I'm going insane...referee to a toddler and 2 workaholics! Save me!

[GlamGiraffe]

Yes. Insanity has struck already!
I have a 2 year old who is utterly fearless, is not interested in actual games and likes anything dangerous, or extremely naughty (picture moving furniture to climb on the highest surfaces in the house and throwing herself off etc) she wont go in the huge garden despite my encouragement. I cant risk taking her to our local park as its packed and theres not a chance she will stay away from people, she never does.
DH is WFH, very stressed, v busy and has torn a disc in his back so even worse than normal grumpy. DS (17) is completing all coursework for his a levels as school believe its what's needed. Toddler wants to help both of them all the time and tries to get in their rooms.
Lunatic men, screaming child. Both males non stop telling me I dont know how to look after a child.
I'm losing my marbles.
Lighthearted suggestions for sanity please. Already started to drink wine and scoff large bars of chocolate (something I thought would never happen!)
Sympathies to all others this situation!!

Ugh sympathies, I have a just 4 year old, an 18 month old who sounds just like your toddler (but with added fun of being utterly intent on bashing down anything the 4 year old is trying to build, stealing puzzle pieces or running off with stray crayons and scribbling on the walls) and a DH who is seemingly using WFH as a reason to work longer hours and shuts himself up in our home office from 8am. I thought I was lucky to have been furloughed but if I hadn’t been, fuck knows how I’d have been able to do any work as apparently DH is needed all these hours to “keep the business afloat” - if this is what he’s doing then he isn’t paid nearly enough!!!

Only slight improvement this week has been getting a playhouse on stilts with a slide for the garden - mine weren’t interested at all in playing outside but this week we’ve been out (in hats and scarves!) for a bit everyday. If you don’t have something like that to encourage going outside I’d recommend it. Other than that, no miracle sanity savers here I’m afraid

@ThePug
Ugh. We have slides, swings a see saw a railway around the garden (currently -and forever out of order due to leaves on the line and a need for engineering works) but a nice thing to walk around, a "stage" aka raised decking. 2 trees suitable for climbing BUT there art ants living outside bow she wont leave the house. Standing on the windowsill against the big windows and swinging on the tops of the sashes seems fine to her. Ugh. I have such a headache.
Meanwhile males just emerged and asked where their food is!
I told them I havent had a bath or hair wash for 3 days as I need someone to supervise infant while i do this so they will have to get it and look after the toddler at the same time. They are now arguing amongst themselves. I'm tempted to feed them oestrogen to subdue their testosterone!