Drink & visiting

I’m of the view that life is too short to be no contact and that it is always worth working through relationship issues. Be the bigger person!

TBF to me, I did say pause first and I did say that I would push them further, for answers, if my suggestions to resolve the issues did not work. At that point I would know I had tried and I would have made them more accountable for their actions.

I say that as a person whose brother cut me off 25 years ago. I know the damage it has done to my self worth, how invisible I am made to feel.

I'd be tempted to contact your DiL's parents and ask if they are offered food and drink when they visit. If they don't express surprise at your question, or say something like, "of course not, we'd never expect them to", then you know where it's coming from at least. If they give the sort of reactions most of us here have given, then that indicates that your DS and his wife are treating you differently than her parents, which would make the whole thing even more worse. And, if that did prove to be the case, I'd be giving my son all hell, even if I didn't particularly like arguments.

i would talk with my DS and his wife to suggest for the next visit we meet out somewhere and I pay for the meal for them all. Similarly, suggest I take just my grandchildren out for tea
Or you suggest you will take food (ready meal/home cooked) for you all to eat at home. Agree a plan prior.

Why should she offer to pay for meals out when they've been beyond rude to her? That's being an even bigger doormat than she has been. She has been bringing food and they put it aside.

They don't really want her visiting. That's why they're treating her so poorly. They're sending her a message in a particularly nasty way. And this is both of them in on it.

Do they have any friends? Do they treat others like this or is it just you?

She has to pull back. Seeing her treated so badly and accept it will teach their children it's ok to treat people like this and they're teaching their kids to treat their grandmother with disrespect. And I would bet the kids don't enjoy her visits, they've likely heard comments made by the parents that have poisoned that well.

If that was my son I'd have it out with him. I'd tell him I didn't raise him to be this mean and disrespectful to anyone and how ashamed I am of him. And that they got what they wanted, the visits would stop, they wouldn't hear from me again. The grandkids, well, no relationship with the parents would mean no relationship with them. They're collateral damage.

I agree. Is the son under the DIL's thumb?

What do they do if you take a lasagne with you?

Do they eat while you are there?

It just all seems so odd on their part.

So they don't invite you to be there over meal times?

That is so hard for you @Shesastar76
Your only child and his partner treat
you like this in their home.
Particularly after you and your dh facilitated them to live in your home while they saved to buy their own.
You don’t have the comfort of other dc that treat you correctly. 😢
I absolutely understand how you want to keep up the contact with your only grandchildren.
Is there any back story that makes them behave so horribly.
Have you forcibly visited.
As in they really didn’t want you to come but you insisted and they are treating you so badly that you will take the hint ?
Make things so uncomfortable for you that you won’t visit again.
Do they entertain others ?
As in your son’s partner’s family.
Have you met them ?
Was your son always so horrible?

I think if this were me, I would pause the visits and then in the New Year try and address this again.

i would talk with my DS and his wife to suggest for the next visit we meet out somewhere and I pay for the meal for them all. Similarly, suggest I take just my grandchildren out for tea
Or you suggest you will take food (ready meal/home cooked) for you all to eat at home. Agree a plan prior.
If they are reticent, ask directly, addressing the cost issue, (‘but this is not going to cost you anything’). Be ready to address other reasons ‘it is a school night’ - ‘ok, would Saturday be better?’

Now that you have had a conversation with your son, it is easy to pick that up, ‘can you remember when I said that I can’t come to your house and manage without food or a drink, would it be better if….’

Their reactions to this, as you plan ahead, would give more information about why they are doing this. If they can’t agree to any of the above, I would really know they just don’t want to see me.

I am in a similar situation with my mum, though she does make a cup of tea and is elderly. We just plan ahead with her and accept that we will ‘go out somewhere’ to eat, with us paying. We are not left hungry, we are no longer embarrassed by her behaviour (and can justify it by her age).

Your family are incredibly rude and other than my mum this would be unacceptable in our family. My DS’s both cook, make drinks, serve snacks.

However, I were you, I would not want to lose contact over it without trying a little bit more.

Exactly - I may have a coffee or a tea at some point but generally have squash or water.
I still pop the kettle on as soon as visitors arrive, or in the case of my elderly neighbour a can of Old Speckled Hen!
It all sounds very unpleasant and I believe an excuse to stop OP visiting.
I hope she and her husband sort their wills out!

Yes, I read that earlier. If I was visiting a house that didn't have tea and milk in I would bring my own. In this case I would just stop visiting this horrible couple.

I would feel very hurt and disappointed if DD started behaving like them. Luckily, she doesn't. She doesn't drink tea, but she keeps tea bags in for me because she knows I am a tea drinker.

Poor things only seem to have 4 plates as well.

Thats really no excuse. I can’t stand coffee and don’t have sugar in my tea, but I still have coffee and sugar in the house for visitors.

The son and DIL claim not to like hot drinks, therefore they do not have tea, coffee etc. in the house.

Oh definitely.

I’ve known people like that, who show their disdain for someone’s presence in the same way.

I would bet that if it were a friend, a member of DIL family or a work colleague, they wouldn’t dream of sitting at the table eating while they sat there on the sofa watching.

It’s obviously designed as a signal to the MIL, which is absolutely childish and mean.

Either way, they sound monumentally selfish and self absorbed and downright horrible people.

I can thanks.

I don’t think they are socially awkward or unaware.

I think they just don’t want her there and are being pricks to make her feel uncomfortable.

I bet they cater for her family and their friends.

Do you think it's a dig as well at coming on a weekday?
Why are you making such a journey with an overnight stay with the intention of seeing grandchildren yet they are in school when you visit?
My in laws do this which really annoys me, especially as MIL always makes a fuss about how she hardly ever sees the grandchildren. If you wanted to see the grandchildren you would arrange a suitable weekend, not come midweek when they have school and clubs!

I can't help but feel that the whole relationship is odd if the OP feels that she can't even ask if she can make herself a cup of tea.

The son and DIL sound terribly socially awkward and unaware of social norms.

OP said she drives 100 miles I think, and has a hotel booked for the night.

What do you do when you’re there? You arrive, stay in their house with no food or drink offered, go to the hotel when they have dinner, when do you eat? At the hotel? Then what do you do the next day?

So are they inviting you to come from 4-6 for example and they are waiting for you to leave? They think they are saying pop round after school- not come round for dinner?

OP, what is the timeline for all of this? How long ago were they with you while saving for a deposit, how long were they there, how old are the grandchildren, how long have you been visiting monthly etc? The trip that you cancelled, when was it supposed to be?

Are they nice to you and talk to you outwith the food and drink issue?

This is up there with one of the weirdest things I’ve read