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Original poster

Husband won't have a vasectomy

192 replies

Michessex15 · 26/07/2019 09:37

Hi. I am 41 nearly 42 with 5 children . The youngest is 1. I don't want to go on pill as I feel too old. I looked into getting sterilised but Dr said I would need help as would be hard for me after surgery with kids. My husband quite happy for me to go ahead and do this . Even though I have done my bit of carrying kids and giving birth etc. The youngest 3 are ours together and I have 2 from a previous. He refuses to have the snip but at 53 nearly 54 I don't see why he can't. He has shouted at me over it . I'm too scared to get pregnant again and he won't use protection. Before I got preg with my fifth I was so tired a the time from doing everything. He never helps as he thinks because he works it's ok. I told him I was tired one night he said " I get it from somewhere else then " . This hurt me . Yes muggy here still had a fifth baby. But she is beautiful and o don't regret it. When I had her I was induced and bled alot and was ill through the birth. After everything he saw me go through he was saying " I'm tired" " I'm hungry" when I go finally had her. He touched my foot briefly and said " well done". That was it. No kiss nothing. I was so upset. I said now you see me go through that maybe time to have the snip. He raised his voice and said " I told you no and i thought you was getting sterilised" . I have only slept with him a hand full of times and just want him to get the snip

OP posts:
differentnameforthis · 26/07/2019 11:05

Ok first of all lucky you that your husband is so great. My daughter he called Lanky and ugly he did this very recently not ongoing.

Oh please!! Don't attack others op.

No one is perfect, but he is emotionally abusing your daughter and she will resent you both for that.

Original poster
Michessex15 · 26/07/2019 11:08

I'm not attacking anyone Im here for advice not to be judged or attacked. I know what's what clearly otgeiwse I wouldn't be on here asking for advice

OP posts:
Original poster
Michessex15 · 26/07/2019 11:11

Sorry saying your lucky to have a great husband . Didn't think that was an attack. My husband is a cunt so there you go

OP posts:

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Women's health
Pinktinker · 26/07/2019 11:11

He sounds like a selfish arsehole. I’d leave him and be single so you don’t have to worry about contraception full stop.

AllSweetnessAndLight · 26/07/2019 11:14

Go to a women's refuge and bring your DC with you. No one needs to live like this.

MauisHouseOnMaui · 26/07/2019 11:15

Ok first of all lucky you that your husband is so great

Its not luck to have a husband who is "great", it is - or should be - the default. DH drives me batshit sometimes with his little idiosyncrasies (and I'm sure I do the same to him) but he doesn't treat me like shit, he isnt disrespectful to me or my needs, he doesn't try to emotionally blackmail me into having sex, and he isnt emotionally abusive to any of our children.

I grew up in a household much like the one you've described and it was shit. I love my mum and we're close but I do still resent her for not leaving. There was always an excuse - it's not the right time, I need to save up, I can't provide what he provides, he's nice a lot of the time and he's always sorry after. Those last two were the kickers. Didn't matter that he told us we were pieces of shit who wouldn't ever amount to anything, that we were ugly, that we weren't worth loving so long as we had a car, three holidays a year, and once things. Didn't matter that we lived on eggshells waiting for his unpredictable temper to turn because he was nice the rest of the time and he always said sorry. The cars, the house, the money, being nice when it suits, and saying sorry are the carrots so that you'll tolerate the stick.

It's no way to live, OP, and saying you're going to leave is not the same thing as actually leaving.

SqueekyNuts · 26/07/2019 11:15

If you are thinking of a divorce then I don't understand why you would even ask your DH to undergo sterilization especially if they clearly don't want to.

The reason I got sterilized is because no matter what might change in the future with my relationship I still wouldn't want to be pregnant.

Original poster
Michessex15 · 26/07/2019 11:19

I have tried to split with him and the daughter that he clashes with said she thought he was ok and would rather he stayed but that was before last week when he said what he did. I will keep house and he will pay mortgage but I have to pay for rest.

OP posts:
Aaarrgghhh · 26/07/2019 11:23

You can’t force someone to have something done if they don’t want to. That goes for both of you. However, I don’t see why you are too old to take contraception, surely if you don’t want to get pregnant and he won’t use condoms you either don’t have sex or get yourself on something. If it’s that much if an issue would you leave him? That would take the risk of pregnancy away.

Original poster
Michessex15 · 26/07/2019 11:24

It's me he treats like shit not the kids. Just outr daughter recently hence the previous post. If he was like that with kids I would not still be with him. My kids love him apart from my 12 year old who has attitude and very hard work. Which is no excuse . He lost it and shouldn't have said what he said. The vasectomy thing I guess is showing that he keeps on saying I should get sterilised and be ok about it. This is a man who flew of the handle because he refuses to see a musical . All I said was it was a nice day out and he went mad but that's another story and years ago now. Thanks to the people on here that have been supportive of my post and worded things without being aggressive. I did come here for advice and support and some posts I thought " blood hell I feel more depressed than before "

OP posts:
Original poster
Michessex15 · 26/07/2019 11:26

No.mu husband never says sorry ever or I love you. So I don't even get a sorry.

