Drink & visiting

Totally agree. Who doesn't offer a guest you have invited to your house a drink at the very least?

this is what I've summised as well, even though a date to visit is agreed, I think they're just saying yes to please the OP.

So is food being put on the table & being served to everyone but you Op?

If that's the case & you have taken something does she think that the food you have taken is just for you?

It's hard to understand tbh.

Change your will and leave everything to the grandchildren!

No reason from either of them.

I'd say they do not want you there despite agreeing to visits.

Do they have small children? As a mum of 3 under 5, one of which is a newborn I’d offer but I have my hands so full that it’s much easier for people to make their own drinks and would feel a little annoying if someone expected to be waited on and just having baby cuddles while I’m trying to juggle everything.

If she doesn’t have small children or extreme health issues or anything then that is strange though.

You need to ask you son clearly. ‘I’ll be arriving at 5pm, am I invited for dinner with you? Or should I make my own arrangements and see you in the morning?’

Clarify expectations before you go.

Sounds too weird to be true, doesn't it, but people like this DO exist.

Me and DH travelled to see his Dad & partner, the journey door to door, is about 10 hours. They live quite remotely, so there's no way to get food for much of the route.

We arrived at 11pm (they would know we hadn't had dinner). We were offered NOTHING. No meal, no snacks and no drinks. We sat chatting for a few hours, and in the end, I had to ask if I could get a slice of toast or something. No. Not a scrap of food in the house they said. Went to bed on an empty tummy.

Next day, FIL had prepared breakfast for him and his partner, and nothing for us! We got dressed and went out in search of food, but it was a Bank Holiday (foreign country) and most shops were closed.

We eventually found a tiny shop open, at around midday, and got food there. I think at this point we'd not eaten for almost 24 hours. I have never been back.

It's so hard to comprehend, because in my family, the second you turn up my Dad (RIP) used to thrust a glass of wine in your hand (and keep topping you up) and there would always be a big curry or similar bubbling away. In the mornings it was the full monty too, a big fry up etc.

I'll never forget the lack of care, and even more bizarelly, FIL and his partner are in the hospitality trade! WTF.

Op, You will have to say something!

That isn't what my comment meant.

Awfully rude behaviour on their part. Even if there has been issue in the past (no suggestion that there has) but this would be very passive aggressive.

And I thought my mum was bad. I visited Christmas Eve, to deliver Christmas presents, all planned (they don’t drive to me), adult children and their partners with me. My mum and I made a cup of tea and she set out ‘food’ - a plate with one mince pie each on it! That was it.

One of their presents - their much expected Christmas hamper, over £200 worth of food, including so many Christmas treats!

My friend never offers me drinks she says I know where things are and can make a coffee if I want one 😊❤️

Why can’t you talk to your son about it?

Clearly they don't want you to visit but can't tell you.

So they are showing you through their behaviour, they couldn't make it more obvious that they don't want you there.

They are breathtakingly rude but obviously don't want you there.

As a minimum you need to make sure that your son is actually there at your next arrival time

You don’t need to make a scene, just simply ask for a glass of water.

Ask for one every time you go, then they may offer a cup of tea instead.

Some people just don’t think/only eat/drink at certain times.

I never drank hot drinks so it never used to cross my mind that someone might want one in the middle of the day, I thought you only drank them in the morning.

If they’re generally nice people then it’s unlikely they’re doing it maliciously.

If your son has been at work, does he not come home and make a drink?

She also said this My son is there, there is never any offer of food from.any of them.
It’s all very odd.

This is awful.. Had in laws a bit like this myself. Mil was great and very hospitable but FIL was awful. She went blind and couldnt do drinks any more. We would drive 1.5 hours to see them and he would refuse us coffee as "it's not 11am", "we have to wait for my daughter to turn up", " there's water in the tap", "I've had my coffee so I'm not putting the kettle on". Eventually we just turned up with coffees from local costa. I'll never understand such awful behaviour.

Why is her daughter in law expected to host her while looking after small kids? Wait and arrive when son is home from work?

There's a difference between unannounced and uninvited.

Also my other in law has an absolutelu bizarre effect on my children, always has, even as babies they'd go nuts when she was there, she expects them to perform like little monkeys. Stares at them, constantly talks at them or tries to pick them up/be touching them always, big eager I want to be the favourite gestures. She's a bit 'youve been to Tenerife I've been to elevenerife' anyway but it would make them clingy or incredibly hyperactive. Eldest is autistic and always found her incredibky demanding and dysregulating. Youngest manages a friendlier front in general but also with her but when we're home they get tired of her quickly and show their discomfort by being a handful. Therefore when she's here I often haven't the bandwidth to be thinking about her tea needs. I used to do the dutiful Dil bit and be smiling and making tea while a melting down toddler cling to my leg and I was holding a breastfeeding infant. Now I can't be bothered. The weekday evening she comes to our house I've designated my admin completing day at work and I stay late. My husband wfh, he's her actual son and he'll skulk in the kitchen to avoid her and leave me to host her if I'm at home, and she expects hosting and fawning.

Other family members come round, hang out or don't, my husband isn't wound like a spring around them, he happily floats in and out as do I, the kids react totally differently to aunts and uncles etc than to mil. I'd still offer tea and food if she was literally driving miles to stay nearby to visit but it would also be my absolute worst nightmare of a family visit. It annoys me because my mums dead, so she's their only granny alive and somehow she makes it really difficult. This is a woman who when my son was born stuck her finger in his mouth while I as changing his nappy and said, to him but for me I assume, I'm you're granny, your only granny so can do this...' and it was so bizarre. Then that Xmas for Xmas she gave me a framed photo of her holding my baby in a pose I can only describe as 'madonna with child' she used the spare house key to let herself in daily, didn't leave when I fell asleep on the armchair work me up and laughed at me and I was just home from NICU, having had a c section . Insisted my husband come home from the nicu every night (we were lucky enough to have a proper room to board in SCBU) because they were dog sitting so he could walk the dog and they wouldn't have to and they were not elderly or infirm. Opened all the baby gift bags people brought to the house and put all the gifts in a big pile so I didn't know who they were from and couldn't personalsie thank you cards.

Sometimes mils act in a way that is hard to come back from and if you're uninvited it doesn't matter if you're announced or unannounced

She has explained, he works shifts often it is the dil there when she visits.

Why is it your DIL fault ? Ask your son for a drink!

What was your relationship with your MIL like?

You also said that you dont feel my relationship with my dil is one where I can either help my self or ask.
If your son is there, can’t you ask your son? Don’t put it on the dil.

That said, this is all very weird. So you’re there at meal times and they serve up a meal and don’t offer you any? That’s very bizzare and strange!

You need to be prepared to say "Do you mind if I make myself a cup of tea?"

But in the longer term you need a serious conversation with your son where you point out that saying that that is just how they are is not good enough - he expects his family to be catered for when they visit you, yet they are not prepared even to offer you a cup of tea or part of their meal.

'Can you not find the words to express how hurtful it is when you drive 100+ miles, stay in a hotel and then aren't even offered a drink?'

If they are so thick that stuff like this needs pointing out then they'll be the sort to take offence and before the op knows it they'll be NC.

For the sake of seeing dgc sometimes people have to tread carefully and shrug it off.

No one your age would write ‘c a problem’ instead of ‘see a problem’, and ‘r’ instead of ‘are’. Try better next time