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Original poster

My friend has just discovered her husbands 10 year affair

274 replies

Disname · 19/11/2021 19:45

10 years….

They’ve been married for 16. Im in shock, have spent the week supporting her but I just need somewhere to say WTF WTF WTF.

I honestly would never never never have believed it. He adores her, they are one of the happiest couples i know, she said herself they’ve never argued - it’s a running joke in our friendship group.

Im in shock. I did tell her I was going to post here but assured her there wouldn’t be identifiable details.

I just cannot believe it

OP posts:
brambleon · 19/11/2021 20:18

How awful! I hope your friend is okay and getting support, this must be so difficult💐

thenewduchessofhastings · 19/11/2021 20:19

It makes you wonder how long it would have continued for doesn't it?;where would it have ended;would the OW have wanted children?;reading between the lines the OW isn't involved with someone else.

I agree with the sentiment that it's not even an affair anymore but a double life.

I think it's even more worrying that your friend and her DH had a extremely happy relationship and he seemingly adored her;if he can have an affair in a loving problem free relationship he's quite capable of doing again.He doesn't even seem remorseful and as for " I simply fell in love with OW","I didn't treat you badly" it's abit narcissistic.

Realistically even if your friend doesn't divorce him and decides to give things another go I think he and OW will gravitate back towards each other;they managed 10 years with your friend not suspected a thing;he can just as easily deceive her again

Justtobeclear · 19/11/2021 20:21

There’s not a strong enough word for what either of them have done you your poor friend. She must be torturing herself going through all of her life with him trying to piece it together. I hope she has a lot of love around her right now x

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Relationship problems
PearlSlaghoople · 19/11/2021 20:22

Oh my goodness, your poor friend!!
The shock must be shattering for her!!
Does the OW look like your friend at all? My friends DP had affair with another woman who was practically his partners double!!

(Why bother?🤷‍♀️)

Hope your mate rises well above this horrid pair and has a happy life.

powershowerforanhour · 19/11/2021 20:26

He says he fell in love with two women, “it’s as simple and complicated as that”.

Except he cheated on, and lied to, one of them for years and years and years

YukoandHiro · 19/11/2021 20:30

"Has he ever made her unhappy?" Yeah how about now, you fucking tool...

Men are just horrendous in their ability to rationalise and excuse their own moral depths.

mathanxiety · 19/11/2021 20:30

He is an arrogant asshole, who would not like it one bit if the tables were turned.

He denied his wife the vital information she needed to make an informed choice about sharing her husband with the OW, not to mention the flora and fauna of another woman's body.

Now she is no doubt feeling humiliated and as if her life was stolen from her, which it was. She won't get those ten years back.

Hope she will divorce, get therapy, and move on to far better things.

IncompleteSenten · 19/11/2021 20:30

He didn't love her enough to give her the respect and consideration she deserved and actually give her the information she needed to make an informed choice whether she wanted this life did he?

His treatment of her is not how you treat someone you love.

Ive never made you unhappy have I? Shock apart from fucking another woman for ten years, yeah?

rooarsome · 19/11/2021 20:31

Asked has he ever made her unhappy ffs!!!

Well she's certainly unhappy now! What a dick.

Rainbowqueeen · 19/11/2021 20:33

Utterly selfish.
And now he’s trying to justify it.

TurquoiseDragon · 19/11/2021 20:33

@Disname

He’s been completely open apparently. Hasn’t denied it at all or minimised.

She’s in shock.

He says he fell in love with two women, “it’s as simple and complicated as that”. The other woman knows about his wife, has never asked or wanted him to leave and still doesn’t!

A decent bloke would have recognised when he was getting too close to another woman. There's always a period of time at the start, before the sex (or even before an emotional affair) when people get to know each other. He could have easily taken a step back and recognised he was getting close and ended it.

He didn't. He wanted to carry on for his own gratification. So his airy "I fell in love with two women" is just a piece of self-serving bullshit. There's actually nothing complicated about it at all.

coolcahuna · 19/11/2021 20:35

My dad did this. Whole secret life for many many years. It's totally shocking . Even years on my mum hasn't really recovered from it yet.

