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Original poster

Husband won't have a vasectomy

192 replies

Michessex15 · 26/07/2019 09:37

Hi. I am 41 nearly 42 with 5 children . The youngest is 1. I don't want to go on pill as I feel too old. I looked into getting sterilised but Dr said I would need help as would be hard for me after surgery with kids. My husband quite happy for me to go ahead and do this . Even though I have done my bit of carrying kids and giving birth etc. The youngest 3 are ours together and I have 2 from a previous. He refuses to have the snip but at 53 nearly 54 I don't see why he can't. He has shouted at me over it . I'm too scared to get pregnant again and he won't use protection. Before I got preg with my fifth I was so tired a the time from doing everything. He never helps as he thinks because he works it's ok. I told him I was tired one night he said " I get it from somewhere else then " . This hurt me . Yes muggy here still had a fifth baby. But she is beautiful and o don't regret it. When I had her I was induced and bled alot and was ill through the birth. After everything he saw me go through he was saying " I'm tired" " I'm hungry" when I go finally had her. He touched my foot briefly and said " well done". That was it. No kiss nothing. I was so upset. I said now you see me go through that maybe time to have the snip. He raised his voice and said " I told you no and i thought you was getting sterilised" . I have only slept with him a hand full of times and just want him to get the snip

OP posts:
scaevola · 26/07/2019 09:48

It's HIS best day and HIS choice.

That principle matters. For everyone.

It's not 'payback for childbirth' for the obvious biological reason that the an cannot bear DC and the woman who consents to do so has to accept those risks, irrespective of any other future issue.

Ideally, decisions about surgery for the permanent removal of fertility would be something couples discussed and came to an agreed position about.

But part of that needs to be utter respect for the integrity of a person's body and their absolute right (unless sectioned) to be the one who consents to what happens to it.

It is a shame that your DH is a shit communicator, but again that does not take away from his holiday integrity.

The answer is 'no' and you need to work out what future contraception you would be happy with (and if you want it to be his turn for reversible contraception, the only choice is condoms) or continue as you are doing and refrain from PIV sex.

Wonkybanana · 26/07/2019 09:49

That he won't get the snip is the least of your worries. He's a selfish pig.

I know it's easy to say and harder to do, but the answer is you don't have sex with him any more. And if he threatens to, or actually does, 'get it from somewhere else', then truly he's showing you - as if you needed any more evidence - just who he is.

Can you imagine life without him? In the short, medium, long term? How does it look? This doesn't sound like it's a happy relationship for you, and maybe it's time to think about alternatives.

Absa · 26/07/2019 09:50

@Michessex15 sounds like a pretty miserable situation to be in. I can't really understand why he won't get the snip - is he scared or something? I think if it's been a heated conversation recently with him shouting at you then you need to give it a few days before bringing it up again.

I'd probably refuse to have sex with him if he does t have the snip through risk / fear of getting pregnant or being very very careful with making sure you on have sex in a window that wouldn't be likely for pregnant. But this isn't going to be fun for you either - always having to be careful or not having sex when you might want it.

You need to keep working away at him to get it done, like you said you've been through lots with carrying children etc and it is a far more serious procedure for you to get sterilised than it is for him to get the snip. Stick to your guns on this one!

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

Women's health
scaevola · 26/07/2019 09:50

FFS - my keyboard hates me. Sorry for conspicuous nonsense

That post shouid have started

'It's HIS body and HIS choice'

Absa · 26/07/2019 09:52

Is the copper coil (hormone free) an option for you ? @Michessex15

stupidboyman · 26/07/2019 09:52

Your husband doesn't need the snip he needs a divorce. What a prick.

MarthasGinYard · 26/07/2019 09:52

Ugh he sounds dreadful

I'm shocked you want to sleep with a selfish pig like that at all.

Yes he should step up but he clearly won't so he'll carry on watching you sort it all.

GRIM

VikingVolva · 26/07/2019 09:53

"You need to keep working away at him to get it done"

I think this is terrible advice. Would you advice a man to pester a woman until she gave in and had an operation she didn't actually want?

Tableclothing · 26/07/2019 09:54

He refuses to have the snip

and he won't use protection.

I was tired one night he said " I get it from somewhere else then "

He's a cunt. If you want to stay in a sexual relationship with him I guess you could look at coil or diaphragm, but that seems like quite a bit 'if' to me.

