow unique and special.
mandajmo · 20/11/2021 17:38

An ex boss of mine was recently outed for having a 20+ affair with a girl who was in the same team as me. It was an open secret but none of us truly knew for sure. Anyway his wife who was a really lovely woman discovered this affair last year. She kicked him out, he loved in with OW whilst feeling all upset and sorry for himself. His grown up kids shunned him and supported their mother. Tragically, the wife developed a very aggressive illness and died earlier this year. His kids don't want to see him and are keeping his grandchildren away from him. All very sad for those concerned. I don't know how you live this lie or as the OW deal with your conscience. OW has never had children despite adoring her nieces and nephews, and that seems to be a sacrifice she made to be with him.