Should I do both bedtimes

I don't have any experience with ND children but do have some of non sleeping kids - my now 11 yr old didn't sleep a full night until he was 6 and even now he needs someone sitting with him to go to sleep.

Before anyone says that we should knock it on the head, try being in the situation yourself knowing your child needs you for comfort, security and feeling safe.

Anyway the one thing we've found really helpful and we're down to only having to be in the room 30 mins now are audio books. We started with Mrs Honeybee on YouTube which are meditation sleep stories but then we now listen to the same five actual audio books on repeat on rotation. They're chapter books, so quite long. My ds is word perfect on them but it's familiar and he just switches off as the narrator has a slow soothing voice..

My DH falls asleep on his nights but I make sure I listen to podcasts or something to keep me awake.

Good luck and I hope you all get some sleep soon.

I will never forget DH coming downstairs after changing and dressing baby DD and saying to me, "Have you noticed how she doesn't cry when you pull her clothes over her head?". And I had.

We had NO idea how competely abnormal so many of DS' responses were because we'd had no previous experience. And when other people saw them, they always just assumed it was a once off or a bad moment or that he'd "grow out of it".

I thin probably one of the few times my sister actually "got" the challenges with DS was when she babysat him once and he had a night terror. She'd never experienced anything like it and was clearly quite traumatised by the entire experience - and couldn't fall back on her not officially stated but we all knew view that we were jst not doing things right.

My elder is ND and my younger is NT and I had the same thought - I had no idea how easy it could be. Of course my son has his own things and of course there are challenges, but there are consistencies that are possible with an NT child and a clear direction of travel whereas my daughter is still something we are figuring out (and she's 13). She's not a great sleeper still but now she just gets up and reads for a bit etc. She still comes into my bed now and again and she still needs a lot more support than most teenagers probably do (I think! I don't really know)

Anyway, I think I'd focus on figuring out how to help your toddler and support your autistic child in other ways. Sleeping is a tricky thing for most (melatonin didn't work for us but it's worked for a lot of people we know so worth chatting to your GP about it. Definitely do it legally of course)

Has DH tried magnesium glycinate? It’s the only thing that helps me get back to sleep after night wakes with DS. I’m normally an “up for the night” person but it’s been a dream supplement for me.

I also think that if co sleeping works, do it. And again, with our DS, one thing we found when he was about this age was that the security of knowing that he would be spending the entire night with me/DH, did, over time, make him more able to sleep alone.

He's 15 now and he still struggles with sleep a bit - and has things he does for himself to try help like white noise, melatonin, a strict sleep hygiene schedule etc - but I often feel that us not FIGHTING with him about it all the time was the biggest benefit. But lots and lots of family and friends, and definitely people like Tortephant, thought we were "creating a rod for our own back".

I think this is key really,

No, he’s not able to fall back asleep after he wakes at 2am.

sleep hygiene is an important point.

Could you ask for support from early help with getting your toddler into a better sleeping pattern … so she ain’t waking during the night .
then the demand of your ND son could be better addressed .

sounds like some outside support and guidance would be beneficial .

I'm really sorry, you sound so tired!

My daughter is autistic so I know you can't really plan around things changing in that direction. I would be focussing on (1) creating a place for your husband and son to just sleep comfortably together in the short to longer term and (2) working on the toddler's sleeping as it doesn't sound like it's going well either. It feels to me like if you had one easy child (if possible) the rest would feel a bit more manageable. You shouldn't need to take a 1 year old outside to walk around to sleep - do you need to cut naps or start bedtime later or something else? My son didn't and doesn't have a lot of sleep needs so by 1 was down to a max hour nap in the day and a (I think!) 730pm bedtime - he'd sleep through until 5/6 or so but if he had a longer nap it all went terribly. So you might be able to do something to fix a different problem and give you all a bit more sleep.

I’m not “having a go”
I was asking a question. I genuinely don’t understand why let an issue of any sort go on for 10 years, or why a 10yr old needs a Co-sleeper.
An no, I don’t have an ND child. It’s a new thing that didn’t exist in my era of children.

I would say this too although threshold to get it can be high. GP can usually refer you to a sleep specialist.

I'm about to do the same, DC same age still wakes in night and can take a long time to settle

Prescription is best- pediatrician. I would not get anything online.

This sounds so hard OP and I'm really sorry you are getting some totally unsympathetic responses. You sound like an amazing Mum.
Co-sleeping sounds like a good option for your DH and DS, I can understand the reluctance if it feels like a step backwards but ultimately you need to do what works for now and see if that improves rest for all of you. Perhaps give it a timeline of 6 weeks and then re-evaluate how it feels?
If you DH and DS are better rested and able for work and school then that is worth a huge amount. I know independent sleep in the goal and everyone will be telling you tales of rods for your own back etc. but you are doing your very best in challenging circumstances, there is nothing wrong with doing what works for now.

Hello again. I think you might get a better response on the SEN board as you will find lots of parents with ND kids need to help them regulate and wind down for bed. Does he have any support with communication so you can find out whether he has particular anxiety?

If you want to try melatonin it's available to buy online (it's an OTC med in the US for jetlag). In the UK it's usually only prescribed by psychiatrists (ie CAMHS rather than GP).

I don't think you can stop your son napping in the taxi after school but maybe you can try some later bedtimes (but still calm) if you know he's likely to have had a nap? (And just accept that he goes to be at 10pm and there's no "adult" time while you're in this stage?)

The one thing I would try and encourage you with is that ND children don't develop typically but they do develop so ride it out however you can and be ready to roll with the punches.

Sending love

Can't you wake your DH up at 11pm or whatever so that he goes to bed properly at that point?

Or your DH should like with DS but not actually sleep - take a phone or tablet to read/watch something?

Otherwiseyes, just accept they have to co sleep properly together and make it suitably comforable.

PS with DS (ADHD, SPD) ironically, going to bed later helped us a bit (it was a bit of a fine line though so I can't give you a definitive solution) but the act of taking forever to fall asleep caused additional stress so putting him to bed LATER, with a quicker process to fall asleep helped all of us.

How long does your DS take to get to sleep normally? Could you go wake DH up so he doesn't sleep too long?

I agree that you should consider having a set up so whoever puts DS to sleep can just stay there all night if needed. OR DH puts the toddler to bed. It sounds like you'll spend 2 hrs every evening lying in dark rooms if you do both bedtimes, and surely that's not sustainable either.