Fluffycloudland77 · 26/07/2019 09:55

Why are you even with him when he tries to blackmail you into sex?.

He sounds awful.

SeaEagle21 · 26/07/2019 09:55

I don't understand your comment that you are "too old to take the Pill". Nobody is too old to take the Pill. Or you could get an implant , or a coil, or get your tubes tied. You have lots of options.

You say you want him to get the snip - I wouldn't bet on him ever doing that , so you may as well face facts and do what you need to do. I'd suggest that you see your doctor and talk about your options.

Onatreebyariver · 26/07/2019 09:55

Bloody hell.

Why are you with him? Can you afford to leave? Is this the relationship you'd want for your daughters in the future?

Noroof · 26/07/2019 09:56

Forget the snip... give him the chop

missbattenburg · 26/07/2019 09:58

Nobody is too old to take the Pill

Yes I think the might be. As I got over 30 my nurse kept urging me to consider other forms of contraception because there are health risks associated with taking the pill as you age.

Soola · 26/07/2019 09:58

I agree, it’s not about him refusing a vasectomy which is his prerogative, but about the fact he doesn’t care or cherish you.

Saying he’ll get it elsewhere shows what a complete lack of respect or love he has for you.

Personally I couldn’t stay with such an obnoxious and uncaring man. I don’t think he will be any kind of catch so if he does go elsewhere then he will be paying for it and if you are foolish enough to carry on having occasional sex with him then your health may be compromised.

He isn’t going to change.

5BlueHydrangea · 26/07/2019 09:59

He sounds delightful!
You can't force him to have surgery, he potentially has quite a few years of child producing in him yet should he feel so inclined. It's a big decision to stop that.
However, I would say no sex unless he uses a condom. Hard as it is you need to look at your relationship as a whole. He doesn't seem to have any respect for you which is a huge problem. Consider your options... being on your own with 5 kids would be hard but you'd find a way. Can't be easy living with him with this sort of attitude. Hew sounds incredibly selfish. How is he day to day with everything else?

Original poster
Michessex15 · 26/07/2019 10:00

He isn't the sort to have an affair. He said it out of frustration. As For the comments about it being his body etc. What about mine ? All that I have been through. My other post on here shows im not happy. He said he doesn't want that done to his dick. Which I get and I'm not forcing him. I have said to use condoms but he says it kills it for him. Yes I agree with you all apart from the comment about his body his choice blah blah.

OP posts:
wisewomanmummy · 26/07/2019 10:02

I was sterilised, it was keyhole surgery and I went home the next morning. No pain or discomfort, no problem.
Your body, your choice.
His body, his choice.
Good luck xx

Original poster
Michessex15 · 26/07/2019 10:02

Day to day he works hard for us all. We have great kids great house and cars. He clasges with my daughter though and does nothing around house apart from lawn mower garden once a month and puts bins out

OP posts:
5BlueHydrangea · 26/07/2019 10:04

Tell him it's not his dick they operate on its his balls....

MarthasGinYard · 26/07/2019 10:04

You said on your other thread you
'Walk on egg shells'

It's not healthy for you or your dc Op

' Nice houses' and 'cars' are immaterial.

Original poster
Michessex15 · 26/07/2019 10:05

Yes I know house and cars don't matter. My point is he provides us that he isn't seeing us go without but apart from that he is an arse

OP posts:
Eaudear · 26/07/2019 10:07

He sounds awful. Why doesn't he want to get the snip?

My DH is being a total pussy about getting a vasectomy and keeps putting it off, but it is definitely on the table and he understands that I have done my bit, and that I now refuse to go on any hormonal contraceptive (I can't now for medical reasons anyway) and I don't want a copper coil. However, after initially moaning about condoms he has got used to them again now so is putting off that GP visit!

But he has always been supportive with looking after the kids etc.

It sounds like the vasectomy isn't the only issue here?

VikingVolva · 26/07/2019 10:08

"What about mine ?"

Yes, exactly the same principle applies to you, and you should not be forced, coerced nagged or pestered into ether pregnancies or any medical procedures.

You get to consent about your body.

He gets to consent about his.

It does seem there is a wider set of relationship issues here, as noted her posters have remembered/recognised you. Perhaps those other issues are the real crux here?

Eaudear · 26/07/2019 10:08

He said he doesn't want that done to his dick.

Does he actually realise what the operation involves? I think some men honestly think that a vasectomy will make them impotent or something.