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Original poster

My friend has just discovered her husbands 10 year affair

274 replies

Disname · 19/11/2021 19:45

10 years….

They’ve been married for 16. Im in shock, have spent the week supporting her but I just need somewhere to say WTF WTF WTF.

I honestly would never never never have believed it. He adores her, they are one of the happiest couples i know, she said herself they’ve never argued - it’s a running joke in our friendship group.

Im in shock. I did tell her I was going to post here but assured her there wouldn’t be identifiable details.

I just cannot believe it

OP posts:
ulez · 20/11/2021 01:24

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

SortCode · 20/11/2021 01:31

Cake and eat it ....springs to mind!!!!

foreverandalways · 20/11/2021 02:02

I would quite literally be heartbroken.......tell him to fuck the fuck off immediately....absolute arsehole of a so called man....weak, disgrace of a human being.....😡

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Relationship problems
GiantHaystacks2021 · 20/11/2021 02:06

I suppose he was bound to get rumbled, sooner or later.
10 year is a long time of sneaking around and sticking it in someone else.
It is awful though.

HeartvsBrain · 20/11/2021 02:13

[quote Cameleongirl]@5128gap Of course people can be attracted to other people when they're in a LTR, they can start to become close to them too...but that's when you step back and stop a potential affair before it happens. Or, you realize that you're truly unhappy with your partner and break it off.

You don't lead a double life! It's completely unfair to the unsuspecting partner.[/quote]
^ Absolutely this ^

My ex DH left me for a work colleague. If he no longer loved me, or wanted to be with me, then he was right not to stay.
But he should have left me first, preferably after us both having joint marriage counselling. Then, once he left me he would have been free to date someone else.

Why do so many men not leave their presumably unloved partner until after they have found someone else to go to? I think the answer to my question is probably very obvious.

However, I refuse to believe that any relationship between two people has been a complete waste of time, unless it involved abusive behaviour, but it is obviously one of the first things that comes to mind when you find out that your partner has been a consistent cheat. I conceived my last DC after my DH had started his emotional affair - which of course turned into a fully fledged sexual affair - I also had a lovely holiday with my (now ex) DH and our children, and went to a friend's wedding with him and the children before I knew of his affair, and both events were brilliant. Finding out later that he was already involved with the OW during those two times, did not detract from them being enjoyable at the time, or my memories of them since.

Once your Dfriend is over the initial shock of what her awful husband has been doing (however long that might take) please try to help her see that all the things she experienced and felt during the past ten years are not now suddenly wasted. No-one should feel that a big chunk of their life was was merely a lie, and therefore a waste. She has grown, and changed during that period, she has experienced things that might now seem tainted, but she can't take back the joy (or any other emotion) she once felt when experiencing them. I am so glad for your friend that she has you, but take care of yourself too, as whatever she decides to do next will inevitably cause a lot of emotional stress.

Coyoacan · 20/11/2021 02:15

No consolation to anyone but, that sort of behaviour used to be all the rage in Mexico. A complete other family turned up at the funeral of my MIL's father and the estate suddenly had to be split with them.

MsDogLady · 20/11/2021 03:33

For 10 long years this man stole his Wife’s agency and consent, and put her health at risk. He determined that only he and OW were entitled to informed choices. His wants reigned supreme, while his Wife’s rights and dignity were beneath consideration. That is certainly not love.

If my Husband made such an utter mockery of me and our marriage, he would never again darken my door.

Disname, your Friend is blessed to have you by her side.

MaElstr0m · 20/11/2021 04:03

Got a message at 1am from SIL to say B had been kicked out after she found out about 6 year affair. 3 children, 1 a month from finishing high school. Prick.

EmmaGrundyForPM · 20/11/2021 04:10

I have a (single) friend who has been in a relationship with a married man for over 14 years. He has 2 children. He is never going to leave his wife, and I don't think my friend would want him to.

I've met him a few times, he is charming but I can't believe he manages to run these two lives. He is very much a family man, on the face of it - very involved in village life where he and his wife live, lots of dinner parties, social outings etc. I'm sure if it ever came out his friends would be shocked.

YukoandHiro · 20/11/2021 04:12

@EmmaGrundyForPM I'm fascinated why your friend would settle for half a life for 14 years... does she not really want a proper relationship for herself? Does she hold out a hope that one day he will leave his wife?

Twinsmummy1812 · 20/11/2021 04:47

@HeartvsBrain

That is a lovely constructive thing to write. I hope op’s friend can take it to heart once she gets over the shock a little.

