Drink & visiting

just say that You will make yourself a drink, or say Can I make myself a drink
every time

This is bizarre op, such shit social skills from the pair of them. They obviously equate a hotel stay with you eating etc at the hotel.

I'd just accept it. As you say if you ask they might get frosty then it'll become awkward. Just eat before visiting and carry on being a good host when they visit you. Maybe take a coffee in one of those little cup flask things to make a PA point!

Honestly so much batshit behaviour from relatives lately on mn.

He's your son. Why wouldn't you say wft is this all about DS? Or words to that effect.

Can you not find the words to express how hurtful it is when you drive 100+ miles, stay in a hotel and then aren't even offered a drink?

unless you say something how will they be able to address the problem.

how was your son growing up, did you have a good relationship, and did you teach him to be thoughtful and considerate to people? What about helping round the house, did you teach him to help or were you his servant, running around after him so he takes you for granted?

There is always a backdrop to this type of extreme behaviour, it doesn't come out of nowhere.

JFC!! That’s awful! I hope every penny they spent getting there and paying for stuff was taken from DBs inheritance!

How rude is it that someone comes into a home after travelling to see the people and they’re not even offered a drink!

Yes DIL is “expected” to offer a drink!

I’d agree your visits are probably too regular and DIL resents it. They are still rude though.

My DB and his wife were similar to my elderly parents, who used to fly to New Zealand to visit them. No food or drink ever on arrival, just an invitation to make themselves toast with frozen bread. And then my parents would pay for all meals out etc. In that case DB and wife were just being selfish fucks (more than happy to accept money for their house deposit etc, but can’t be arsed to offer up more than frozen bread after a 20 hour journey).

No advice here, sorry, they both sound awful.
Please strongly consider cutting both the pricks out the will and leave the lot in trust to the grandsons.

my ds is the same
although i dont visit as regularly
he did say grumpily once, make yourself a drink

this is so unwelcoming op
your visits are obviously too regular

Hurtful as it may be my conclusion would be that you're not welcome. I'd pare back the visits and next time actually ask for a drink. This is way beyond rude.

Does this mean they expect you to help yourself and you think she should be serving you?

Because if so, YABU.

Why didn't your son get a mention in the OP?
The fact it's all about DIL not offering food and drink when your son is there makes me think you raised a lazy, rude misogynist who thinks it's up to the woman to host, but he married a woman who won't go along with that sexist rubbish.

Don't just say it, go and do it! Or ask more directly rather than hinting.

My MIL seems to only make 3 or 4 drinks a day, so I just go and make a cuppa when I want one and offer everyone else one, too. This has the added benefit of getting a decent cup of tea rather than the gnat's piss she makes, so it's a double win.

The very next time I visited I’d be walking through the door and saying ‘get the kettle on lass, I’m parched’! Use your voice OP, the longer you accept the current behaviour the longer you’ll feel sidelined.

What's the general banter like between you and DIL when you get there? Do you get a warm greeting? Doe she seem stressed? Is she relaxed and happy? It is odd and rude on both your DIL and son. If you say that they ask when you are next coming, it does sound like you're not turning up, unwelcome. The only thing you can do is be assertive and tell them that you're. Making a cup of tea, does anyone else want one. If you really want to get to the bottom of it then you need to ask directly, which will be uncomfortable. Can I ask do you go loaded with treats and presents? Is that why they say you can come? Do they expect you to take them out every time. Maybe it's their way of pushing you to take them out.

Your DIL’s behaviour and your son’s come to that, is very strange, strange bordering on unwelcoming, even stranger as you’ve been invited. Are both of them socially awkward?

The fact she’s left the food you’ve brought with you as a gift and a contribution -] unacknowledged is beyond rude. Rude and ungrateful. I wouldn’t be continuing to bring food. Actually I wouldn’t be overly eager to keep visiting, but then again I’m not the Grandma in this situation, and I do understand that puts a whole different slant on why you do visit.

My adult DD doesn't drink tea or cow's milk, but she has teabags and milk in because she knows how to make people feel welcome.

@Shesastar76 I think you need to be less passive and just ask if you can make yourself a cup of tea. Also ask why they think it is OK to not include you at meal times.

Maybe its a generation thing, but i’d be disappointed in my adult DC if they didn’t offer a guest a drink. Anyone who comes into my house, including tradesmen are offered a drink. I’ve found young people don’t drink many hot drinks, but the young electricians on my estate always accept a glass of soft drink.

I move recently and a friend took my sofa bed so arranged for 2 guys with a van to collect it. One was sweating as it was hard work so offered them both a can and they were so grateful. They said they’d been working all morning in some very expensive houses and he said they never even offered us a glass of tap water.

She feeds the family and doesn’t offer you anything? Wow. Basic manners.

I think this is a very good point. I have a water bottle on the go, so do most adults I can think of. I wouldn't think to offer someone a drink because you should just have your own. I do drink a lot of tea though so that offer goes out. My dad has a water bottle and a flask of tea with him when he goes out. I wouldn't expect to go to someone's house and have food or drink automatically available to me just because I was in their house. I'm responsible for my own needs.

And actually it's made me question things with my mum my mum is very "can you make me this, can you get me that, can I have etcetc" and it winds me up so much, I feel like she's another child I have to look after. I feel like she needs to take responsibility for herself, not need looking after. But maybe she thinks like people on here that she should be "hosted" because she's come to see my kids. Tbh I don't agree with that, I've enough on as it is, I don't need another person to look after.

My step sil is like this, her idea of dishing up is to boil pasta and add a tin of tomatoes as sauce (cold). She doesn’t like her father though.

I don't understand. They sit and eat dinner as a family and just leave you sat there with nothing? Your son will sit there eating a meal and just not acknowledge you? That's just bizarre.

Or DIL will give the kids a banana for a snack and not offer you anything?. I don't host my parents when they visit, they're not guests and I don't enjoy their visits. They're usually not here for long so I might give the kids a snack while they're here and not offer them anything. If I was putting the kettle on I'd offer them a cuppa. But I don't consider my parents to be people I'm responsible for tbh. But if you're during a meal I'd expect to be plating you a portion.

What an inhospitable household! I cannot imagine not offering someone food and drink - anyone who was visiting but particularly my children's grandmother. It's appalling!

I would ask whether they would prefer fewer visits. It isn't clear whether 'agreed in advance' is a real invitation or not and it doesn't sound as though it's necessarily welcome or mutually wished.

Perhaps agree to meet outdoors or at a museum/shop/cafe/activity rather than turning up unless you're sure they want that.

Some relationships can't be taken for granted and have to be built from the ground up, based on real consent, however much you want it to be a situation where you can just walk in and be welcomed. That template can't always be assumed.

Thank tou for offering a rational possible explanation rather than a thread of people eager to insult the DIL