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Original poster

My friend has just discovered her husbands 10 year affair

274 replies

Disname · 19/11/2021 19:45

10 years….

They’ve been married for 16. Im in shock, have spent the week supporting her but I just need somewhere to say WTF WTF WTF.

I honestly would never never never have believed it. He adores her, they are one of the happiest couples i know, she said herself they’ve never argued - it’s a running joke in our friendship group.

Im in shock. I did tell her I was going to post here but assured her there wouldn’t be identifiable details.

I just cannot believe it

OP posts:
Lovinglife45 · 20/11/2021 08:02

Heartsvbrain

What a lovely comment you make on not seeing the previous marital years as wasted. Not seeing your memories as tainted.

When I discovered my stbxh's infidelities, I would think back to key moments, celebrations and look at photographs convincing myself none of it was real. That stbxh was pretending to be happy. Now I realise how damaging this was. I was denying myself a happy past, almost rewriting history to suit the information I now had. Now I look at family photographs and remember the joy and happiness as it was. I will not allow my stbxh's selfish actions to take that away from me. His actions were about him only, not me and my dc.

AllTheSunshine · 20/11/2021 08:10

Get her a copy of 'Leave a Cheater Gain a Life'. It's also on Audible. I've been there and that's the very best advice I can give.

KikoLemons · 20/11/2021 08:23

The dishonesty is the thing as others have said.

The "loving two people" I can absolutely understand. It used to be perfectly normal before we tried to inextricably link love and marriage. The faux incomprehension is naive.

That's not trying to minimise or dismiss what's happened to your friend and my heart goes out to her. Agree she should get her finances looked at and protect her assets. Also heartbreaking for the children - she'll need your support OP so she can support them.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

Relationship problems
FireworkParrot · 20/11/2021 08:24

It doesn't really matter what he says does it because he's a liar. She knows he's a liar.

Hopefully she has more self respect than her husband or the OW and can muster the strength to kick him out. She hasn't had agency over her own life for 10 years but she does now and can decide for herself how she wants her future to look. Hopefully it isn't with that dickhead.

HeartsAndClubs · 20/11/2021 08:34

I do actually think that it’s possible to love two people. It doesn’t make it right to pursue both but I can see how it happens.

And unfortunately being together with someone else for 10 years means that it really is about more than just sex on the side, which is going to make it harder for the wife.

Someone having an affair purely because they feel they’re not getting enough sex at home is cheap. But actually having a double life where both women feature as important parts of it brings it to a whole new level.

How often did he see this woman? And more to the point, why on earth would a woman be content to be someone’s crumbs in a relationship where she knew he loved his wife?

I’m not necessarily sympathising with the OW, but to live like this for 10 years, listening to him talk about his wife and knowing he doesn’t want to be with her, sounds like there’s something about her i.e. she seriously lacks self worth to be content to just be that.

Is your friend going to leave him?

YouJustFoldItIn · 20/11/2021 08:39

I'm struggling to understand why on earth the OW would put up with this for 10 years. It's an awfully long time to wait for someone to leave, especially given there were no children that needed to grow up and leave home first, which is usually the justification for not leaving.

If a man hasn't left within a reasonably short time frame then he probably isn't going to. That's the point at which you have to either get out for your own sanity, or accept that you are going to live a half-life for years and years, until he eventually gets bored and dumps you for a newer model. Or his wife finds out and he chooses to ditch you in order to keep her.

Perhaps the OW is very independent, no interest in wanting a full time burden of her own and just enjoys having a part time lover. But that's not the norm for most people.

CandidaAlbicans2 · 20/11/2021 08:42

I refuse to believe that any relationship between two people has been a complete waste of time, unless it involved abusive behaviour...No-one should feel that a big chunk of their life was was merely a lie, and therefore a waste. She has grown, and changed during that period, she has experienced things that might now seem tainted, but she can't take back the joy (or any other emotion) she once felt when experiencing them

@HeartvsBrain, that's such a lovely way of looking at things, and I'm so glad you were able to do that with your relationship 🙂Flowers Hopefully OP's friend will be able to do so too. Although I've not had such an emotional upheaval I do try and always take something positive from every relationship I have, especially if I've been rejected.

EpicDay · 20/11/2021 08:43

Is there nobody who can understand why this might be quite an appealing situation for the OW?

AlCalavicci · 20/11/2021 08:51

@Disname your poor friend must be going through hell right now and it's great that you are there for her to talk to but I would suggest that she speaks to several professionals too,
The bank - finacally she needs to make sure he didn't disappear with all the money , esp as he is staying in a hotel , that can't last long without it costing a fortune .
Stop shared bank accounts.

Rent / mortgage provider's - Who is name is the house in , will she have to sell / move out ?

Marriage guidance- not to get them back together but to help them separate quickly, cleanly, fairly ,and legally .

But first and foremost a locksmith to change all he locks on the house so the bastard can't get back in
( disclaimer this may not be legal if the house is solely in his name )

She needs to have a backbone of steal so when he comes back trying to weedle his way back into her life she can tell him to fuck right off

MrsMoastyToasty · 20/11/2021 08:51

He didn't fall in love with 2 people.

He didn't live one ENOUGH to "Forsake all others " .

MainRd · 20/11/2021 08:54

What a shock for your friend. I hope she takes time and advice to move on.

A family member of mine and her brother are the children of a similar situation, born in the midst of an affair, her mum single with three children, her dad also married with three children. When the news of the affair came out, both women decided to carry on with their relationship with this man.