I do hope his dick drops off though.

mathanxiety · 20/11/2021 05:16

...please try to help her see that all the things she experienced and felt during the past ten years are not now suddenly wasted. No-one should feel that a big chunk of their life was was merely a lie, and therefore a waste. She has grown, and changed during that period, she has experienced things that might now seem tainted, but she can't take back the joy (or any other emotion) she once felt when experiencing them.

I'd like some of those happy pills, @HeartvsBrain.

It's not a question of wasted years.
It's a question of the what ifs, had she known ten years ago what she knows now.

Where would she be living?
Who would she be living with?
Would she have chosen to live those ten years with the person she was married to, in the home they shared, had she known?

mathanxiety · 20/11/2021 05:22

@Milliepossum - excellent post. I agree there will be more revelations.

Your friend should get std tested and should have an accountant go through the finances.

Bluetrews25 · 20/11/2021 05:53

Wow, that would give you serious trust issues in the future.

Terrible thing to do.

WeeTattieBogle · 20/11/2021 06:37

Can I just say that there is a huge difference between someone leading a double life for years on end and someone having an affair and unless you love experienced the double life aspect of things you thankfully have no idea of the difference.

WeeTattieBogle · 20/11/2021 06:43

Have - love

HelloDaisy · 20/11/2021 06:59

@MsDogLady

For 10 long years this man stole his Wife’s agency and consent, and put her health at risk. He determined that only he and OW were entitled to informed choices. His wants reigned supreme, while his Wife’s rights and dignity were beneath consideration. That is certainly not love.

If my Husband made such an utter mockery of me and our marriage, he would never again darken my door.

Disname, your Friend is blessed to have you by her side.

Perfectly said.
MimiDaisy11 · 20/11/2021 07:05

It’s amazing the amount of long term affairs or double lives that go on.

I imagine you could drive yourself mad thinking through your life together wondering if those times he was out the room for a bit longer than usual were times he was calling her etc.

AsleepOnTheTrain · 20/11/2021 07:09

Well if the OW doesnt want him to live with her, and his wife divorces him, he is going to have a problem.

THisbackwithavengeance · 20/11/2021 07:23

I don't understand the motives of the OWs in all these long term affairs.

I was an OW in my errant youth so shoot me I fell madly in love with an older MM. We were together for a year on and off. He professed to love me but wouldn't leave his wife. So eventually I saw sense and left the relationship. The whole thing washit and destroyed my emotional health for quite a while. Not being able to be with someone properly, the jealousy, the sneaking around, the lack of trust, the feeling of being 2nd best. Why would you not want a proper, honest relationship for yourself with a man who's committed to only you?

The only way I can see such a relationship working is if the OW was also married. I don't suppose anyone on here who is currently n such an affair would risk the drubbing to confess it.

Piggyk2 · 20/11/2021 07:25

10 years is a really long time not get caught out. What did OW say she is going to do now?

I find it hard to believe after 10 years you wouldn't want more... I mean there's a fling and an affair.

Your poor friend OP.

supermoonrising · 20/11/2021 07:35

@THisbackwithavengeance
Well, you understand it well enough to have done the same thing, just for a shorter period.

Lightisnotwhite · 20/11/2021 07:42

Because people sometimes genuinely want both people. Its a bit like saying why would you bother having two friends, as its twice the effort and you could just do everything with the one friend. You have two friends becsuse you want to spend time with both of those people, and they each have different personalities and bring different things to the table. The wife and OW are two different women. Its not a case of if you've got one (generic) woman why would you bother with another.

Yes clearly it must be this on some level.

However being “in love” is entirely different to anything I know.. You literally don’t want anything or anyone else as the other person is everything. You can feel the pull of it physically as well as emotionally,

THisbackwithavengeance · 20/11/2021 07:46

[quote supermoonrising]@THisbackwithavengeance
Well, you understand it well enough to have done the same thing, just for a shorter period.[/quote]
But that's my point Supermoon. I was massively unhappy and insecure. The relationship broke me emotionally and that was after one year. I had no choice but to end it when it became obvious he wouldnt leave his wife.

--But the women in LTRs with married men who are apparently happy with the whole thing and dont mind him being married to someone else. Just why????

Please don't anyone attack me, it's not the point of this thread, it was nearly 30 years ago, I was very young and stupid at the time. I'm mentioning it only to ask the question about a 10 year OW's motive which I don't understand.

rainbowstardrops · 20/11/2021 07:54

What an absolute bastard! Had the best of both worlds didn't he. Hope he ends up with neither.