Any Lockdown SAHM really struggling?

[Cwtchymumma]

Hey,

I’ll try to make this as short as possible. It will appear to be more of a rant and something I need to get off my chest than anything else. I’m a 30 year old, first time mum with a 15 month old son. My partner works as a plasterer and has managed to work ALL THE WAY through lockdown back in March....however, he literally comes home and does nothing. Since the day my son was born he hasn’t bathed him...that’s right, EVER....even after being asked multiple time’s, he doesn’t “do” nappy changes, he never feeds him (not even his bottle) nothing...what I’m trying to say is I’m the default parent but to an extreme. I get the classic from him “I work all day so I want to come home and relax” he doesn’t get up for night terrors or if my DS is crying..and hasn’t since day dot. If I ask for his help it’s ALWAYS met with a grunt or a big sigh. So after now 15 months I’m learning to just make do and get on by myself.

Now, last week (when we were told we were not aloud any visitors to the house) I told my partner I was going out to my brothers birthday meal. My partner told me a friend was coming round to the house. Which I told him I wasn’t happy about because HELLO ITS AGAINST THE LAW! And just not safe. He disregarded what I said and this friend came round. On the Monday, said friend was tested positive for covid-19......that was it, we were in isolation for 14 days...or so you’d think, but no. My selfish partner carried on working... I stayed in our (very small) house alone for FOURTEEN DAYS to be met with no help.... when he came home and golf playing on the weekends. If anyone is a SAHM you know how lonely it can get right? You know it can get so overwhelming, especially if your LO is being a terror that day, you have constant guilt that you can’t visit people, interact with other human beings, are you doing enough with them? Are they bored of the same four walls like you are? The list is endless of how you feel.

Now the SECOND lockdown has been announced I have just fallen to bits... after it all I will of been in my house for 6 weeks straight with just my son and me, alone....I don’t know what to do. I just broke down into a pillow because my partner had a go at me for snapping at him. I told him (given angrily) that I was tired of having nothing from him, no “how are you doing through this?” No, “I’ll bath him and out him to bed if you like tonight” no empathy or help or support. I resent him that he gets to go to work and see people, he gets to have a commute..I resent him for his lack of support CONSTANTLY, I mean is it too
Much to ask to have someone put their arm around you and ask “are you ok? How you feeling?”

My parents have told me to live with them for a month during this second lockdown, under the condition my partner can’t see him... I don’t know what to do?!? ....I tried looking for a similar thread on here and struggled.
Any help or advice is welcome. Please tell me I’m not alone I’m feeling like this....

Lots of love. Stay safe xxxx

Go to your parents OP. At the very least, it will help you get through lockdown. But I think that once you’re there with people who genuinely care about you and your wellbeing, you may well decide to make it permanent.

I am a single parent to 2 DCs and , while it is hard sometimes, it is 1000x easier than carrying a dead weight of a husband and feeling that awful burning resentment.

Good luck to you.

I had one like yours and I don't buy it. My DF was military and the second he came home he was hands on. Even my DGF was hands on during weekends and holidays. I'd go to your parents and see how you feel after that. Your DH should want to spend time with the baby

@yourestandingonmyneck Thank you for your reply. My DS does go to nursery. Thursday and Friday. However, because the selfish prick as you do rightfully named him made us go into “incubation” nursery wouldn’t allow my DS to be in nursery understandably for the 2 weeks.... maybe this is why I feel the way I do too. My DS loves nursery and (I feel guilty saying it) but I like the little break from him over those two days. To concentrate on the business or get housework done etc. He’s back this week though... 👌🏼

Go to your parents. Again, it's a DH problem exacerbated by the additional isolation of lockdown. Use the line that he's so busy working that he won't have time to miss you.

Yes, it is intense being in the company of children constantly. Mine are junior school age now and it's like a constant sensory assault, and my internal patience and resilience still aren't where they should be after 5.5 months together near constantly and half a term back at school. I am grateful that we're beyond the toddler years as some of our conversations are lovely in between the mental gymnastics leaping around.

I'm surprised a plasterer has had the actual plaster to constantly work long hours uninterrupted by supply shortages. It was the biggest PITA for my neighbour trying to keep his projects going.

15 months is hard as a sahp (even without lockdown). They want to do more than they can, are sleeping less, can't communicate everything they want. It does get easier as they get better at entertaining themselves and once they can speak more - you can have actual conversations! (Albeit not necessarily on the topics you want).

BUT, your situation is being made much much worse by your DP problem. And it doesn't sound like that is a lockdown issue as he wasnt helping before Covid. Sadly, it seems unlikely he will step up if he hasn't yet and if he is ignoring you when you are asking for help.

I would go to your parents for lockdown and think about what you want to do next. The thinking will be easier with some support as it will free up some brain space too.

Your problem is your DP not lockdown. I’d go to your parents and have a good think. I’d also polish your CV and start looking for a job.

Your baby is 15mnths old and your partner has never bathed him- that’s appalling OP. I used to breastfeed at night and then wake my husband to burp her just so I could catch 15mins extra sleep.

I would go to my parents for good- your partner is a lazy, childish schmuck! Ok he works, he’s not the first all only parent to do so, doesn’t get to abdicate all his father responsibilities. Either leave or stop being a SAHM.

You deserve better. I wouldn't put up with that. Please go to your parents.

It also strikes me that your DP is actively avoiding doing activities that help him bond with your DC. Bathtime for example can be fun (DH does them not me - they have music on and toys out and have a great time).

The sensible thing to do for your own well being is to go to your parents with your DS.

Like others have said this is more a DP issue, you deserve support, it's hard when the DC's are little but it's also an enjoyable time so balance is important which you don't have.

@Nyancat

Honestly I think you have less of a lockdown probably and more of a DH problem. He needs to start pulling his weight when he's not working. If it was me I would move to my parents for the next lockdown without a second thought if you are going to get the support there you haven't gotten at home for the last 15 months.

This.

But yes i think its reasonable and common to be struggling as a sahp.

Your biggest issue is your lazy husband who doesn't respect you though.

He doesn't 'doesn't nappies? NEVER given him a bottle? Swans off to play golf?* I'm sorry Op he sounds terribly lazy and entitled. You need to have some very honest conversations with him. If he won't change then grow your business (great time for an ecommerce launch) and get out.

*Golf is fine if he actually ever helps with his child!

I'm excited for you to go to your parents OP! It will be like a holiday in comparison. Write a list of all the things you want to do eg. Read trashy mags, long baths with a book, do xyz for the business etc.

I think it might be a no brained but can I really just no let my DS see his dad for a month??

Your DS needs emotional support as much as you. If you are struggling then he will feel it / be affected.

If your partner isn't supporting you he isnt acting in your son's best interests. And if thats the case its up to you to do so.

Move in with your parents for the sake of you, your son and them (they are clearly concerned for your well-being and dont think highly of your partner - listen to them, they know the situation better than any of us)

The only one depriving anyone of anything is your partner. Your son is better off without that shit.