Supporting my gender non-conforming daughter through puberty and trans feelings

Could you step back and see how she gets on OP? 11 is very young and she may be trying out ideas rather than committing to anything she will regret later.

Worth noting that a teen girl being uncomfortable about her developing body, particularly breasts is totally normal and the fact that she is uncomfortable with her breasts doesn't mean anything. It's mortifying needing a bra and having to be measured and so on, particularly if you develop before your peers.

Nowadays kids are told that if they are uncomfortable with their body, it's probably because they're trans, when they should be told it's because puberty is the worst.

DD is 12, also ND and has always preferred stereotypically boyish clothing, but mainly because she like soft, thick fabrics, elastic waistbands, non-restrictive and non-revealing clothing. It’s always been more sensory than gender related.

Shes let us know recently that she prefers girls too and thinks she’s gay, we said ‘cool, love whoever you love just make sure they’re good enough for you and we’ll be happy.’

She very recently started her period and in the last few days has expressed that she hates having breast and asked for a binder. I explained that binders are bad for her health, that they will be very tight, uncomfortable and most importantly can cause her damage and restrict her breathing so I had to say no but that I’d help her to find a sports bra that made her feel more comfortable. She was really nervous and reluctant to go shopping, kept shutting down the conversation or leaving the room, so I basically did a shopping haul, bought about 10 options that I thought would work, kept the receipts and put the bag in her room. The next day she gave me back the ones she didn’t like and said that the ones she had kept were good.

We've had conversations about how boys are boys and girls are girls and nothing can ever change that but that anyone can wear what they want and do their hair/makeup etc however they want as long as it’s appropriate for the situation.

Just keep plugging away. Setting good examples. Support her choices as much as you can so that when you do have to say no, it’s against a backdrop of yes mostly

They are medium control crop top style sports bras from Tesco, currently on sale for about £5 each and come in S,M,L style sizing. One has no padding, the other I removed the pads. They are quite snug, the solid feeling Lycra and have a bit of a flattening rather than boosting effect.

This is one but i can’t find the other online
https://www.tesco.com/groceries/en-GB/products/323523924

I know this isn't part of your opening post OP, but wonder if you have had contact with, or are aware of her new schools processes for someone like your DD.

Not suggesting anything alarming, but her starting there isn't far off and depending on what they say or dont say, might want to introduce it in talking to her.

In the meantime I hope all the great advice and shared experiences in reply to you are helping.

As others have said puberty can be so unsettling. It really upset me and in away I was angry I couldn't just go on being me without all these bodily things taking up my time and feeling out of sync with what my body was becoming.

A that was at a time the assumption from everyone was that I would automatically want to be more girly, feminine.

Hopefully there are now enough images, not just in sport of girls and young women who are at ease with not being that.

Missed the bit about the beach but we actually found a great solution that she felt really comfortable in for our holiday a few weeks ago, she looked great too. Got her a tankini top, just a very plain vest style one, then some men’s swim shorts in a matching colour from primark which she loved because of the coverage and pockets. She then picked a couple of loose cottony mens short sleeve shirts in complementary colours that she wore over the tankini top. She looked cool, comfortable and not overly masculine or feminine just cool.

One of my DDs was very similar. ND, early periods, hating her changing body. etc. I tried to follow a watchful waiting type of playbook, though did (mainly) use they/them pronouns, at her request. Didn't challenge her at all, but made sure there was space/examples/etc. for her to be female and not be "girly" (though she actually seemed a really typical girl in so many ways, but I think she felt quite rejected by a lot of girls because of her ND).

My philosophy was that it's generally better not to set up in opposition as I think that just pushes them to find "support" from ideological idiots online.

One thing I did was start to talk a lot about diversity and social norms in a fairly meta sense. I talked to her about my own feelings on gender - that it's something pushed on me, not something I identify with - and that you don't have to buy into all of society's norms to live within it happily. But more generally I talked to her about the role of conformity in building trust and social cohesion and how all groups use it. That if you want diversity you need tolerance and acceptance of competing views and to be able to sit with conflict and ambiguity without feeling threatened by it. Also that developing a wide variety of different friendship groups gives you the most space to be yourself.

