I grew up in foster care AMA!

[Ellen7262]

I grew up in foster care and was eventually adopted at 10. Ask me anything!

Ooh, thanks for doing this, I've always wondered about older children making the transition from foster care to adoption.

Were you eventually adopted by someone who fostered you? What age did you go into care, and why? How many foster carers did you have during your time in foster care? If so, did you have to move far away (and change schools) each time?

@TheVeryHungryDieter hi! I'll answer your questions in order of how it happened!

*What age did you go into foster care and why?
*
I was 3, my brother was nearly 7. Not a clue where our bio dad is, or even if we have the same dad. But our bio mum was a drug user, had a new boyfriend every week who we always had to call daddy, physical & emotional abuse. I suspect there is more but I can only really go off what my social worker & brother tell me! I didn't want to know anymore. Neighbours called the police after hearing me scream for about 4 hours non stop. When they came to the house, they found me with 3 broken ribs, a badly healed wrist fracture, a black eye, my head cut open and a concussion.

*How many foster carers did you have during your time in foster care?
*

1. One temporary when we were first taken into care, another one after my brother and I were separated, a third one after they decided they couldn't keep us separated due to the issues they were having with my brother (trying to run away to come and find me etc), and then our final set of foster parents. This was spread over 6 years.

*Did you have to move far away and change schools?
*
I think so. I don't remember much from when I was very young but I know I went to three primary schools. I was born in Hackney and ended up in Essex.

*Were you eventually adopted by someone who fostered you?
*
Yes! Our lovely parents. They couldn't have kids and decided to foster. We were placed with them when I was 8. They were never supposed to adopt us, we just fitted in really well and we all had such a strong bond. I feel very lucky that they found us 😊.

Anything else?

Ellen your story has made me well up.

I’m sorry you were so badly let down by your bio parents.

I’m so glad you were adopted by your foster parents.

What do you think could have been done better, from a care system point of view?

Oh lovely to hear your story
I am a foster carer myself and have adopted one of mine so I am v interested in hearing people's stories and experiences of the care system
So glad yours had a happy ending along with your brother x

What wonderful parents you have now!

Did/do you have attachment issues? Were you ever vile to your parents (beyond normal teenage rebellion)?

How do you think your early life experiences have affected you in terms of the way things are for you now?

Do you have any advice or hints for those with less or no experience of the care system, in the sense of, what can the average person (not fostering) do to help ensure that children in foster care, don't feel or get excluded from things?

@flapjackfairy thank you for doing that for your child, they will be eternally grateful I imagine. You're doing such a good thing and I am so thankful there are people like you.

@Cardiganandcuppa thank you for your lovely comment ❤️. Social services were aware of us before the police came, they had told my bio mum she needed to get clean else she was at risk of losing us but there was never any action taken to help her or ensure that she did get clean. They told her she wasn't to have any more men around to the house, but again nothing to enforce that. My original social worker actually lost her job as they didn't feel she had done everything in her power to prevent us being harmed further. From what I know, when she came round for the first time I was in a dirty nappy, clearly malnourished and was covered in bruises but failed to act on the evidence. There was so many things that could have been done to help but just weren't. I wouldn't even know where to begin with the system but it does need an overhaul!

I am so glad things worked out well for you!

Do you remember how you felt about being removed from your bio mum? And how did your brother feel, being older?

@CraftyGin I was a very angry teenager because I felt so different from everyone else. I wouldn't say I was ever completely vile, but there were many times I think my parents were at a bit of a loss at what to do with me because of how much anger was inside of me.

Attachment wise, I have a DD now who I am probably overly protective of! I suffered PND because I was so afraid of harming her accidentally and being as bad as my bio mum. I would say I am a lot closer to my brother too because of my upbringing, and I am very attached to him because of everything we went through. We were separated for about 6 months so that's probably why. I find it hard to get attached to people to be honest, because I'm scared of being hurt and abandoned like I was when I was a child.

Adopting my little one has been nothing but a pleasure . I think the parents get the best end of the deal . People say the kids are lucky but I see it the other way round

@LuckyTwiglet I have recently started seeing a new guy, and I'm finding it very hard to let him in. I have the same issue with friends etc as I have a wall up that nobody can knock down. I think that's why my DD's dad and I broke up. Apart from my mum, dad and my brother I don't think I've ever let anybody else in properly.

