Trans Widows' Escape Committee 6: The Next Generation

I feel you totally there and I’m also in the states. I wouldn’t recommend you deny pronouns or teach her any differently in your case. That doesn’t mean you need to refer to her as mommy. Maybe just start referring to her as whatever the new first name is. “Mommy is so happy you are home! Did you have a nice visit with Jane?”. I don’t see how that could be seen as not being gender confirming.

My child is 9 so wasn’t going to make this change without me being on board. So my ex is Daddy with she/her pronouns if my kid remembers. I will not correct pronouns but my ex will. I let my child say whatever. Sometimes he calls me he and I don’t get butt hurt so not sure why my ex should! I try myself to avoid the use of pronouns all together. I use the first name. Think of it as a game. How can you rearrange your sentences to refrain from pronoun uses.

Family court I’m paying mine support to masquerade around even though he works full time and I have slightly more than 50%. My state thinks I should supplement her income. So I get that travesty. Document everything. Don’t be hostile in text ever. See if you can get legal financial help. A lawyer helps. I’m playing this wait and refile game also. Get on all the therapy lists you can. Try for an occupational therapist. Don’t expect they will support you in custody but it shows you are the more custodial parent. Is Dad trying?

Suggest to the speech therapist that the names are seemingly confusing. Ask her if she has worked with other “modern” families and if they perhaps picked new names for the transitioning parent. Maddie is common. Close to Daddy and a feminine name also. This new Daddy sounds like a stranger. When she is in therapy suggest to the therapist you are concerned about using the name Daddy for men who continue to disappear from your child’s life. What happens when Dad moves on from him. He is nothing to her. Maybe he needs a new name so she doesn’t associate daddy with a man who comes in and out of her life at will? Remember when dealing with professionals keep any statements about your feelings out. They don’t need to know. Only interests about your child.

Thank you for the support! So, here's the rub... Our daughter is three. At one she stopped talking it took me about a year to get her into speech therapy. I don't know how it works in other areas but in the states sometimes it takes awhile to get help.

She didn't start calling me "ma," until she was about two and a half. Later it changed to "ma ma." Now, it's whatever Ma, Mommy, Momma... Makes me smile when I hear it.

Her biological father started demanding that she call him "Mommy, ma ma, Mom, Mother..." Every variation... He started referring to his boyfriend as "Daddy," around her at the age of one. I brought this issue up to my speech therapist and they basically said that if I try to change it, it might confuse her even more...

Fast forward to now and she's three and she just got back from her bio father's where she spent 50 consecutive days. Now she says, "I have two mommies!" And talks about, "my other momma." And calls her bio dad's boyfriend "daddy." Obviously, she was taught this and it wasn't a natural occurrence.

Even though my ex can chose to visit he doesn't. We live 1000+ miles away from each other. So, I do allow for the occasional phone call. Our child is so confused because it isn't video so she says, "Oh hi Daddy." Because my ex's voice is still deep and hasn't changed despite him going on and on about being on hormones. He corrected her and said, "It's mommy!"

I'm looking into therapy for our child but the waiting list is over a year long. So... I just don't know what to do. She's already very confused and I don't want to confuse her even more. She's only three.

Plus, I have to be very careful about the subject. Again, I don't know how it is in different areas but the family court system in the states is terrible. If I teach her to reject his pronouns and what not I could end up losing her. However, if I wait six months I can file to modify custody so that he has less contact if he continues to not have physical contact with her. It's a coin toss though and honestly depends on the judge. I could go on and on about how bad the system is... But I'd make one very, very long post. Short answer, victims of domestic violence are not protected here and in family court abusers gain custody all the time.

I’m sorry you are also left in this horrid spot of having to “celebrate” someone who was abusive. I feel your anger also and it is justified. These men destroyed our lives and are doing their best to mess up our kids lives and they are somehow out on a pedestal for it. It is total bullshit.

I wouldn’t let mine take the mommy title. I put my foot down there. When he tried I just said Daddy just have been mistaken because I’m your mommy. But since daddy keeps changing names I can see how it would be confusing and if Daddy wants you to use the new first name that’s up to Daddy. But Daddy is not Mommy! Silly Daddy that’s my name!

Hi.

I started a thread in the other forum and was directed here. I'm not sure if I consider myself a transwidow or not... My ex was very abusive, for an explanation I have given some examples here...

