Drink & visiting

When asked when your next visit is all you have to say is when you include me in family meals and make me a hot drink on my arrival at your home.

It sounds so rude I wonder is there another explanation?

When I serve some family meals, I put dishes on the island and tell everyone it’s self service. For some reason my dad sits and still expects to be served. I have to explain several times to him that I’m not serving him at the table, he needs to grab a plate and dig in. He gets a bit annoyed but usually eventually gets the message: sometimes my mum will serve him, but sometimes she tells him he has two arms!

He is perfectly fit and healthy, he’s just a bit sexist. I am stubborn and won’t give in. He mutters about me being all feminist😂. It’s tiresome.

Sounds weird to me, even though I know all families are different. I would suggest taking something really nice (think Fortnum & Masons, or Harrods etc) but only enough for you...and when they start eating get it out and eat it in front of them, commenting frequently just how good it is. 😉

This is nuts and so rude. How old are they?

Neither are the OPs DIL & DS, she doesn’t stay there and often brings food, so she’s the I’ve shopping and slaving over a hot stove!

Your SON is very rude.

Have you spoken to your son about his behaviour?

So, why, while you are there, do you not say to your son ‘I am thirsty, may I have a drink, please?’

Someone else making it about the DIL. Why isn't speaking to the son about how unwelcome he makes his mum feel by not offering her food or drink? He is present too when his mum visits, is he incapable of hosting because he is male?

I think you need to have an honest conversation with your son first, rather than allowing resentment to build up. You are making a considerable effort to maintain a relationship with your grandchildren, travelling over 100 miles and paying for a hotel so that you don't disrupt their household. That's a lot of effort and shows how much you care.
I don't think you're expecting to be waited on or treated as a guest of honour, but offering someone a cup of tea or asking if they'd like something to eat, particularly after a long drive, is just basic courtesy and consideration.
Perhaps your DIL genuinely doesn't realise how unwelcome this makes you feel, but equally, you shouldn't have to feel awkward about asking for a drink in a home where your grandchildren live.
I'd speak calmly to your son and explain how you feel, without making it an attack on his wife. You deserve to feel welcome and comfortable when spending time with your grandchildren.

They are either
a) trying to tell you they don’t want you visiting.
or
b) extremely rude. And you reared him OP.
Zero social skills my ar*e (as Jim Royale would say). They are just rude.
I would be so sad if one of my children treated me like this.

Your son and his wife need to be thoroughly ashamed of themselves, OP

Tbf the Op is just one adult who doesn't stay over so there probably wouldn't that much effort required on her son's/dil's part.

It's obviously too much for them though.

Well, they’re not the ones making the guest beds, running around the supermarket, and slaving over a hot stove, in fairness, so ‘hosting’ is probably more symbolic than actual.

Sorry to say this but it is quite obvious, you are not welcome, so I really wouldn't make the effort to drive all that way and pay for your own food and stay in a hotel. In a busy household the usual situation is you receive a drink on arrival, are told to make yourself at home, eat whatever is in the fridge, brew up when you like and share in the evening meal, regardless of whether it's fish fingers, steak or Macdonalds. When I used to stay with my daughter's busy hectic family, initially I slept on a blow up bed in the lounge, and later they bought me a z bed. I mucked in with the washing up, cooking and cleaning and helped bath their children and put them to bed. I travelled by train 250 miles and went every school holiday to help with the children. It only cost me my train fare and bits I bought for the children. Perhaps in future suggest to them that if they are feeling your monthly visits are too frequent you could reduce them to bi monthly or not go at all!

Read post 2 & 5 of OPs posts.

The K&Q probably know how to host.

But you’re still hosting if there are visitors in your house — if you don’t feed them, you’re just doing a remarkably bad job of hosting. I mean, don’t invite people to stay or for dinner if you can’t cope with the unbearable pressure of cooking or even pointing people to the fridge and cupboards.

Disgustingly rude of them. I wouldn’t bother visiting tbh. Spend the money you save on something nice for yourself

I think some people get anxious or awkward about hosting, feeling pressure to live up to certain standards etc. So they avoid the issue entirely by doing nothing. Can’t make a crap dinner if you don’t make dinner at all.

The first (and only) time I went to my in laws for Christmas, I was there for a week (long flight) and the only meal served was Christmas lunch itself. They obviously ate discreetly at other times, but I was never offered anything - and it’s definitely not a “help yourself” kind of house. Grand displays of Christmas cake, mince pies etc., but again never shared around.

I think they’re just unable to live up to the hosting standards they set for themselves, and too proud/stubborn to permit guests to muck in, so they abdicate from it altogether.

Were you invited or do you just turn up.

I would probably think that your DIL would leave it up to her husband as he is your son. It might just be the way they are.

Back in the late nineties, when my wife and I were in our early forties, my dad, mum and sister (who never left home) moved two hundred and forty miles away (they previously lived ten miles away). My dad drove, but my sister and mum didn't and he was in his seventies, so I used to drive up there a couple of times a year. It was usually around a six hour journey and my sister never used to offer a cup of tea or food. When my mum passed away, we used to get takeaways. Both my sister and dad had zero social skills.

Your son and DIL are completely out of order.

But if this is the only way that you get to see your grandchildren, I guess you have to suck it up.

I'm really sorry they are behaving in such a rude and inconsiderate manner.

What happens if you ask for a drink or a seat at the table or a helping of whatever they're eating?

I'm wondering this also!

Yes but I never mentioned the food so not sure why you’re telling me that’s rude, I agree it is and never said it wasn’t

But whats with the op hinting at the son to put the kettle on. You want the kettle on, put it on make yourself a hot drink, that was my point