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Original poster

My friend has just discovered her husbands 10 year affair

274 replies

Disname · 19/11/2021 19:45

10 years….

They’ve been married for 16. Im in shock, have spent the week supporting her but I just need somewhere to say WTF WTF WTF.

I honestly would never never never have believed it. He adores her, they are one of the happiest couples i know, she said herself they’ve never argued - it’s a running joke in our friendship group.

Im in shock. I did tell her I was going to post here but assured her there wouldn’t be identifiable details.

I just cannot believe it

OP posts:
WeeTattieBogle · 19/11/2021 21:21

He doesn’t love anyone except for himself and gets off on the deception. I would bet he’s got others on rotation

I agree.

And I’m sorry this happened to you.

Cameleongirl · 19/11/2021 21:32

@BleuJay

He was happy with the arrangement and the other woman was happy with the relationship.

Sadly, they are both too selfish and ignorant to understand that the third person, his wife may not be agreeable to such an arrangement and therefore to deny her the knowledge of their relationship is just plain nasty.

Completely agree, @BleuJay. They've denied her the choice to make her own decision about whether this was the type of relationship she wanted to be in. It's plain nasty.

Once she's over the shock, I hope she gets angry and gets rid of him permanently.

Champersandchocolate · 19/11/2021 21:42

Would there be a lot of money or assets lost to him if there was a divorce?

Sounds like he's been having his cake and eating it without loosing half his financial situation.. and still trying to make it look "sweet" in hope he doesn't!

Interested in this thread?

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Relationship problems
YouokHun · 19/11/2021 21:43

What an awful deception and what an arrogant confession, as if he’s doing her a favour by being “honest” now he’s been caught out.

It reminds me of a childhood friend of my DH who got married really young (18) and had 4 children by the time she was 25. He was 26 when they married and was such a nice bloke, great dad, fun. He was also pretty religious, not in a pious way but he seemed really principled and family oriented.

On the eve of their 25th wedding anniversary when the champagne was already on ice he came home from work and just said “I don’t love you and I’m leaving”, he already had a bag packed. She was completely floored. She didn’t know where he was for a week until someone spotted him by chance letting himself into a house. It turned out he was living with a woman with two children. Over the next few days my DH’s friend established that the two teenage children were his, the older child was 18. Then she found out that he had been with this woman for just a few months longer than he’d been with her and that the other woman knew all about her. He had always worked away a lot and, she thought, was staying half the week in their flat. She was in shock, it was so awful to witness and everything was a lie, her wedding photos, all that shared life not what she thought. It’s 15 years ago now. She divorced him and about 5 years down the line met a really nice man but she says she won’t live with him and she won’t ever marry again. Her ex has married the other woman and is happy and apparently still off to church every Sunday like the fine upstanding man he is 😕. He never explained anything to our friend, just left her with no answers, wouldn’t engage, doesn’t see his now adult children. Proof there is no Karma.

SilverPeacock · 19/11/2021 21:55

This is fucked up. You need to be a special sort of psychopath to be able to lie to someone for this long. Someone you supposedly 'love'.Your poor friend I'm glad she's got you OP.

ufucoffee · 19/11/2021 21:55

He was happy with the arrangement and the other woman was happy with the relationship.

I bet he was and I bet she was. How great that they were both happy. Pair of twats

Happymum12345 · 19/11/2021 22:02

Thank goodness no children are involved. Your poor friend. Somethings you never get over, let’s hope she is able to form a true loving relationship in the future.

ufucoffee · 19/11/2021 22:09

He'll want to stay with your friend if the other woman wants to stay with her husband. I hope her husband knows. If he doesn't someone tell him, quickly.

CiaoEB · 19/11/2021 22:11

@Disname

He’s been completely open apparently. Hasn’t denied it at all or minimised.

She’s in shock.

He says he fell in love with two women, “it’s as simple and complicated as that”. The other woman knows about his wife, has never asked or wanted him to leave and still doesn’t!

He is minimising it though and now he’s been caught he’s trying to gaslight your friend into believing it’s completely normal. What he’s done is shocking and unacceptable and a complete betrayal.
Cameleongirl · 19/11/2021 22:22

@ufucoffee

He'll want to stay with your friend if the other woman wants to stay with her husband. I hope her husband knows. If he doesn't someone tell him, quickly.
Yeah, that's why I hope she tells him to bugger off when she's got over the initial shock.
5128gap · 19/11/2021 22:23

@sociallydistained

Anyone else wonder how or why men can be bothered to do this? Cause it’s not just sex is it he’s spending time, money and effort on the OW as well as his wife as well as the mental load of keeping up the lies… I just cannot even fathom why they would, except for the thrill of being dishonest?
Because people sometimes genuinely want both people. Its a bit like saying why would you bother having two friends, as its twice the effort and you could just do everything with the one friend. You have two friends becsuse you want to spend time with both of those people, and they each have different personalities and bring different things to the table. The wife and OW are two different women. Its not a case of if you've got one (generic) woman why would you bother with another.
Mykittensmittens · 19/11/2021 22:33

I have a very similar story to @Milliepossum

My ex-H was diagnosed as a sociopath, later, not that it excuses him. However he went on to repeat his behaviour with his next partner which weirdly helped me understand it wasn’t me.

