Was this grooming?

[hellotomrw]

At 16 I started talking to an older man on social media (this is back in 2006 so sm very different to now) he came and picked me up in his car, he was 22 and had just finished university working as a lawyer.

we began a sexual relationship immediately which eventually fizzled out when I met someone else. I hadn’t thought about him in years until I had my second child and the midwife caring for me had his unusual surname. That was two years ago.

I then requested my medical notes and saw her name again so did some fb stalking and yea turns out the midwife is indeed married to this man.

It made me start thinking about those few months and some of the very questionable things that happened. He said he was diabetic so couldn’t drink much but encouraged me to drink to excess and kept pouring me shots of peach schnapps at his house whilst he had maybe one or none at all. This is one of the first time we had sex. But it would happen most weekends, he would pick me up take me to his and Id stay there the whole weekend drunk for most of it and having sex with this man.

he had anal with me when I 100% remember saying no but I didn’t make a fuss about it

I was from a difficult home my single mum was an alcoholic and it was a chaotic environment so going to this mans house felt like an escape and I didn’t see it as an unbalanced relationship at the time I liked that he drove me places, bought me alcohol and pizza.

he never let me meet his family or friends and I remember at the time thinking it was odd but suited me as I didn’t want him meeting my alcoholic mother.

I don’t know why I am posting this but I just needed to get it out and don’t feel like I can talk to anyone in real life about it.

i realise I had a string of relationships with older men after this one that had similar themes. Getting me drunk and having sex, one boyfriend was only 3 years older but I went to his birthday party and somehow ended up having sex with him and two of his friends. Afterwards I convinced myself I wanted the group sex it made me feel like it was something cool women did. I felt grown up because he would buy us takeaways and knew what I liked and just silly things like that. Sounds so pathetic now. As an actual woman with a fully developed brain I feel sorry for my younger self.

Grooming, rape, SA.

Report this piece of shit. Please.

It was almost 20 years ago I don’t have any evidence though I would have told friends at the time about some of it

I had a ‘thing’ at 17 with a 34 year old co-worker and I look back and shudder.

I detest these men. Every woman has a story, or knows someone with a story.

It infuriates me.

I know it’s not all men, but it’s enough of them.

Speak to a counsellor, go through what happened, and then do what's best for you regarding whether to report it or not.

The police do listen to victims of historic abuse cases of this nature. The chances are that you were not the only person he did this to, and they may already have his name on record.

At 17 I was with a 28 year old for a while. But after him I seemed to ‘come to my senses’ and start dating boys my own age. i met my now husband at 19 and we’ve been together 16 years now. He is a wonderful man. We have two boys. Is this sort of thing still widespread or was it more of its time? I like to think attitudes have changed. No one batted an eye that I was dating much older men at such a young age in 2006/07/08

This is good advice thank you

I work in a child exploitation team, please still report it.

Please speak to rape crisis OP who can advise you further. You were raped, sexually abused, and potentially sexually exploited as well and rape crisis can advise you of your options. If you don’t want to formally report it many rape crisis organisations have partnerships with police forces where they can submit anonymous intel report on your behalf.

Unfortunately even in the 00s this kind of stuff wasn’t taken seriously and too many of us bear the scars.

Whilst posting anonymously online might be helpful, I would be cautious about this too. I posted my own story under a different username and some of the comments or ‘advice’ made me feel worse and minimised the male’s actions. So please contact a professional. Take care

Thank you

how would I even report it? Just online to the police?

Yes when I was 17 I dated a few older guys who would use me really and I met an Albanian guy at a restaurant I worked at who would guilt trip me into going out with him then staying the night. I only slept with him because I thought he would make me anyway plus it was too late to go home by then. Looking back I was such an idiot

the guys I have talked about are all white British men. I didn’t even think about the relevance of that in the current climate I guess

Gosh I met plenty of those too. Girls at my school were all dating 40 year old at age 15/16

You can report it online to police, but you may wish to contact a rape crisis’ organisation in your local area first to support you through this process and to ensure you are fully informed about what happens when you report.

Some organisations have specific services for historical incidents (the one I contacted did) although they can have long waiting lists though. They can also signpost you to other services.

I’ve recently been supported by rape crisis to make an anonymous intel report, but without their support I wouldn’t have known that option was available to me. Still considering whether to make a formal report as I would likely receive a lot of backlash if I did report but for me, having as much knowledge as possible as to what to expect is important.

Struggling to get through to rape criss last night and today does anyone know anyone else I can contact for advice?

Do they have an email option or voicemail OP?

The Survivors Trust can help you find a service or you could contact the Samaritans.

Unfortunately these services can be really busy and understaffed. Please don’t give up though someone will get back to you.