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/womens_rights/4888627-removed-from-a-dv-support-group-due-to-trans-issues-talk-of-abuse-warning

My ex transitioned, well even that's up for debate, after I left the relationship. However, it's not like I lost anyone because the man he was before wasn't real. None of it was ever real... I've read some things from other trans widow websites and there's some similarities between those women and me.

He started off doing drag but I did drag too. It was hilarious fun until he made no so fun. I mean, I'm one of those nerds that wears a costume at Halloween and goes to science fiction conventions in costume. Drag was just another act for me.

Yeah, he stole my clothes and I hated it. Waste of a $180 half bodice for ren fest. He stole my make up until he spent a ridiculous amount of money for his. Honestly, I believe this is just another mask for him to wear until he gets tired of it or until he is done with his current supply.

I hate having to heal while still dealing with him. Our child who is three now says, "I have two mommies!" If I were a lesbian I wouldn't care but I'm not. My ex calls his boyfriend our child's daddy and so that's what she calls him... I worry about how this all will effect her later.

She just came back from a 50 day extended summer visitation. I was supposed to have two weekends and he only let me have one. "You should just stay away and leave us alone." He said. I'm her mother and sometimes I don't feel like it because he is literally trying to replace me.

I know what that sounds like. Crazy right? But it's true... He never asks or discusses, there's no compromise no allowing the natural progression or for adaptation for me or our child. In the beginning it was "not his job," to care for our child it was mine "because you wanted her! You're her mother." Now, several years later it's devolved to, "stop abusing my child I will keep her safe far away from you. I am her mother. Child support is extortion and you will do as I say or I will take my daughter away from you." Followed by a massive amount of insults...

I wonder if it will ever stop? I wonder if I will ever be able to say, "F'off I am not celebrating my abusers life path!" Without a ton of extremists screaming insults at me mostly from behind a computer screen? Or a confused cop calls me or shows up for a welfare check late at night and I have to explain ALL over again. Or when a judge is confused and it effects the process... Or our child's preschool or her doctor... I shouldn't have to take this on. Our daughter shouldn't!

I know... Just wait. He'll stop eventually. I guess then he'll be a detransitioner and I'll be forced to celebrate that too? Sigh. If I sound a bit angry and tired, it's because I am... Sorry for the long rant. I just have very few people to talk to that can relate.

what held them back from seeing him?

Getting out definitely helps. Space offers a lot of healing. Therapy is helping too.

I have a few friends I can be open with but I unfortunately lost others in this. I have my son who I am staying strong for. This was really hard on him.

Welcome Damaya. You've had a really raw deal financially and legally. You really haven't been heard, and many of us on here have felt a profound need to tell our stories, truths and lived experience. The timing is poor for women whose partners have done this in the last few years because of the surge in cheerleading for transitioning, making us even more isolated. I hope the fact that you have escaped helps, and that you can start to make your own life. His behaviour is appalling and I hope you have food friends and family around you?

You have suffered a terrible blow, but as long as you remember you are the victim and your husband was a bastard and a crook you will be able to relate to another man in the future. Just remember never to gaslight yourself. Be upset and angry and work through your feelings gradually, knowing they're deep.

We went to a marriage therapist (I think of him as a terror-pist now) when he first came out who told me I was a lesbian because I had fallen in love with my husband and my husband had always been a woman and just didn’t fully acknowledge it! I’ve heard this a few times now from others and it is just so wild to me! This was my marriage ending moment. I knew I wasn’t a lesbian (nothing against lesbians but I’m not one and this man wasn’t going to tell me I was).

Bloody hell! Talk about gaslighting! 😡

Just saying hi. I’m in the US and was invited here after reaching out to the trans widows page. I found them on YouTube was interested in more support. I’m really needing support as I feel so alone and silenced.

I finalized my divorce with my ex husband this year after he came out as male to female transgender. This was my partner of 22 years and a 15 year marriage. He was my high school sweetheart and I came from a very traumatic childhood and we moved out together. Now at 40 I am starting over and I can’t trust my judgement in men. I can’t get a fresh start from him because we share a child together and my state being very liberal has deemed it in my (special needs) child’s best interest to have equal time with “Dad”. My sons Daddy chose to come to his elementary school dressed as a “sexy witch” for Halloween last year. That is what my state thinks is in my child’s best interest. My son has autism and can’t even totally pick up on the looks from others but I can.

