Drink & visiting

I am really struggling to imagine how this happens. Do they tell you there is no food for you? How do you know you arent supposed to sit at the table?

Why are you staying over meal time if you aren’t invited for the meal?

General manners dictate that if you haven’t been invited to stay for a meal and the hosts start to cook you say your goodbyes?

It sounds like they have awful manners, but you also aren’t clear on how long you are welcome in the house? How long have you been there when they start to cook?

It is really odd that your son said it was because of money, yet you have said this happened multiple times and each time you have brought different dishes that they haven’t heated and you haven’t heated.

It just seems so strange that you have brought food multiple times, they have ignored that food, cooked and eaten
a meal with no one acknowledging you are there and you havent said will I heat the lasagne I brought and join you at the table.

This is your son and his wife, he lived with you I assume for at least 18 years and she also lived with you. Yet you weren’t able to say what about me, what about the food I brought?

OP do you think they are sending you a not very subtle message asking you to give them money??

How has he managed to get to adulthood and not realise how inhospitable and rude his behaviour is? They both seem to be completely lacking in social awareness.

Do they never entertain friends?

I think this is 100% on the son tbh. If he says it’s too expensive to feed his mum (🤔) then why ask her when she’s coming up again? Why not say to his wife ‘would you prefer if she didn’t visit? I’ll postpone the next visit for a day so I am here when she arrives’ etc?

More likely DIL saying to her husband it’s on him to host and he isn’t doing it. Particularly if he isn’t even there half the time.

@Shesastar76 have you ever offered to cook dinner when she’s there alone with you and the kids.

If you are afraid that asking for a drink or helping yourself will lead to them cutting off contact with your grandchildren, you have bigger problems.

Do they really cook a family meal and sit down to it whilst you are there without offering you anything? That sounds to me like they think you have overstayed your welcome. Or, they are just rude. You need to address this with your son.

Oops 😬

That’s how it seems to me. If the OP asks for a bottle of water they’ll ask one of the boys to fetch it? Surely you’d just say “I’d like a glass of water, do you mind if I help myself?” And crack on.

This gives me vibes of the MIL expecting to be hosted and the DIL sticking to her guns of you’re welcome to visit but I have enough on my plate. Why the OP can’t get her own bottle out of the fridge is beyond me

I wonder if the DIL has said several times to help yourself, and the OP has resisted because she's uncomfortable doing so or thinks the DIL is rude, and now they're in a weird standoff where OP is dropping hints about kettles and how thirsty she is, and the DIL is wondering when she'll crack and just make herself a drink?

If you said to me “what about putting the kettle on?” I’d ignore you as well. You fill it up and press a button.

I agree they are rude, but I think you wanting to be hosted is a pest as well

Who are you supposedly shouting at 😂

CAN YOU READ!
Go back and read all of ops posts.

He is an absolute disgrace of a man. Ick

This awful lady visited a post partum woman and complained that she wasn’t waited on😳. Most people, especially family, would have arrived with something to eat ( cake, biscuits, juice for the kids) and would say let me put the kettle on.

If her brother in law is anything like her it’s no wonder he got divorced! What an unkind, ungracious guest.

The previous poster wanted food and drinks for her and her children, thats too much to expect from a woman who's just given birth/potentially had surgery. I made drinks for people after I'd had a baby but I wasn't running around making food for them.

Let's not derail the thread, I always make drinks for my in laws but I don't expect anything from newly postpartum women.

It's very weird of your son to think of this in terms of his partner coming first. When they come to your house and you give them drinks and meals, does he think this is his father forcing you to come second, or vice versa? Or does he accept that this is just what people do normally when they have guests?

If he thinks that expecting her to make tea for you is putting her second, maybe he could do it himself?

Oh come - a cup of tea?!

This is one of the most bizarre things I’ve read

It really is isn't it?

"Let's pretend that Mum isn't here".

You must be devastated Op.

his partner will always come 1st
It's a bloody cup of tea or sn extra plate of pasta or evena slice of toast. They lived with you so they could get on their feet and they begrudge you the offer of a glass of water. This isn't about anyone coming first... its not like he's taking a teabag away from her 😂 I'm so sorry that your son has ended up a selfish man with a selfish partner.

I made our cleaner a cup of coffee last week because its just a normal thing to ask when someone comes in the door, and my own husband lined up 6 cups to do various teas and coffees when extended family came to visit during the week. It's really not a hardship. We also regularly feed my stepsons friends if they are here at dinner time we just make it work.

Glad you have found this thread helpful. Really glad you have found your boundary.

You’re the petty one? He thinks this is about being jealous of his partner? So, not about basic family, human, decency then?

Wow.

Sorry to hear about your husband. Glad he is in support.

Honestly, this makes your son’s behaviour even worse. The sacrifice you make is that bit bigger as you’re leaving him to go and visit, all that way. Also, it’s a reminder that parents aren’t around forever, so appreciate them while you can.

Absolutely - focus on your own life and those who DO appreciate you.

I’d be seriously be considering your Will/s too. Mean son doesn’t deserve anything!!

He seems oblivious to my upset & just stated i shouldn't be so petty

He thinks you are being petty!

What an embarrassment of a human being!

I am so sad on your behalf. He is a self centered, selfish and socially inadequate disgrace.

I would just leave them to stew. Just send presents for the grandchildren.

I don't think that's quite the same as the woman had a newborn and had recently given birth. It's not right to expect women who've just given birth to cater to you with food and drinks, you could easily have stopped in a cafe or brought drinks and food with you.