When the binder issue came up I found queer friendly advice pages that pointed out problems with binders and recommended sports bras instead. The link I found is dead now, but there may be something similar out there if you look.

She also had OCD and depression, the signs of which were there before the gender issues. I put time in finding therapists who would deal with the depression and OCD without seeing it as coming from her gender issues. I really wanted to avoid her getting therapy for gender issues as I suspect that really just reinforces it. It wasn't hard, most wanted to avoid gender issues and refer me elsewhere I just needed to convince them the the gender issues weren't a problem - which the not setting ourselves up in opposition to it helped - and put them down to her ND instead, which they were used to dealing with. I wish I'd tackled the therapy very differently as it happens, but not because of the gender issues. And this was in the US, so may be less relevant.

Over time it got more intense until she hit about 14 and then it started to ease up. She's 17 now and much more comfortable in her self. She's stopped using they/them pronouns and refers to herself as female/a girl. But does still say she's gender fluid, if asked.

Emma Pickett has a puberty book focused on breasts. It’s called the breast book and aimed at this age group. There is a chapter about being a trans man (but can skip if you want)

I like that the main focus is on what breasts are for…. Feeding babies and the cool way they do that. The aim is make young people feel confident about their breasts.

Have you used the words ‘gender non conforming’ with her? ‘You’re gender non conforming, like loads of cool people . There are lots of gender non conforming lesbians, you’re a free thinker, not buying into categories and boxes that are fashionable, but finding your own way to who you want to be’ etc.

I dislike labels and boxes, but kids need a tribe and better that it’s a healthy one than the trans bandwagon.

I can’t help with any of the real issues OP, but as an alternative to bras, could you get vests with built in support? Uniqlo do a wide range. One of my DDs has completely gone over to these (she says it suits her lazy personality - she only has to put on one item of clothing, rather than the effort of putting on two!).

Edit to add question mark.

I suffered from gender dysphoria from being a young child and transitioned once I turned 18. Due to my persistence and outcome, I don't know whether you will welcome my advice but I thought I would offer it anyway in case it is of any help.

I'd say avoid imposing any gender stereotypes on her and let her dress in boy's clothes and pursue traditionally male interests if that is what suits her. Regarding support, maybe a practical sports bra would be more acceptable to her than a traditional bra?

Ask her about her feelings and what makes her feel she is trans and listen openly and without judgement. Gently but regularly reinforce the notion that girls can do, like and be anyone they want to be and that she isn't restricted by her sex.

If she starts talking about physical interventions then obviously that is worrying but I think it's important you remain calm and measured in response. You could say something like 'I understand you feel very strongly about this but I think we need to do some research first'. Then you could explain the risks associated with puberty blockers once armed with the facts and why she must wait until she is fully grown.

Let her know that you love her and will always love her regardless of how she identifies, dresses or presents herself. Make it clear you want what is best for her and while you might disagree on some topics, you are only motivated by what is in her best interests.

Encourage her to find activities she finds joy in. Particularly if you have restricted access to devices, find hobbies or activities to fill the gaps in her time. Outdoor sports and activities are particularly calming and therapeutic for almost all young people.

Let her know that puberty is a difficult time for everybody and feeling uncomfortable and out of sorts with your body is a very common experience. Explain how most people become more comfortable with the changes as they get older and it's a matter of patience and self acceptance.

Regardless of the topic of conversation, try to approach it with openness and genuine curiosity regarding why she thinks or feels a certain way. I understand the desire to immediately push back on issues you find problematic but it's important to keep lines of communication open. You want to prevent her becoming defensive, shutting down and refusing to speak to you about what is on her mind.

Wishing you the best.

You have time and parental power on your side.

Get her offline, find an activity you can do together, immerse yourselves in it. I wish I’d taken it as seriously at this age because it gets harder as they get older.

Present it as a family change - we are all spending too much time on devices so are doing XYZ about it.

Spend as much 1:1 time as you can. Share her interests, learn about them. Be her go-to buddy.

What they share is usually the tip of the iceberg. Do not dismiss it. Good luck.