Because I make more money I pay child support to my ex husband even though he has full time employment because my state feels I should supplement “her” income. They don’t consider I am disabled, did not instigate the change that shattered our lives or the costs that I have to pay for my and my child’s therapy to try to recover from this change and the ongoing psychological damage. We are struggling!

I don’t know I can ever fully recover but I am feeling some positive energy reading others stories. I can never feel like I have a voice. No one wants to hear how this impacts families and ruins lives. They only care about my spouse who was a shitty abusive alcoholic husband even during the marriage! At one point his online purchases had the DEA come to our home. He put holes in our walls during his rages and damaged our property to frighten me.

We went to a marriage therapist (I think of him as a terror-pist now) when he first came out who told me I was a lesbian because I had fallen in love with my husband and my husband had always been a woman and just didn’t fully acknowledge it! I’ve heard this a few times now from others and it is just so wild to me! This was my marriage ending moment. I knew I wasn’t a lesbian (nothing against lesbians but I’m not one and this man wasn’t going to tell me I was).

So sorry Dadhouse and Beeflin. Very similar themes connect us - betrayal, loss, estrangement and their oblivion to the feelings of others.

He rocked up in very casual shorts and football shirt but with what I can only describe as attention seeking nipples.
It was rather a sight in a sea of elderly smart outfits.

I'm lucky that although we have parents in common and a shared understanding of our childhood, we could have no need for further discussion. It makes me sad, and angry that over the years we've made excuses, and allowances for his actions but he couldn't even put others first at a fairly major life event, it had to be about him.

It's undermined the past, I don't recognise what he is saying and I can't trust him.

My heart goes out to you all with closer ties to your significant person. So hard to explain to ourselves, let alone others we are responsible for.

Thank you but I can't blame us - we sweated as much as any parents to give them support and love. I blame some right bastards among famous and powerful AGPs for creating this hatred to further their narcissism. Credit and blame where it's due!

So sorry @Dadhouse , presumably it's because your father has died that he now feels able to come out with it (all about him!). He couldn't even wait a decent length of time before saying it

Blimey Dadhouse hes picked his fucking moment hasnt he
Sorry about your dad

Sorry @beeflin I feel so sad that these young girls aren't proud to be women. I'm not sure how we'd have fitted it in but we've definitely failed to make the next gen feel privileged to be female hence them rejecting the awesomeness that is being a kick ass, womb bearing, oestrogen producing human.

My brother, on the eve of my dad's funeral has just announced to my mum he's always felt like a woman.
Subsequently, he's phoned distant relatives to really spread the news.
He was in Brighton in the 90s shagging everything in a skirt, don't remember any laundry between conquests or exploration of his feminine side then.
Not at all interested in supporting siblings during the child rearing times. Very pub culture football lad orientated.
He has managed to out narcissist my mum which is quite an achievement. I absolutely think this is the key to it, attention was slipping and it just wasn't enough to be the unemployed golden child with a functional alcohol problem. Had to explore something new.

Hi, I'm a trans-bereaved father (my adult daughters think that saying they're boys but knowing I know they're girls is a good enough reason never to speak to me again) and stand with you ladies in not accepting the destruction of family and reputation done by the trans cult.

Re name of thread, isn't there a Star Wars film called 'Revenge of the Si(x)th?

I caught this article in the Observer. It's about financial abuse as a facet of coercive control. Transgenderism isn't mentioned but I think the points raised, the information given are applicable and I hope it will be helpful

https://www.theguardian.com/society/2023/sep/03/he-took-every-penny-the-women-left-with-a-debt-mountain-by-coercive-partners

From reading this thread and the website, I would call it abusive too (have been in emotionally and financially abusive marriage).

Tinsel, I heard you on a recent WRN podcast and was struck by you saying that many trans widows’ experiences are similar to domestic abuse. Reading the posts on here, it seems to me that this is domestic abuse - emotional, sexual, psychological, financial and sometimes physical - just with a new twist. I’d be interested to know how many trans widows have approached domestic abuse organisations (and if so what support they got) or whether it never occurred to them to go to DA services.

I am not a trans widow, but have personal experience of an abusive marriage and am so admiring of what you have set up here. Courage to all of you, whatever stage of the trans widow journey you are at, and please keep fighting for recognition of what this new trans trend is doing to women and children: the narrative needs changing.

This is it though. I have small children, ailing elderly family, a full time job and a house to take care of. I don't have time to sit down and start navel-gazing!