AIBU to things my husbands ex wife needs to accept that we are now one family.

OP there are a lot of feelings with blended families. I say that as a step parent.

I can see mums point of view, I can see your point of view. I suspect their mum has reached out to their dad for support, because despite being separated they should still actively coparent.

I see this perhaps more from mums point of view as my DH has previously reached out to SS mum to try and work together on a few points and it wasn’t successful (SS went through a difficult period after his mum broke up with her husband and lost her sister suddenly whilst SS was there of almost becoming his mums protector and didn’t ever want to leave her) until such time as he began school refuse and then she wanted DHs support and, since he turned a teen, has seen the value in working together.

Teens are, not that they mean to be, inherently selfish, it’s part and parcel of them growing up. What their mum is searching for, I suspect, is for your DH to sit the kids down and say ‘it’s always lovely to see you and I love spending time with you and you are always welcome here, but have you also thought that you might need to speak to your mum about how she’s feeling about seeing less of you and you not always turning up for tea’. Mum then also needs to take responsibility for telling the boys how she’s feeling and talking to them too.

Admittedly it doesn’t help that they are boys. Boys do have a developmental stages where they block out their mum and turn more toward their dads (when the strong bond with dad is still there) and their friends as a natural part of development/growth.

The bottom line is they should spend time with their sibling, it’s lovely that they want to, it’s wonderful you have formed a good blended family, but dad is also still responsible for guiding his children, who are still teens, not yet adults, to be considerate individuals and working with their mother to make them think about her would also be a good way to do that right now. As inconvenient as her feelings might be, she has a right to feel how she wishes, we can’t erase others feelings for our own convenience and her feelings are understandable but, equally, as with all things, communication is the best way forward.

I think she meant the children were abandoned - and when one parent leaves the home, they are, up to a point.

@IngridsLittleToe Total bollocks, do you know the situation personally? How do you know OP's husband 'discarded' his old family?

Perhaps the ex-wife had an affair, perhaps she left him?

Why the automatic assumption that he must be the bad one, because he's dared to move on?

Unless the 1st wife is causing problems or acting psycho its a nothing burger. She can feel what she wants, even if she initiated the divorce she could be having pangs of regret that it all went wrong. I dont know why but you sound a bit smug and seem to over emphasise that its the teenagers who want to hold feed or play with the baby. As a 1st wife I find my husbands wife a pain in the butt, she has an opinion on everything and guards my ex like a rottweiler. I have no interest in him or her and now my children are adults its a relief not to have to deal with her weird behaviour.

You are supposed to actually hold a boundary and say they need to go to their Mums house sometimes - if they said they’d prefer to never see your partner you’d still expect their mum to facilitate his access, wouldn’t you?

Also, when are they doing their homework with all this baby-visiting? They will need to study afterschool everyday and also for a large chunk of half terms etc to get good GCSEs, is their Dad on top of that?

Have you thought that the stepchildren are coming round all the time are doing so because they are concerned about being displaced?
I dont understand why you say the children will not be disadvantaged? I mean their inheritance has been divided up for a start!

I've asked OP about this twice and she hasn't responded to either of my posts. That makes me think that there is a significant wealth disparity between the two households and that their mum's home is obviously less swanky than OP's home.

As both children are in private school, it's likely that they are too embarrassed about their mum's much more modest home to invite their friends over to her house. It's obvious that their father has a lot more money to pay for expensive hobbies, which are all based around his home.

As OP has responded to the majority of questions posed by posters on this thread, it's odd that she has swerved this question three times.

@QuirkyRoseLion I think you are doing the right thing and so is the mum . The kids are being put first here . Can you imagine saying to them to stop coming so much, They would then feel left out and possibly start to resent the new baby .
Their mum can say she misses them or let it ride out . Dad can say to kids we love having your here but your mum will be missing you so maybe just half an hour after school then home to see your mum . The children sound comfortable and happy and that’s what it’s about .

Are you proud of your assumptions based on absolutely nothing? Somehow, I think you might be bitter and ignorant enough to be proud of things you can’t prove.

And how do you know she was “abandoned?” Simple: you DON’T.

