Drink & visiting

what does this mean? Are you saying you only prepare drinks for immediate family members? Have you ever had friends to your house, or hosted a party?

if friends are invited to your house do you not offer a tea or coffee? Do you have children? Do their friends come to play and if so are they offered a drink and snack?

Do you offer friends drinks?

I have never offered my MIL a drink when she has come to visit, the same way my partner doesn't offer my family a drink when they come over, we are responsible for our own family drinks.

Are they serving up meals for all of them while you are there and not including you or are they just feeding the children?
If they don't drink tea or coffee are they getting themselves other drinks while you are there and not offering?
Did your son ever get you drinks or food etc when he was a teenager or young adult living with you?

"I wouldn't think to offer someone a drink because you should just have your own.'

Really? You wouldn't offer anything to someone who visited you? Even if they travelled a long way to get there, and the visit was planned/agreed in advance - so you knew they were coming, and had time to get stuff in before they arrived?

They don't want you there! FFS. How much more could they show it!

Quite. I am thinking there must be a back story to this.

Also annoying how it was straight away a moan about DIL not hosting yet her own son is present. As others have pointed out do his poor manners come from how he was raised? Perhaps he has no clue to offer drinks or food as he has always been waited on at home and now his wife who is the main caregiver according to the OP has his meal ready.
DILto me probably thinks it's his mum and he should be the one to offer her food and drinks, and possibly assumes he has but she has declined.

Why are you blatantly dodging questions OP?

Are you saying that your DIL cooks dinner (as your son isnt always there), then all 4 family members sit down at a dinner table and ask you to sit elsewhere so they can eat?

I am thinking along these lines too. In addition, the evasiveness in the OPs posts indicates that there is probably a lot more to this story than she is choosing to relate - because it speaks to her character.

If I was in your position I would either not go. Or say to my son “do you want me to visit? I get the feeling you don’t want me in your house”. They are treating you terribly and I don’t know how you put up with it! This must feel incredibly hurtful. I’m sorry this is how they are treating you.

I think OP must have exaggerated and it’s not as bad as she initially implied.

That’s why she won’t answer the questions.

she isn’t invited over meal times. The couple don’t drink tea or coffee so they don’t think to offer, if she asks first a drink she is given one. The kids probably snack in front of her but they don’t sit down for an evening meal.

she is expected for a couple of hours, rudely she isn’t offered tea or coffee. She hasn’t been invited to lunch or dinner - the children are fed but the adults don’t eat. Perhaps she overstays her welcome, they are waiting for her to leave until the adults have their meal.

its still rude, but OP is being given a clear signal to keep her visits short.

Well we don’t know as the OP has not answered anyof the posts asking her to clarify this! It’s getting really frustrating now, as I really want to know if they just literally sit down to eat their evening meal in front of her, ignoring the fact that shes there, as that’s what shes implied…

No food is ever offered they just eat & dont acknowledge i an in the room at all.

I just vant get my head around this. You travel 100 miles to see them. Are you saying they sit down and eat like a full on evening meal and don’t offer you any food? What are you doing whilst they’re all sat eating? Also you say you take lasagne and curry and it just gets left on the side. Would you never say “mind if I heat up my lasagne whilst you all eat your dinner?” The whole thing is odd.

If this is simply ignorance, then OP has only herself (and her husband) to blame in relation to her son.

Basic hosting skills and manners are usually taught from a young age. If her son is indeed ignorant of these basic social norms then it’s not to late for OP to outline how he should behave when visitors arrive.

Given OP refuses to answer some basic questions about what time she is invited and what actually happens when they exclude her from meals, I suspect there are some etiquette failures on both sides

They sound awful and ignorant.

Take your own food and drink to eat in their house or make sure you eat before visiting.

I would just ask for a drink. I’m sorry but do you mind me making a drink? I’m thirsty. Bring cake around and say I fancy a slice of cake now.

I am shocked they could be so blatantly rude. As soon a visitor walks through the door, my kettle goes on. They should be ashamed of themselves, especially your son treating his mum like that.
Could you take small containers of tea/coffee/sugar and a small carton of milk with you. Then you only need to say “is it ok if I pop the kettle on to make a cuppa?” Alternatively take a flask of tea/coffee and a cup.
I can recommend the Thermos food flask to keep food hot - maybe you should take a flask of soup and sandwiches with you too! Maybe they will see how utterly rude they are. Certainly don’t be buying anymore takeaways or paying for dinner!
What happens if anyone else pops in to visit when you are there - do they get offered anything?

Then why do you ask them to put the kettle
on?

I just don’t understand why you are being so passive about this

It is odd, but also it shouldn't be so difficult.

Generally if someone is visiting & will be in your home at a mealtime you feed them!

Since they don't feed Op I guess they want her to eat elsewhere.

This is astonishing for me. I’m from a culture where we offer to feed anybody, any time they enter our house.

This is so unbelievably rude that it verges on hostile in my book.

So do they expect you to leave at mealtimes & eat elsewhere/at the hotel?

Again OP why won’t you directly answer the questions?Do the four of them sit down at the table and eat while you are there?

They don’t drink tea or coffee or keep it in the house. But they do eat.

do they invite you for a specific time? Is that time close to meal time.

for example - your son says - mum would love to see you.

You ask when would suit for a visit and I’ll book a hotel.

He says how about next weekend.

You say okay, I’ll drive up and be at yours for 1pm. This is when you say -

what will we do for lunch - would the kids eat pizza if I order us in some food? I will be starving after the drive but I don’t want to put you out. Or should I eat lunch at the hotel and then call in for a visit? I can also get room service for my dinner if you and Susie have dinner plans.

I just don’t understand why you are being so passive about this

Presumably you are able to talk to your son? tell him he's rude.
And the blame on your dil is - meh. stop that.

They don’t want you there. You might think that your visits are agreed in advance but you certainly aren’t welcomed.

If they ate in front of me without acknowledging me, I would leave and tell them why. It’s insanely rude and you shouldn’t tolerate it. Tell them you won’t be visiting again, but that they will always be welcome to come and visit you instead. I appreciate that you are worried about having less contact with your grandchildren, but try to engineer this in your home as much as you can. It’s entirely possible to have a close loving relationship with grandchildren, whilst seeing them less frequently than monthly.