Why do the school mums make me feel like I'm back at school? (There hasn't even been any school for months!)

[90sCliche]

Just need to rant really and know this all sounds incredibly childish.

DD1 is friends with a group of girls in primary. I chat to the mum's when I see them on school run (once a week usually). Have been invited out for drinks occasionally with them but always feel like there are other meet ups I'm not invited to. DD1 also complains she feels left out sometimes at school.

Due to wfh and doing school run for DC2 more often, as well as facilitating zoom call and letter writing to friends for DD1, I thought the relationship was getting stronger.

Tonight I see on Facebook there has been a virtual chat between all these mums and their DD's and it's just me and DD that have been left out.

Feels like being back at bloody school and I feel for DD1 as she knows deep down she's left out and doesn't quite fit. Amazes me these things hurt in your thirties as much as they did in school. Someone give me some perspective!

They sound like thoughtless bitches.

Same at our primary.

I always chatted to the dads instead !

I think it happens at most schools sadly OP.Suffice to say no more school runs etc was probably my biggest relief of DS2 now going up to secondary!! No more snubs etc, I won't have to see them anymore

I had such a horrible experience when DC1 started school, I’m dreading DC2 starting. Although I think, second time around, I just DGAF about people liking me and I definitely won’t care if I get blanked in the playground.

But when I was in the thick of it, from the summer term of Reception all through year 1

(It was gratifying when I found out the clique had a secret WhatsApp group though )

It’s shit isn’t it. I promised myself I wouldn’t get sucked into any playground politics when my DS started school and for the first year everyone was lovely and inclusive. That soon changed. Cliques started forming, gossip, bitching.

Try and rise above it now. Go Teflon!

DS has just finished year 6 and whilst I was sad for him, I felt like skipping out of the playground!

People can’t offer more friendship than they are capable of feeling. It’s not you, it’s them.

They are simply showing you what kind of people they are. Don’t get upset. Just hold them at arms length and encourage your DD to find other, better friends. These ones aren’t actual friends.

OP please ignore these spiteful bitches. I was so happy when my youngest finished primary for this reason. It was a bunch of mum cliques who obviously knew each other previously and wouldn’t let anyone else join their group no matter how friendly or chatty you were. I really made an effort to smile, tried to chat and always got blanked or one word answers in return so I gave up. Life is waaaay to short to try to convince anyone to be your friend! I have lots of friends outside of being a parent whom I’ve known and loved since school and college and I cherish them.

Leave the mean girls to it. The only “power” they have is at the school gate and that won’t last forever and what then??? They will be the ones to suffer with that kind of mental attitude. Karma is real. Not in a woo woo sense but our actions have consequences for our lives. You give out meanness, it WILL come back to you eventually.

it's a horrible situation.
Hope you and your daughter can move on from them .

I think it's entirely normal to form groups after being friendly to everyone at first. I found some of the mums really moany and negative or defensive and insecure, and I never got the memo anyway that you had to make friends yourself when your kids start school. I already had enough trouble finding time to keep up with old friends and colleagues, so I wasn't really bothered about it. Was often on the periphery anyway due to being a working mum who was not in the playground a lot. Having said that we did form some nice networks and helped one another out with lifts and so on. But lasting friendships? Not really.

But leaving one person out isn't on. Perhaps they didn't mean to? Just invite yourself. Get kids over for playdates and have birthday parties and your daughter won't be left out either.

I hated the school run. I totally get that people form groups naturally and dont have an issue with people being friends and chatting. What I DO have an issue with is purposely excluding people, blanking them when they've made friendly overtures, and gossiping about them behind their back which is what I observed a lot of at the school gates.

That kind of behaviour is pathetic juvenile nonsense that I had hoped most people would have grown out of after age 12 but apparently not.
I dont know what it is about school pick up but I havent observed this behaviour anywhere else. Its weird. Almost like the sheer fact of being in a school turns people into immature idiots. In the end I stopped caring about it and just flew in and out at the last minute. I pity those women because I think what a vile example they are giving to their children and just perpetuating horrid, bullying behaviour (and yes, I see deliberate ostracising as bullying behaviour). You dont have to be friends with everyone you meet but you also do not have to blank them, exclude them in an obvious and cruel way or gossip about them to others in front of them so they pick up on it.

for the first year everyone was lovely and inclusive. That soon changed. Cliques started forming, gossip, bitching

For me, the lovely and inclusive phase lasted less than two terms There was such a sudden change, from everyone mingling and chatting to a literal parting of the seas, where the self-styled popular mums stood together, and the mums who didn’t make the cut stood away from them.

Of course it’s normal for groups to form, but it isn’t normal to blank anyone who isn’t part of your group, and to literally sneer when they arrive (which is what happened to me one day!).

I had a lovely time at school as a child so I have been a bit surprised and disappointed with the experience as a parent on the school run. Its over now but I'm still feeling slightly dizzy from it all. It induced a feeling social unease in me I hadn't really experienced before.

Just a horrible feeling of not knowing where you stand with people. People just not being straight forward. People just being crazy, impolite, and blooming weird.

I asked my Mum about it, she said in her day it was the same plus people would bang on about their deep freezes, whilst today it's their extensions.

The worst part is knowing where to stand. You walk into the playground and instantly start scanning for a friendly face. You see 2 mums who you chat to chatting together so you go over but they’re deep in conversation so you stand a little bit away from them waiting to catch their eye but you never do. Longest 3 minutes of your life waiting for that damn bell to ring and then your DC is at the back of the bloody line!

The trick is to arrive early and position yourself at the back of the playground. If you’re lucky another outcast will come to join you, if not then no one can see you at the back on your own.

The other tip is to get your DC walking home alone from year 5. You can still pick them up but just wait in the car for them.

Thanks everyone. You've made me realise it's a them problem not a me problem.

Can't wait until she moves on to secondary but I expect that will bring its own problems.