Drink & visiting

Well then they can't offer you a hot drink if they don't have them! Take your own teabags or coffee sachet and a small carton of milk and then I would just say I am just making myself a hot drink. That now doesn't sound that unreasonable.

Is there a backstory that we are missing though?

Do you think they actually want you to visit? You say the dates are mutually agreed but do you suggest the visit or them?

That the timing is mutually agreed and the family is sitting down to a meal during that visit, I would most definitely make it known that I expect to be seated at the table and given a plate of food. And since this isn't what's happening, you really have only a few options:

1. don't agree to mealtime visits unless they explicitly say that you will be fed during that visit
2. you speak out forcefully (not obliquely hinting) that you are expecting to join them in the meal, perhaps rising to take a seat at the table even if that means you've displaced someone else
3. you continue sitting on your own watching them eat during your visit while you remain hungry and thirsty
4. you don't visit them at all any more

Is there a reason why you've been putting up with this ridiculous situation for so long? Are you fearful that they will stop allowing you to visit the GC if you do options 1 or 2?

Please can you clarify; you’re there at their house at a meal time. They’ll cook and then sit down to eat as a family, but not invite you to join? So you just sit to one side watching them eat? Is this correct?

Absolutely bizarre behaviour. I’d probably avoid mealtimes.

I think you have to say "I'm parched after the drive. Is it OK if I make myself a tea/coffee and does anyone else want one?" It's rude of them not to offer but maybe they don't have hot drinks and just help themselves when they want something? Speak to your son about not offering you food, before your next visit.

I am in a similar situation with my son when I visit him, his wife (my lovely daughter in law) and my little grandson. We are a 50 minute drive away, before the baby they would always come here and I would do lunch/dinner depending on when they were here. When their baby arrived in the spring obviously the dynamic changed so I would go up and visit. Despite saying I am always welcome it doesn't feel that way when after one visit they both made themselves a sandwich, walked into the sitting room eating it but didn't offer me or my 2 other boys who were with me, anything. We had been there a couple of hours by then, it was about 1.30 so I took it as our cue to leave! I will admit I was pretty upset. I have since learned to time my visits outside meal times, so eat a quick early lunch and then set off. However it makes longer visits tricky as you know you aren't going to get anything (I do ask to put the kettle on though!) I don't know what the answer is, I don't want any arguments as I want to keep seeing my little grandson, but I do know how you feel and its not something I could ever consider doing.

If you don’t want to rock the boat despite there clearly being an issue then carry on being hurt and upset but I’d personally speak to your son and just bluntly ask what the problem is? Or only feed the grandchildren when they come to you and ignore your son and dil and when they say something say oh I didn’t want to offend you so I am treating you exactly as you treat me when I come to your house! Until they experience that they won’t understand how it feels.

So you do ask for a drink of water, and that is provided. Have you ever outright asked for a plate of food when they are all eating? Or perhaps said sarkily, "are you not intending to feed me as well?" Or do you just sit there seething in silence hoping someone will offer you something. I agree that it's absolutely ridiculous and terribly bad mannered that they're not doing this without prompting, but what is keeping you from calling them out on it as it's happening? What do you think would happen that's bad/scary were you to do this?

This is just so incredibly bizarre, and OP you are being I think deliberately evasive. So let’s say you arrive at 3pm. No one offers you a cup or tea or coffee. If you ask for a drink a chil is told to get you a bottle of water.

then it’s meal time and you are still there. I assume they haven’t invited you for a meal. The family sits down - adults and children? - and eats while you sit silently in another room? There is no place laid for you?

Or do they feed the kids earlier, adults don’t eat? They eat after you leave for your hotel?

And when you said to your son I drive a long way and I am not given food or a drink, he just ignored his poor manners?

like others I think you are very unwelcome in this house. It sounds incredibly awkward.

I would stop visiting the house. I understand you want to see the children so send your son this message -

After our last chat I have decided I need to change how I visit the children, it is clearly not working. My suggestion is I still come down and stay in a hotel, but I don’t visit your house. Instead we meet in a cafe, then go to a park or a museums. Something the children will enjoy. I love seeing you all, so I want to make this work. Does that suit you and Susie?

I just can’t understand how your son thinks it’s acceptable for his family to eat a meal and offer you nothing.

yet when they done to you they are fed!!!

it’s so rude. I think I’d say you don’t feel like visiting them any more as you are not made welcome and tgst all the travel is down to them

Sounds awful. Im Irish myself and honestly you even offer workmen a cuppa and a sambo or biscuit here or at least that is how I was raised and raising mine.

This is what I’d like to know too!

I can’t recall my Dil ever offering me a drink. Son always cooks so if we eat it’s prepared by him. I would ask him for a cup of tea or water.

I'm struggling to get a clear understanding of the extent to which this is occurring - has this scenario actually happened: the whole family (except you) sit down together and share a meal and completely ignore you the entire time. They never offer you anything, including to say 'help yourself' or words to that effect.

When you spoke to your son about it, he didn't seem to think it was a problem. Presumably you raised him 'normally'.

This is how some people seem to be interpreting your posts, and you have not corrected them. Given how utterly bizarre this scenario is, it would be good to understand whether that is what is actually happening - or whether it's a bit less than that.

I am baffled as to how both of them are not mortified at their attitude/behaviour towards you. It's one thing to be scatty and forget to be hospitable momentarily if busy with something else, it's another thing entirely to completely blank you, not respond, and not be slightest bit bothered that they have no manners at all.

So there are (to me) two reasons for this -

One - there is a backstory. Only OP knows if there is, and if that is the reason.

Two (this is what I think), they have extra needs, both of them, whether that is full on neurodiversity or something else, their lack of social awareness is down to some brain issue.

How are the grandchildren?

It is difficult to give advice, since no one knows whether it's ND, a backstory, Mum's the issue, DIL/Son is the issue or what.

Whatever it is, it makes for a very uncomfortable and unwelcoming visit, and I can see why OP is very sad and baffled, but we don't know the full story. There has to be one, even if it is just thoughtlessness. I suspect it's more than that.

Your son can’t possibly have missed that they all sit down to eat and you are left out. It’s extremely poor of them both.

Are you sure they actually want you to visit? Maybe talk to your son about whether your visits are too much and what arrangement would be better. Maybe there is somewhere half way between you both you could meet at for a day out instead.

It sounds like they want her to stop visiting. So if she did they'd likely be delighted b

You sound unwelcome

You say your family have always been involved with each other etc and her family are different but you seem to assume your way is the right way.
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It sounds like they don't want you there stop going, wait to be invited.

Rude and ignorant, such an awful situation for you, I would be tempted to stop visiting but then of course you need to mantain a relationship with ypur Gc

Are you actually invited or do you just tell them you are coming and turn up?