When I was younger I wasn't invited to places because people thought that I wouldn't be allowed as I was under the care of social services, but it's the opposite! I wanted to join in so badly. And a lot of parents were almost afraid of letting their child be friends with somebody in foster care? As if they expected me to be covered in lice or something. I spent a lot of my childhood feeling very isolated because of this. So probably just encouraging their kids to befriend the 'odd one out' in their class who's in the care system, chatting to the foster parents and seeing if you can set up a play date or something like that.

People say the kids are lucky but I see it the other way round

It’s funny, that’s what I always think. I have no personal experience of adoption on either side but I have two dear friends (not related to each other) who were adopted as babies. I always think how amazingly lucky their respective parents were to have such incredible children!

@Tawdrylocalbrouhaha

I don't remember physically being taken away, but I remember waking up in a hospital and there being a lovely nurse who spent a lot of time with me and comforted me. I do however remember being moved on from a really vile foster mother I had who kept us locked in a room for hours on end when she couldn't be bothered to look after us. She also beat my brother a few times. God I was so relieved. After that we were placed with my now mum and dad!

My brother doesn't often talk about it, but the few times he has he's told me how one part of him finally felt safe but then the other half of him felt scared about what was going to happen next. He also says that my bio mum wasn't bothered when we were taken away from what he remembers. He has a memory of her saying 'I didn't want them anyway' when she got told we were being removed, but he doesn't know if that's accurate since he was so young.

Do you remember how you felt about being removed from your bio mum? And how did your brother feel, being older?

@Tawdrylocalbrouhaha sorry left your question at the bottom of that reply!

@flapjackfairy @SilkeOvesen I think my parents would agree. They always say we were a godsend and they feel blessed that we were placed with them. I like to think we were all very lucky 😊

When I was about 17 I remember my mum saying 'we were always supposed to be a family, it just took us a while to find each other'

Thanks OP - this is a really interesting thread. It's particularly good to hear that you and your brother were kept together and remain close.

@Tawdrylocalbrouhaha that originally wasn't supposed to happen. Our first placements we were placed separately. I apparently became very withdrawn, was electively mute and stopped eating. He was very very naughty. The only times either of us were okay was at one of the planned contact times when we got to go to a contact centre and play together. That's when they decided they had to keep us together for our sake.

Have you got more siblings? Did your bio mum have any more kids?

@LanaorAna2 we are the only two my mum and dad have. I don't know what happened to my bio mum to be honest with you, I hope she didn't have anymore but it wouldn't surprise me if she did. I remember being told a few years ago that she tried to get us back so that she could get her child benefit started again. This was when we were first taken away though.

Thanks. You haven't ever thought of tracking her down on FB then...

Thank you for writing about your experience so eloquently OP, I’m glad things worked out well for you after such a difficult start in life. DH and I are considering adoption one day and I’d love to know what advice you have for anyone looking to adopt?

How old was your bio mum when you and your brother were removed from her care? Have you ever wanted to make contact with her?

I'm sorry you and your brother had such an awful start in life, children should never suffer like that. I'm so pleased you both found a loving family in the end, your parents sound absolutely wonderful.

@LanaorAna2 nope. Never. Maybe my bio dad one day, but we know literally nothing so I imagine that would be impossible. But I'm not ready to try and find him yet.

@pippety thank you for your lovely comment! And please do! There are so many lovely children waiting for parents.

It will be hard work, especially since so many of the children have come from horrible backgrounds. I recommend fostering first, see how you get along with that. Have an open mind, all the different stories I have come across are completely mind blowing and you really do have to be prepared to accept anything! I will ask my mum if she has any advice, and I will let you know what she says tomorrow! X

@DearMrDilkington thank you for your lovely comment! It really does make my day hearing stuff like that ❤️. She was 27 I believe, she had my brother when she was 20. The little I know of her is, she got pregnant at university, dropped out and it went downhill from there.

When I was about 15 I went through a phase of being absolutely obsessed with her, I wanted to know everything about her. Nobody knew much, which frustrated me massively. I became hell bent on 'getting revenge' for treating us so badly. Luckily my parents were so understanding and got me a counsellor who specialised in those kind of issues and it helped a lot. I don't want anything to do with her now.