Original poster
Disname · 19/11/2021 20:35

He’s in a profession where it is expected you won’t be home at a normal time with regular nights/weekends at work. Friend accepted that and has a life and job of her own.

OP posts:
settleforme · 19/11/2021 20:37

Is a a police officer?

HollowTalk · 19/11/2021 20:37

That must have been devastating for your friend. He took all her choices away from her didn't he?

AtillatheHun · 19/11/2021 20:45

Are you able to go and stay the night with her? Probably not great to leave her alone right now

Weeteeny · 19/11/2021 20:54

He justifies it by saying he loves two women. What utter shite . He doesn't love either women to treat them like that.
My exDH led a double life and was apparently engaged to another woman for 6 years during our marriage . His friends knew and she knew all about me . Nobody thought to tell me whilst he played happy families at home and was pregnant with my second DC during this time. So many unbelievable tbi gs that he did .
Irony is he told us both he loved us however was also shagging about on other mini affairs. Men like this do not change , he doesn't love your friend and horrible as it is she is as well knowing and seeing him for what he is.
I'm glad she has friends like yourself to support her . She will be in shock but she CAN get through this. I did xx

Telling someone outside the situation is the first step and she has done that x

WeeTattieBogle · 19/11/2021 20:55

@coolcahuna

My dad did this. Whole secret life for many many years. It's totally shocking . Even years on my mum hasn't really recovered from it yet.
Speaking from personal experience I think it’s almost impossible for a family to get over a husband/father leading a double life even if they can go onto a happy life.

It’s just incomprehensible and impossible to understand their actions when you can’t even begin to understand what’s happened.

Original poster
Disname · 19/11/2021 20:57

@settleforme

Is a a police officer?
Medical
OP posts:
sociallydistained · 19/11/2021 21:00

Anyone else wonder how or why men can be bothered to do this? Cause it’s not just sex is it he’s spending time, money and effort on the OW as well as his wife as well as the mental load of keeping up the lies… I just cannot even fathom why they would, except for the thrill of being dishonest?

caringcarer · 19/11/2021 21:00

Your poor friend, just before Xmas too. What a lying toad he is. She needs to get rid of him and make him pay financially. He has taken 10 years of her life she can never get back. She is lucky she has supportive friends.

Irishfarmer · 19/11/2021 21:02

WOW! What a betrayal, I don't think there is anyway back from that. Is your friend planning on leaving him? It's good he's gone to a hotel. What a d$ck

JacquelineCarlyle · 19/11/2021 21:03

He really is a piece of shit - your poor friend. Hope she's ok.

Fluffycloudland77 · 19/11/2021 21:04

One of my great uncles left his dw in the 50’s and she said he must’ve had another woman to go to. He just wasn’t there one day at home time. Years later the Salvation Army traced him to say his eldest dd was getting married but he never went to the church.

It’s not her fault she trusted him. I trust my dh, if he said he was at work I wouldn’t think to double check.

Milliepossum · 19/11/2021 21:16

My late husband lived a double life for at least 22 years of a 24 year marriage. When I found out it was like my entire life had been one great big fat lie. I instantly started the process to divorce. He died before I could get a divorce through. He also said he ‘loved them’ and you can love more than one person at a time. They knew about me and my children, all the details including my medical problems and where my children went to school. Our private details were discussed by him with his whores. He had sex with them in my house when my children and I weren’t home. And significant family funds were spent on them while we went without. Your friend is going to find out a lot more and realise just how deceptive he is as time goes on. He doesn’t love anyone except for himself and gets off on the deception. I would bet he’s got others on rotation that the OW doesn’t know about. I’m so sorry she’s going to go through the shock and realisation her marriage was a farce and she was the only one keeping to the commitment she made. Her role was to preserve his image as a doting husband when he is the opposite, an asshole to the core. Please tell her she didn’t do anything wrong and there was nothing she could have done to prevent his behaviour. 🌸