Drink & visiting

Why do you bother to visit?

But surely, recognising that this is weird, you overcome it and feed visitors anyway?

Just directly ask your son when you are saying goodbye,
"DS, if I prepay 100 for food right now, could I please be included in meals and cups of tea etc when I next visit? I really would enjoy a cup of tea and a buscuit when the kids are eating."
See how he responds.
It seems loopyloo that you are not offered a cup of tea etc.

Or could you ask your DIL for a cup of tea?
Everytime you need one.
Is she from a different culture?

This

My BIL & SIL were the same. I got really annoyed as they would turn up at ours at meal times and take it that they would be fed automatically!

Do you know I find it really awkward / uncomfortable offering people food & drink if they come to my house. I can’t even explain or even understand why I feel that way 😆 a social anxiety perhaps.
Maybe it’s that - bring your own or help yourself? Could you take the kids out to a cafe?

Stop buying them food. Go and find a cafe and bring a coffee/tea and food just for yourself in with you.

I'm struggling to understand that they are this socially unaware and lacking in common courtesy.

Would they really be offended if you said "do you mind if I make myself a cup of tea?" You realky do need to say something.

Or just visit for the afternoon, after lunch and leave before the evening meal and eat in the hotel or a local restaurant.

I'm sorry, so they will all sit there and eat a meal but not offer you anything?

They're really rude OP.

If it was me I'd be saying "son I've just driven 100 to visit. Please could you make me a cup of tea and something to eat. It's incredibly rude to sit and eat without offering anything to a guest. Surely I brought you up to have better manners than that".

You need to address this directly with your son not your DIL.

Do they have enough money? Can they afford to offer food and drink?

It’s very strange, but you also seem to be blaming your DIL and not your son which is even weirder.

So you have told them you don’t feel comfortable helping yourself in their home?

Your DIL is usually home when you visit so you expect her to cook, sort your drinks because you won’t help yourself out of your own discomfort?

That’s a really sad

I would ask them why they don't offer you anything. Maybe they think you don't want anything because you say nothing?

Or, I would take my own food and drink (and I hope they feel embarrassed).

What kind of example are they showing to their DC?

I would be really disappointed in my DC if they treated me like that. Did you bring your son up to be hospitable? To offer visitors food and drink? To cook for the household, especially when his family and friends are visiting? What was he like as a host before he got with his wife?

Some families are more muck in together families and don't expect to have to wait on family if they're visiting, but happy for them to make themselves at home. Could it be more that sort of set up? Especially if DGC are young, expecting to be hosted might be seen as a bit demanding? I think you need to get over your discomfort at helping yourself unless DS has expressed that that wouldn't be welcome.

Edited as cross posted with last update.

Could you do the same to them OP when they visit you?

Goodness this is one of the bizarrest things I’ve read on here! I don’t think anyone’s going to jump on the thread and say it’s normal
behaviour unless your DIL is on here!

I’m not sure how you’ve managed to keep quiet about it. If any of my children treated me like that, I would most definitely be mentioning it to them.

Crikey.

I dont get on with my MIL but she has a room everytime she stays and I buy food and drink I know she will like and make it for her.

She's also perfectly comfortable putting the kettle on for herself.

And we have a very awkward, strained relationship so your situation is very odd and incredibly rude if it's accurate and no backstory.

Do they want you to visit every month or do you invite yourself? My ex (when we were together and the kids were little) and I worked full time and the weekends were a time to catch up on housework, do laundry, and ferry kids around to various clubs.

My parents tended to visit most half terms - this was great for childcare and we could spend proper time with them - and we visited them around Christmas and Easter and at some point during summer.

I dont feel my relationship with my dil is one where I can either help my self or ask. She will happily feed the family & not offer me anything at all

Whats your relationship like with your son?

She sounds like a right cow.

Do they actually want you there @Shesastar76only it doesn't look like it to me .

It's terrible that you're afraid of your own son and his wife. Do you really think there would be a scene if you ask for a cuppa?

What happens if you simply head to the kitchen and say "I'm making some tea, does anyone want a cup?"

Do they drink and eat when you are there?

They are incredibly rude and inhospitable. I always offer guests something to drink, and food if there are here over a mealtime. I would stop for a coffee somewhere before getting to theirs or bring a flask of tea.

They sound awful.