Now an adult my family member has grown up knowing her dad has another wife and family. His wife knowing that her husband has another family too.

'Dad' had double the amount of holidays...strangely all to the same place. He walked his daughter down the aisle, he shared family Christmas and birthdays. He enjoyed family weekends away.

Even on his death bed, turns were taken to visit.

Though of course everyone had to be together at his funeral.

venusmay · 20/11/2021 08:57

My friends dm went through similar with her dh cheating for four years. The dh said he loved both but wasn't present in the family life much and didn't treat them well. It is awful, my friend came home from school one day and he was gone, she's never been able to really trust men.

The level of deception and betrayal is horrendous.

TheWeeDonkey · 20/11/2021 09:01

@EpicDay

Is there nobody who can understand why this might be quite an appealing situation for the OW?
Well my guess would be that for her hes just A N Other and she probably is too TBF. Who knows?

Its a bizarre situation all round, I'm just sorry the wife didn't get a say in all of this. I'm sorry for all the wives on this thread who have been deceived.

AlCalavicci · 20/11/2021 09:02

@EpicDay
Of course I ( And no doubt others ) can see why this is a appealing situation for the OW
She gets a lover , companionship , some one to share all the good bits of life with , then send him back home.
But it's like ( actually no much worst but ykwim ) going into a very expensive shop and stealing every day for 10 years and thinking that because the OW started it so long ago that it somehow makes it ok.
If the OW did not know about her lovers wife that would be different, but she did and was complicit in wrecking a marriage and that is never ok.

bungabungaboo · 20/11/2021 09:04

My father did this announcing, when I was 14, that he was leaving.

He lived on and off with her for two years before coming back to my Mum and me Sad

Complete bastard imo

He still lives with my Mum, they don't like each other much, dad can be bullish, wish they had split up tbh

He even went to my grandmas funeral (mum and i never went , we were not allowed)

Apparently she used to visit my gran with my dad and also dads brother (my uncle)

Please encourage her to move on

My Mum felt like she had lived a lie

Everyone was shocked

I remember sitting in the car, as a young child, when he went in her flat and waiting for him to come back so we could go home Shock

So sad for your friend Thanks

Powertoyou · 20/11/2021 09:04

The other woman is probably treated well, presents and dates. Not washing his socks and putting up with in-laws. It’s suits her.
I am going to be very hard here, if the other woman wanted him, full Tim do you think he would have gone?
Is the husband sorry for what he has done or is he expecting to carry on as before?

MainRd · 20/11/2021 09:05

@EpicDay

Is there nobody who can understand why this might be quite an appealing situation for the OW?
I can only think that the OW is someone who wants her own life, but also be in a relationship, her own space without full commitment yet loved. Sometimes affairs are exciting, the OW only gets the good bits, no pant washing, just intermittent nice times and treats.

I was in a long distance relationship which gave similar effect. Saw him once a fortnight when he flew home. At the time it was enough. I knew when he was here, I could be planned, take time to dress nicely, time for meals out, romantic weekends together, the odd weekend in his European city. There was no normality, no washing up, pant washing, kids to look after (at their dad's/mum's), house tidying, running the kids around. A little bubble.

CamQ · 20/11/2021 09:10

Isn’t this what the aristocracy, even royalty, used to do until recently?

And the DW would put up with it for years and years?

So sorry for your friend OP. My friend had similar, although not for quite as long. Her DH left a few days after their huge Silver wedding anniversary party.

Original poster
Disname · 20/11/2021 09:11

Re the finances, they have their own money and both are high earners - house jointly owned

To the poster who asked if the OW is like my friend. No, not at all - if anything she’s the exact opposite! Seems very independent, travels a lot on her own (this is all from fb)

OP posts:
WinterFirTree · 20/11/2021 09:11

I know someone who was the OW for 18 years. His wife found out and the husband moved in with the OW and they got married. He is now sadly suffering from dementia and the OW (a family member) is all 'I did not sign up for this'.

Hmm

Plus of course the old boring narrative of the bitch ex taking him to the cleaners an refusing access to the (adult) children.

I have little respect for their behaviour.

WinterFirTree · 20/11/2021 09:12

OP i hope your friend will be fine. She has been shoickingly betrayed and treated appallingly. The fact he seems to be trying to shrug it off indicates a person with no moral compass.

Original poster
Disname · 20/11/2021 09:14

@Powertoyou - OW said to friend that husband had always been very clear he loved his wife and wouldn’t leave her, and OW was very clear she didn’t want him to leave wife.

I’m not seeing mate until tonight, I will pass on the lovely message about not feeling the last ten years were a lie

OP posts:
HeartsAndClubs · 20/11/2021 09:30

But first and foremost a locksmith to change all he locks on the house so the bastard can't get back in legally she cannot change the locks as they’re married. Even if the house was in her name only it’s a marital asset

If she wants to divorce him then she needs to see a solicitor. But as they’re married and have been for a significant amount of time and have no children it’s likely to be a 50/50 split of assets.

Unless one can afford to buy the other out of the house I would imagine it will have to be sold.

C8H10N4O2 · 20/11/2021 09:31

He says he fell in love with two women, “it’s as simple and complicated as that”

Haha that old chestnut. I've heard that a few times over the years to abdicate personal responsibility, to reframe adultery as if his penis just fell accidentally into other women.

He had choices, he made them. He took that away from his wife. If he wanted to be with someone else he could have ended his marriage or discussed and open relationship. He chose instead to lie to her and is pathetically framing the situation to absolve himself of responsibility for his own decisions.

Whose · 20/11/2021 09:32

What an arse