This is such a perfect summary

Ah so you find women who took vows with men that they had children with, who were later abandoned, funny, do you? Hope you’re proud of your nasty remark.

Someone pointed out new mothers don't post for nine hours on a forum when they have a 2 month old baby to nurse.
She disappeared 10 minutes later and hasn't returned.😆

@QuirkyRoseLion hasn’t been back. It’s all bullshut. No point debating any of it 🤷‍♀️

Yes, sorry, I know you were. I was sort of building on your comment if that makes sense!

I was just making the point to the ones going on that on here it's 'always' X and Y and Z about the father and stepmother and how hypocritical MN is, that there are just as many who also stereotype and generalise about the ex wife on here but they conveniently don't mention that, and are in fact being very hypocritical themselves!

Good grief I’m so sorry you’re getting such a hard time on the post , you can’t win with this…the kids turn up you send them back to mum & you’re an evil witch keeping them away from their dad & baby brother, you let them stay for food and take them back to mum you’re trying to kidnap them or something.
F*uck knows where all the talk of money came from, think a few of the comments are coming from people who may be projecting their own situations on to yours.
Can you ALL , kids their mum & your husband have a lunch and discuss the plan moving forward, make it clear you love spending time with them but it’s important to start establishing a routine…you won’t be on mat leave forever & like you say the novelty will soon wear off.
Good luck

I think the truth is you get great stepmums and appalling stepmums; you get some resentful ex wives and you get some who couldn't be happier to be shot of the DH. Some marriages will have ended because of the DH;s behaviour, and some because of the DW.

I don't know why these threads always become a case of not reading and responding to the OP. If some posters say the OP is behaving badly as a SM, there are those who leap in, fingers-in-the-ears style, and say don't listen to a word: it is "just anti-SM sentiment." Life isn't that simple and you can't generalise about someone because of the title of their role in the picture. You can't be on the side of stepmums or one the side of first wives "as a rule," because that isn't how life works. There are no "always like this" formulae.

What I think you CAN generalise about a little more is that families are tricky and blended families are that much more tricky because of the overlaid tensions of comparisons of households, comparisons of how dc end up faring vis a vis their step or half-siblings, the fact that often one partner - not always the ex DW by any means - was more disappointed by the marriage ending than the other, so there becomes issues of replacement, and for second wives the lingering spectre of what went before. All of these extra complications mean blended families tend to be harder and more complicated to navigate, and I think being aware if these tensions and acknowledging them and giving them space is far healthier than looking at things from a very superficial "oh, it is all totally normal, I know lots of blended families, people just need to get over it/move on" sort of analysis. I think it is highly likely the boys are feeling a little insecure in the new set-up. Maybe that was fed by the ex but maybe it wasn't. In any case, it is very early days in the life of the new baby, and rather than pressing for any sort of decision about whether the ex "needs to accept," I think the OP should just focus on her baby and not be casting judgment as others adjust.

My first thought would be that's less time and money for our children.

You are also asking us to make a judgement without knowing all the facts. If, for example, you persued a married man with children, then she may simply think you do not deserve motherhood.

She may also be feeling depressed, lonely, vulnerable. The one person who was meant to be her constant in her life is now with you. And now her kids are increasingly with you too.

I think you need to have more compassion.

I think people are forgetting on here that you have a baby with him too. You have a son! He has a son! People going on about money, so what if he pays less he has another child! Should that child miss out because he’s got 2 siblings? Honestly 🤦🏻‍♀️. That being said I do get how she’s feeling but the baby is here now so she needs to suck it up abit.

Is your house nicer, are you wealthier? Sorry if this has already been said

I actually think you’re secretly lapping it up! If you want to help parent someone else’s children and be fair to their mother then be firm! I’m not surprised she’s devastated that her children want to spend so much time at yours. Stop making excuses about it being their choice where they spend time! They’re children!

The Op said the ex "needs to accept", which is saying how she needs to react.

I'm not entirely sure that OP was dictating anything, was she? It came across to me that she was caring.

i am still chuckling at the way the original post was written! ‘Welcomed’ ‘ announced’. …