Hello everyone,
Not sure if this goes here but... Here we go. I'm a 40+ single mother of a three year old. I left an extremely abusive relationship of six years when she was a year old. It was bad...
Just to give you a bit of what happened... When our child was about a month old my ex forced me into the garage and held me there for several hours. I can't remember if I took the baby monitor or if he handed it to me but he did make sure that I had it. I begged and pleaded to be let back into the house. Our child was screaming... He's over a foot taller than me. At one point I attempted to push him away and he body checked me. I fell onto his precious sports car and he screamed at me for it. His reasoning for keeping me there was to "talk," about our relationship issues. He did this about three or four times in total. If I didn't go he would scream and wouldn't let me breast feed our child or would push and push and wouldn't stop. If I threatened to leave, or started to, he wouldn't let me call anyone and he wouldn't let me take the baby.
During pregnancy he was gone most of the time. However, I had a very high risk pregnancy. He would berate me the entire time when bringing me too and from the doctor's office. He would say, "You don't thank the oven you thank the chef," as a joke to anyone listening. He would tell all kinds of terrible jokes... "What do you call a woman with one black eye... har, har, har..." His hatred of women was very clear.
He would wake us both up at odd hours during the night by ahem having very loud alone time... Or turning on the lights and throwing open the closet door to "look for something." I wasn't allowed to have any money even though for the first two years I was financially supporting us. I kept twenty dollars from a card my mother sent me and he called it "stealing."
If you know, you know and if you don't I pray you never do.
When I escaped I took our child with me. My plan was to file for legal custody, I'm in the US. He quickly filed before me and with an attorney. He was always threatening to involve an attorney and he went through with it. A week after I was gone he moved in the man he had been cheating on me with during my entire pregnancy and after. No, he's not gay. He's bisexual.
A little bit before the first hearing took place he messaged me and demanded that I start calling him by female names and demand that I teach our daughter. When I asked if we could let it happen more naturally he blew up and started insulting me. "terrible mother, transphobic, homophobic..." And so on. Our child was already calling him, "da da." After the first visitation she stopped talking, I did get her into speech therapy later. My ex also demanded ALL of the female pronouns. I asked him if he could please pick one he refused and insulted me again.
I am now treated like a surrogate even though I have our daughter 85% of the time. He has admitted to wanting to take her from me and has stated that child support is extortion. I still have to endure post separation abuse. Welfare checks, some very late at night. Harassment, phone calls and messaging constant insults.
So... Before I had a one on one therapist I tried to find group therapy from a domestic violence organization. After the second virtual meeting I was told that I needed to call my ex abuser by she/her pronouns or stop attending. No one else in the group cared and I addressed others by their pronouns. However, I don't believe that I should have to respect this person's pronouns.
It doesn't matter if he is transgender or not. It doesn't matter that he lies about taking hormones or that he doesn't try passing or that he calls his boyfriend our child's daddy. It doesn't matter what he does and who he sleeps with or that he still hates women... I shouldn't be forced to call him by his chosen pronoun.
And if another person says, "Oh honey you just don't understand the trans issue and what they deal with. Let me get you a book or point you to this organization." I'm going to scream, loudly. I don't care what people call themselves and what they believe in or don't believe in as long as it's not hurting others... One of my good friends was trans and she didn't have the opportunity to transition before passing. She was like a grandmother to me and my ex refused to let me go to her funeral.
I will not celebrate my abuser.