OP I feel your friends pain. My Ex had a very long affair. The only difference was the OW didn’t know the truth about me. She was told I was sectioned for mental health reasons and we couldn’t separate or I’d kill myself. Total crap. I’ve thankfully never had any MH issues and that was his cover to explain all my stuff in the marital home when he brought her back for a shag or two. Her parents thought they were a complete item and the only reason he wasn’t with them all on Xmas etc was that he was a ‘busy and important’ man who occasionally had to cover antisocial or overseas work.

I could go on and on. The point is, she’s not alone and it’s not as uncommon as you imagine.

My heart goes out to her. She will come through this. He’s an utter twat.

Angliski · 19/11/2021 22:53

@5128gap why do that in secrecy though?

Bouledeneige · 19/11/2021 22:56

I know someone who had an affair for 30 years. His wife didn't kick him out when she found out. I was flabbergasted. Sadly I married his son.... and he wasn't any better than his Dad.

gingerlyme · 19/11/2021 22:57

@Disname

She drove to a village she doesn’t usually go to about 20 mins from her house. No reason to go there normally but was picking something up she bought off Facebook. Saw her DHs car driving through the village when he was supposed to be miles away. Called him and he said he was at work miles away, she was literally across the street from him
There is a reason for everything. But I'm sorry she is going through this. Especially just before Christmas 🎄 Just keep being there Thanks
SerenTarot · 19/11/2021 23:01

@Disname

He’s been completely open apparently. Hasn’t denied it at all or minimised.

She’s in shock.

He says he fell in love with two women, “it’s as simple and complicated as that”. The other woman knows about his wife, has never asked or wanted him to leave and still doesn’t!

More fool her.

Let's hope your friend has more self-respect than his mistress and kicks the lying, cheating fucker into touch.

Sorrynotsorry2 · 19/11/2021 23:01

10 years... how do they get away with it . Im sorry but I would hire a hitman.

Lampzade · 19/11/2021 23:11

Ten years
I really don’t know how some people sleep at night
Very wicked man

logsonlogsoff · 19/11/2021 23:13

Ouch. That has to sting. It’s one thing loving 2 people, but the deception for that amount of time is something else.

amusedbush · 19/11/2021 23:26

TEN YEARS. Fucking hell, it's just too awful to comprehend.

He has absolutely destroyed your friend's trust and made a mockery of their marriage. The majority of it has been a lie and that's heartbreaking.

If he truly loved both women and he refused to take a step back from the OW, he should have sat your friend down ten years ago and told her everything. The options for her were either polyamory (which works very well for some people, though I am personally monogamous) or she could have left him. He has removed the choice from her because he's a selfish prick.

littlefireseverywhere · 20/11/2021 00:31

Crikey, that’s rough. 10 years, how do they have the gall to do that?!

Itsnotallaboutyoubaby · 20/11/2021 00:46

For your friend Flowers

What an utter prick he is! I’m lost for words

PastMyBestBeforeDate · 20/11/2021 00:49

Milliepossum and Mykittensmittens Flowers

@Disname I don't know how your friend comes back from this. How on earth do you ever let your guard down again? Her H and the OW are awful.

Cameleongirl · 20/11/2021 00:55

@5128gap Of course people can be attracted to other people when they're in a LTR, they can start to become close to them too...but that's when you step back and stop a potential affair before it happens. Or, you realize that you're truly unhappy with your partner and break it off.

You don't lead a double life! It's completely unfair to the unsuspecting partner.

2pinkginsplease · 20/11/2021 01:22

Be prepared for him to spout the usual crap!

This happened to my friend, he had been having an affair for over a year of their 18yr marriage and when she told him to leave he told her he had never loved her anyway….. this is from the guy who sent her love letters and flowers to ask her out, who proposed, who pushed for a wedding and also to have a family, but he never loved her as he now knows what love is. Total bullshit.

Like your friends dh this guy was the one guy I thought would never ever cheat as he had slated a friend for doing the same!