Drink & visiting

This is one of the most bizarre things I’ve read - you go to your DS and DIL and they eat and drink but don’t offer you anything. That’s beyond rude - it’s outright bonkers. Especially as they used to live with you so your DIL must know you well. I’d decrease the visits. I’d also think carefully about what to put in my will. It’s unacceptable even if you turned up unannounced which you are not doing.

He seems oblivious to my upset & just stated i shouldn't be so petty, & his partner will always come 1st,

It's not about anyone coming first though, just about being fed when you visit!

If it was such a problem why wouldn't they talk about it properly & ask you to eat elswhere?

Petty?

You are not being petty at all.

This has nothing to do with his partner coming first. They are both treating you appallingly.

I hope they realise that their children are learning that this is how you treat your parents and they will treat them the same way one day.

Di you know how they treat her parents at all?

Are they sitting round the table eating a cooked dinner?

Oh you poor thing, I'm crying for you. In addition to everything that you're going to be doing going forward, I would draw from this thread and compose a long letter to your son to let him know that the way he is treating you is horrible. And that you don't deserve to be treated this way. You have done nothing but love him and sacrifice for him. I would also let him know that you are open to reconciliation, but if he and his wife are not going to treat you with kindness, that you will not be there for him either.
I'm just so angry on your behalf. Where's his father? Does he see him at all and does he treat him the same way as you?

@Shesastar76

I also think you need to be honest with them as to why you’re cutting back on your efforts too.

He’s selfish, lazy, and mean! Meanness is a really horrible personality trait. Normally when off spring become parents, she have a new, more appreciative, insight into what their parents did for them.

DiL doesn’t sound much better. The poor gc…. What are they role modelling.

They’re mean, thoughtless, and frankly a disappointment.

Bloody hell, this just gets worse.

Ungrateful idiots. Happy enough to live with you so they could save, and now, they can’t even include you in family dinners (or even make you a cup of tea!!) when you travel to visit them.

It’s really awful when they turn out to be such a disappointment in the most basic of things.

Oh I'm so sorry. They eat in front of you ?! So rude.

@Shesastar76

What am I reading?! It gets worse with each update.

They lived with you while they saved their deposit, you travel all that way, pay for accommodation, and they can’t even offer you a glass of water and some of their food?! 1 more mouth, I mean, come on, they don’t have to have steak when you’re there!

OP, I fear you may have neglected some skills when parenting your son. Were you always running around after him by any chance? I’m sorry to say, he sounds selfish and entitled.

That is such a shame.

No, I wouldn’t be visiting again anytime soon either! Fuck that!!

That’s very weird behaviour. What about the food you take with you. Did you ask him why they don’t heat it up for them / you? I mean if the issue is financial then surely you providing food for a family meal answers that, doesnt it?

This is absolutely awful behaviour from your DS and DIL @Shesastar76

I cannot imagine eating and drinking and not offering guests anything at all - especially my own mother after such a long journey! It does not cost a fortune to rustle up another extra place setting does it?

I am glad you have taken the decision to cancel your next visit to them. It is all very one sided, and this is totally unfair on you.

I would wait for them to contact you. Whilst you do this, I agree with other posters - definitely have a re-think about your will.

And, if you do end up visiting them again, take a travel kettle, coffee, sugar, milk and a mug. Any leftover milk, you can pour it over your DS and DIL's head as you leave....😏

Do they seem penniless to you OP to the point that they can’t find enough food for one person for a meal or two once a month? Or do you think this is just an excuse? It’s terrible. I hope you are okay 💐💐

I’m so sorry for you Shesastar76, what an awful situation. It’s so difficult to even imagine a loved one, especially your own child, acting so dispassionately toward you. You’re a bigger person than I, I couldn’t continue to do it. I know there are people out there like that as we had similar in our own family many years ago. We were invited to meet the new baby (2nd child) and despite us driving 150 miles to bring Christmas and new baby gifts, SIL didn’t even offer our two young children a drink. No food, no cups of tea, nothing. Her husband (my husband’s brother) was at work. We waited until he came home to say hello then had to leave to feed the kids (and us) and drive back home. It was a planned afternoon visit but pretty shocking not to even get a cuppa. It was our only visit (they divorced a couple of years later). I really feel for you.

👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻

I’m speechless re the update.
Was he always a tight fisted, rude little sh*t @Shesastar76 ?

You are right. Her son is too.

Sorry you’re upset OP. The hot drinks thing I can just about understand, but the food comment is weird. How much is one extra portion of a meal once in a blue moon?

There is a name for people with hide like a rhino, who do not care or even notice what other people think about their attitudes and actions. Think Trump for example. Sociopaths, psychos, what is it? They are cut from the same cloth I think, as it would take a totally self centred person not to be mortified by their actions towards you.

Either they are just plain bad, or have extra needs of some sort. Do they?

I don't know what to advise, but it's best that you have cancelled the next trip, for now.

@Shesastar76 I, like all the other PP here, am appalled that a son could even think about treating his mother like this. I think your decision to cancel your next visit is realistically all you can do right now. If it were me, I'd be writing quite a strong, heartfelt letter to your son asking him outright whether he still loves you and wants you in his and his children's lives. Because how it looks from here, he is making the most ridiculous excuses to push you away. I'd also consider your will very carefully, ensuring that anything you leave is going to your GC and bypassing your son. Do you have other children? If so, do they treat you better?

Were you intending to spend any part of Christmas with him and his family? You might want to reconsider these plans too.

I feel so sorry for you and wish, probably like a lot of the other posters, that I could give you a hug and your son and his wife a good kick up the backside.

This is so sad but from the initial op, and even more with the updates and the conversation with the son, its blindingly obvious they don't want you there.

There are unable to say it explicitly but they can't be more obvious in their actions.

They must be amazed that you still turn up when they are so breathtakingly rude.

Realistically, how much would you eat when there?

Not sure if it would just be a couple of evening meals or breakfasts/lunches as well.

Even so, it's surely not that hard to stretch a couple of evening meals or ask you to bring something to add to it, plus bring your own stuff for breakfasts/lunches if necessary?

Re the hot drinks-if they haven't the stuff, why not say don't forget your kettle/teabags/milk?

Can't help thinking that they don't want you there.

Its incredibly rude tbh. Eating whilst your there without offering. I get were all skint but how much extra is another handful of pasta or extra veg? Just be careful how you handle this as it could escalate to you not seeing the dgc

They don't want you there. Your visits are a burden.

I think you did right to canvel and I wouldn't be seeing much of them.

Was he always this cheap and flat out an asshole? Because this behaviour is extreme.