Drink & visiting

Could you even imagine saying that to your mother? There have been many times when we were hard up, but we’d never have begrudged our parents a meal. Jesus Christ.

The Aunt who brought me, and others, up had a saying: Divide small and supply all.

This is truly awful... How mean and tight when you have made the effort to travel all that way and book a hotel.
I think they both sound very unpleasant people.
I would withdraw quite a lot. Maybe visit every half term. Take a jar of coffee or something with you or arrange to come for an afternoon visit not around meal times and leave them to it. Do you have other children and grandchildren?
I'd think very carefully about your will. Who will be executor (clue not your tight son) and put it all in trust for grandchildren. Unless there is very good evidence that they are penniless it costs very little extra to feed you once a month. I think this is deliberate and I would take some time to consider how best to manage things.

You fed him until he left home and now he is too tight and mean to offer you a crumb? I wouldn't sully my shoes to enter his house ever again, or to have any of them at yours!

Oh Lord.
This is awful, and I'm afraid a very poor excuse for their rudeness. I really don't have any advice but I am very sorry.
Do you have any other children?

Well really that’s no excuse, they could offer you a cold drink instead!
And it can’t possibly cost that much more to feed one extra person. Especially as you have said you’ve taken meals over before and they have been ignored. It’s just an excuse.

It good that you have spoken to your DS about it though. Now that have started the discussion why not ask how things can be improved? I would suggest taking my own food to eat with them, or picking up some ingredients to make a meal for all of you - they can suggest things they would all eat.
On the hot drinks, do they have a kettle? Could you take some teabags and leave them there for when you visit and take a pint of milk with you?

This is all very bizarre. You said you take food so why don't they pop it in the oven when cooking theirs?

There has got to be a backstory here that you aren't mentioning.

Have they actually said they don't want you to visit but you continue anyway so they are now trying to make it less enjoyable?

Your son is giving me the ick. The stingy prick

OP this makes no sense.

you said you bring food?

I agree if this is true then they absolutely do not want you to visit, they don’t like you and don’t want you in their home.

your son has effectively ended the relationship.

Who the fuck has voted YABU?! And why??

Wow, I offer the window cleaner a drink. We have earl grey in the cupboard for MIL, nobody else drinks it and I offer food from the fridge for my friends dog when she brings it round.

Absolutely appalled by your son and his wife. So sorry

I am really thinking the must be something thing that you haven’t realised. Do they believe that you should have helped them out financially?

Your son and his wife are unbelievably rude. I could not imagine doing that to anyone, let alone my children’s grandmother.

It’s teaching the children absolutely appalling behaviour. My children would be absolutely aghast if we left someone sitting there while we all ate and would question it. It speaks volumes that your grandchildren don’t.

I understand in that situation why you couldn’t just go to the table and help yourself. I am assuming that it’s already plated up and brought in.

I would think that I was unwelcome and they were doing this to send some stupid message to you, and I would stop going.

I am so sorry OP. I have an adult son, he bends over backwards when me, dh and his younger siblings visit, he gets all their favourite sweets and snacks for them, and makes sure we all have food and drink. I would be very upset if he acted like your son, it’s not how I brought him up.

Anyone justifying this behaviour is either being tediously combative to an OP, or has zero social skills.

I am beyond appalled at your son’s behaviour. I just don’t know where you go from here. It’s borderline cruel treatment of his mum. I am
sorry x

That's a shame op. It doesn't explain why they didn't serve up and share the meals you brought with you. They sound, peculiar and rude.

I don’t get it either.

It’s just being polite. If you are so much of an introvert that you can’t offer tea, then maybe tell family that you would rather not have them come round as you don’t like spending time in the company of others.

Goodness there are some socially inept unaware people on this thread.

Being introvert has nothing to do with showing hospitality. DH is an introvert but he knows how to look after guests.

As most women work outside the home as much as men, they are no longer willing to carry the social burden of providing food and drink in the way older generations were accustomed.

Although in this case both seem to think it's fine to prepare a meal & sit & eat it in front of someone who is visiting.

I think years ago a lot of people lived nearby so needing to stay over to visit was less usual, perhaps as was people being there at mealtimes unless specifically invited.

If as a kid I had friends at mine or was at a friends, a meal being prepared meant that it was time to go!

I absolutely agree that some people expect this exclusively from women and not men. I can see this in my parents, and it’s how I was raised.

however, I still think that both men and women should offer guests a drink. Maybe not immediate family who are comfortable in the home and can help themselves, but proper guests.

as a society both boys and girls should be raised with an understanding of basic manners. Where some generations went wrong was expecting this exclusively from women.

so you enjoy cooking, but rather than just tell your partner to clear the plates when you’ve cooked, you’ve created a rule that results in you not cooking? And you have no mutual friends? Different strokes for different folks, but what an unusual way to live.

I think this is an interesting example of changing societies, habits and customs.
As most women work outside the home as much as men, they are no longer willing to carry the social burden of providing food and drink in the way older generations were accustomed.
They don't have the time or energy to do so nor should they have to.

Everybody fending for themselves is becoming more common. This is surprising and confounding to people who grew up with different norms.
I have family in three different countries and have noticed this happening in all of them.

To answer people's questions.
I make drinks for my family
Partner makes drinks for their family
I'm never in the house with my in laws alone and vice versa.
It all started because my MIL would invite herself over for a weekend to stay the night and I didnt see why I should have to cook (i enjoy cooking and so cook evening meals as i meal plan) and make the drinks and take the plates out after dinner and the cup out after she finished her drink because it always got left on the side/floor. I also grew up in a household that if you went to immediate families houses so parents, siblings, children's when grown that you just helped yourself, whereas my MIL wouldnt help herself annoyingly so the rule came in as a compromise of how we both grew up.

Friends are different as were quite introvert and the friends we do have over usually get offered by the one theyve come to see and either say no or they bring their own drinks with them, and we take our own drinks places with us.

Well we don’t know if this is actually the case as the OP has ignored every single question asking her to clarify.
So I suspect it’s not quite as dramatic as she made out and also that there’s a backstory that she’s chosen not to share.