OP posts:
YouWhoNeverArrived · 26/07/2019 11:35

You're not coming across well here, OP.

As previous posters have pointed out, having a vasectomy carries a very real risk of long-term complications such as pain. There's also the risk of regret. Given that your marriage sounds unhappy, it may be that he doesn't want a vasectomy in case you split up and he meets a younger woman who wants a child.

Ultimately, it's his body and his choice.

You criticise him for not taking responsibility for contraception, but you say you don't want to take the Pill because you "feel too old". Either your doctor is happy to prescribe it, or they're not. The progesterone-only pill is safe for almost any woman, regardless of age. And that's not to mention the implant or the coil, both of which are suitable for the vast majority of women.

You're essentially staying with your husband for his money, even though he may be causing your daughter emotional harm. You are essentially having sex in exchange for money. This won't be doing your self-esteem any good. Give your head a wobble and leave this toxic marriage.

Original poster
Michessex15 · 26/07/2019 11:42

Oh my god I am not staying with him for his money how dare you. Not even reading the rest of your comment. You obviously haven't read all mine explaining. I work from home I be ok . Thanks

OP posts:
MarthasGinYard · 26/07/2019 11:42

It all seems to be about money, houses, cars.

Paying for this and that.

Please get your priorities in order for the sake of your dc.

Original poster
Michessex15 · 26/07/2019 11:43

I'm not having sex for money I haven't slept with him. That part I did read. I'm sleeping for the 100 quid house keep he gives fir a family of 7 am i. Not had sex for 9 months

OP posts:
Original poster
Michessex15 · 26/07/2019 11:43

My god some people on here are so cruel. I'm not living with Fred west ffs

OP posts:
SoupDragon · 26/07/2019 11:44

You're not coming across well here, OP.

No she isn't Confused

Original poster
Michessex15 · 26/07/2019 11:47

I .entioned them to show you he provides well and not financially abusing me. I had house and car before I got with him . I'm showing you the whole pictures please I'm not here to be slagged off

OP posts:
Original poster
Michessex15 · 26/07/2019 11:48

My god there is only so much I can out here. I above five kids one being 1 years old. The last 3 weeks the three youngest hand ehad chicken pox so.i have been dealing with that and .y son hurt his foot bad and had to go hospital . So making plans for divorce I have not focused on

OP posts:
Original poster
Michessex15 · 26/07/2019 11:51

Mum's net is savage and I feel.more shit than before. Be nice to hear from someone who has gone through similar that I can just vent to.. thank you x

OP posts:
Aaarrgghhh · 26/07/2019 11:51

If you can manage on your own income like you have just said, then why do you need to save up to leave? You will be in the house and he will pay for it you will pay for your own bills and utilities. If you can manage what are you saving for? You don’t need to find money to pay for cars, just sell all but one and maybe even downgrade a bit if money is tight.

NoBaggyPants · 26/07/2019 11:55

You did say in your OP that you were still sleeping with him since the birth of your last child.

Why do you think he'll continue to pay for the house when you split up?

Original poster
Michessex15 · 26/07/2019 11:59

Yes I will downgrade car but when I spoke to ginger bread and was told I had to.wait for money I thought can I sell car that quick. We are not millionaires my husband is a Brickie but we do ok because we work hard but I feel people think I'm here lovlimg life and having sex to please my own husband. I have not slept with him for about 9 months. It's the whole splitting up process I'm dreading and my kids being upset. Of course my older daughter hates him but I have alot to think about. Some women on here are quick to jump and attack . Without a doubt if he said one more thing to upset my kid then he is.out. for now I have told them to stay away from eachother and biding my time. My kids are my world and they come first for.anyome to think they don't is mad. They are just reading bits and making up their own minds. To say I'm not coming across weell. I do everything for children and I mean everything. People comment on what a good mum I am. Isn't that most mum's? It's just this situwtiom I need to bide my time and I have even seeked professional advice. If he was beating us it would game over. Of course punching a hole in door is nearly as bad and things were dealt with then.i would be here all day explaining . I'm actually shaking right now because some people word things quite nasty

OP posts:
Original poster
Michessex15 · 26/07/2019 12:01

Because I threatened him with divorce in Feb and he said he would change and go anger management and said he would pay mortgage but I wi have to pay rest. He will lose house if he doesn't pay mortgage .we haven't slept together much becaause having a baby to deal with etc.

OP posts:
NoBaggyPants · 26/07/2019 12:05

I'm sorry OP, you're delusional if you think any of this is normal.

He bullies your children.
He coerces you into having unprotected sex.
He smashes things up when he doesn't get his way.

What effect do you think this is having on your children? Be in no doubt that these things, even when not happening in front of them, will have a long term impact on them.

Was your own father abusive? I'm trying to understand how you're still excusing this behaviour, and wondering if you grew up in similar circumstances so think this is normal.

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