My lovely DH died suddenly in October. I'm doing okay in general given the circumstances but tonight is really bad. I can't sleep and every time I close my eyes I'm having flashbacks to when he was ill before he died and to finding him dead and doing CPR. He was so scared when he was ill and there was one night when it got really bad and he couldn't come upstairs to wake me up and he messaged me and asked me to come down but I didn't wake up. He was so scared and I wasn't there. I can't stop thinking about it. And then when he was in hospital he said something happened that was really frightening and traumatic but he wasn't ready to talk about it and then he died before we got the chance and now my mind goes to so many awful places. I keep thinking about how scared he was and how I wasn't there and what if he was that scared when he died, what if he knew it was happening? I can't bear it. I can't stop seeing his face when I found him. I feel so alone.