AIBU to things my husbands ex wife needs to accept that we are now one family.

And also why a woman with a 2/3 month old baby is so keen on having her two teenage stepsons round all the time when this generates extra work for her in terms of meals (and doubtless mess), even to the point that she gives them lifts home (involving huge palaver of getting baby into the car) when it's close enough to walk.

I wondered about this too

You have indeed done nothing wrong OP, you are entitled to have a baby and it's nice that your step children are comfortable at your home and want to stay with you so much.

Let your husband deal with his Ex. I'd just live your life.

OP firstly, congrats on your baby. Secondly I'm sorry for some of the nasty comments I've read- hardly supportive of a new mum navigating her way through the early stages of motherhood. My parents divorced when I was around 10 and I acquired two step siblings on one side and later a half sibling on the other. I think a new baby is difficult in a blended family, in this case it might have been what the ex was hoping for when they were together,or it might be that she has never viewed you guys as a family unit until now and that might have been painful or a bit of a shock, especially when her own family unit (her dc) has migrated to be part of yours, albeit on a temporary basis with all the excitement of the new baby. The fact that you can see it's hard for her is a credit to you. As you say, you don't need to become her best friend to support her but maybe engage a bit of sensitivity as appropriate. I'm really disappointed with all the comments about money when being a parent is so much more. Well done for building a relationship with his dc. As I say I gained 3 siblings where I had been an only child. I can't say I felt any less loved or had any less than when my parents were together, i'm sure that will be the case for your family too. Try not to judge the ex too harshly, you don't know their journey or hers since. Her feelings and how she deals with them are her own, and as long as they don't negatively impact you just try to ride it out with grace for the sake of your step children. I'm sure you'll all be fine in time

Trust me, if any of this was true the OP would have volunteered that info.

Depend how the relationship break up. I know thst i will be very upset if my ex husband were to have more kids since one of his reson for breaking up was that he did not want any kids and i forced them into him. I never knew he did not want any kid until he brike up with me. You think he should have told me after the first one but no wait until 3 to tell me he did not want any of them.

its not usual to become friends with a partners ex. As long as you’re polite that’s adequate.

How do you know that he discarded his ex it could have been her who discarded him.

i am still chuckling at the way the original post was written! ‘Welcomed’ ‘ announced’. …

I'm not entirely sure that OP was dictating anything, was she? It came across to me that she was caring.

The Op said the ex "needs to accept", which is saying how she needs to react.

I actually think you’re secretly lapping it up! If you want to help parent someone else’s children and be fair to their mother then be firm! I’m not surprised she’s devastated that her children want to spend so much time at yours. Stop making excuses about it being their choice where they spend time! They’re children!

Is your house nicer, are you wealthier? Sorry if this has already been said

I think people are forgetting on here that you have a baby with him too. You have a son! He has a son! People going on about money, so what if he pays less he has another child! Should that child miss out because he’s got 2 siblings? Honestly 🤦🏻‍♀️. That being said I do get how she’s feeling but the baby is here now so she needs to suck it up abit.

My first thought would be that's less time and money for our children.

You are also asking us to make a judgement without knowing all the facts. If, for example, you persued a married man with children, then she may simply think you do not deserve motherhood.

She may also be feeling depressed, lonely, vulnerable. The one person who was meant to be her constant in her life is now with you. And now her kids are increasingly with you too.

I think you need to have more compassion.

I think the truth is you get great stepmums and appalling stepmums; you get some resentful ex wives and you get some who couldn't be happier to be shot of the DH. Some marriages will have ended because of the DH;s behaviour, and some because of the DW.

I don't know why these threads always become a case of not reading and responding to the OP. If some posters say the OP is behaving badly as a SM, there are those who leap in, fingers-in-the-ears style, and say don't listen to a word: it is "just anti-SM sentiment." Life isn't that simple and you can't generalise about someone because of the title of their role in the picture. You can't be on the side of stepmums or one the side of first wives "as a rule," because that isn't how life works. There are no "always like this" formulae.

What I think you CAN generalise about a little more is that families are tricky and blended families are that much more tricky because of the overlaid tensions of comparisons of households, comparisons of how dc end up faring vis a vis their step or half-siblings, the fact that often one partner - not always the ex DW by any means - was more disappointed by the marriage ending than the other, so there becomes issues of replacement, and for second wives the lingering spectre of what went before. All of these extra complications mean blended families tend to be harder and more complicated to navigate, and I think being aware if these tensions and acknowledging them and giving them space is far healthier than looking at things from a very superficial "oh, it is all totally normal, I know lots of blended families, people just need to get over it/move on" sort of analysis. I think it is highly likely the boys are feeling a little insecure in the new set-up. Maybe that was fed by the ex but maybe it wasn't. In any case, it is very early days in the life of the new baby, and rather than pressing for any sort of decision about whether the ex "needs to accept," I think the OP should just focus on her baby and not be casting judgment as others adjust.

Good grief I’m so sorry you’re getting such a hard time on the post , you can’t win with this…the kids turn up you send them back to mum & you’re an evil witch keeping them away from their dad & baby brother, you let them stay for food and take them back to mum you’re trying to kidnap them or something.
F*uck knows where all the talk of money came from, think a few of the comments are coming from people who may be projecting their own situations on to yours.
Can you ALL , kids their mum & your husband have a lunch and discuss the plan moving forward, make it clear you love spending time with them but it’s important to start establishing a routine…you won’t be on mat leave forever & like you say the novelty will soon wear off.
Good luck

I was just making the point to the ones going on that on here it's 'always' X and Y and Z about the father and stepmother and how hypocritical MN is, that there are just as many who also stereotype and generalise about the ex wife on here but they conveniently don't mention that, and are in fact being very hypocritical themselves!

Yes, sorry, I know you were. I was sort of building on your comment if that makes sense!

@QuirkyRoseLion hasn’t been back. It’s all bullshut. No point debating any of it 🤷‍♀️

Someone pointed out new mothers don't post for nine hours on a forum when they have a 2 month old baby to nurse.
She disappeared 10 minutes later and hasn't returned.😆

Ah so you find women who took vows with men that they had children with, who were later abandoned, funny, do you? Hope you’re proud of your nasty remark.

This is such a perfect summary

And how do you know she was “abandoned?” Simple: you DON’T.

Are you proud of your assumptions based on absolutely nothing? Somehow, I think you might be bitter and ignorant enough to be proud of things you can’t prove.